Forgiveness for the Past

I don't usually check my mailbox here at school. It's in the student center which is far from my dorm and I'm, most of the time, way too lazy to walk over there for something so simple. I happened to be passing through last night so I said what the heck and check my mailbox. I had SO many things! 3 card/letters and a couple flyers. I looked through the flyers and weeding them out. Then I opened the paper letter that was folded up and had my name on it. It was a letter from the girl who used to be my best friend in high school. The girl who then proceeded to stab me in the back after she and I found out I was pregnant by telling everyone. Oh, and then dating my ex-boyfriend.

I knew it was from her right away because that handwriting will forever be stuck in my brain. We wrote many notes back and for to each other. We had a whole notebook! I was so afraid to start reading the letter. She goes to school here as well and is a sophomore. The first time I saw her on campus pretty much ran the other way. The second time it was basically a sneak attack. An old friend waved me down and I was in a hurry so I didn't see who he was sitting with, as I looked over to say hi I realized it was her. I didn't have time to think about what to do or what to say. I just talked to him and left. Receiving this letter was been the scariest moment here at school so far. What would it say? Would it be something like, "I know your secret and I'm going to make sure I tell the whole school by the end of the year." or "I told (birthdad) about H and now he's on the hunt for you." or maybe "I secretly poisoned your coffee and you're doing to die!!!!" Alright, I knew it wasn't going to be something like the last one, but honestly you never know!

Instead of all those crazy thoughts about what it could have said, I read it and was speechless. She was apologizing and asking me for forgiveness. She said the Lord spoke to her heart. Even now it gives me chills thinking about it. Here's the letter:

"As you may or may not know, tonight's service was over forgiveness. I want to say right off the bat that I have already forgiven you. But that is not at all why I'm writing. I'm writing to ask for your forgiveness. God has placed on my heat the conviction of what I did to you and our friendship. I am and will forever regret the way our senior year and relationship ended. I don't feel the need to specifically address thew wrong doings because I know that broth you and I know what I have done and what you probably feel resentment toward. I don't expect you to write me back nor change the way you interact with me. I just want you to experience the freedom of forgiveness, if you have not already. I genuinely hope that God has blessed your life and will continue to do so. Also, I genuinely believe the He is going to do amazing thing with and through you, again I'm so sorry."

My first reaction was, "What did you need to forgive me for? I didn't do anything to you!" Which in a way I still feel that way. I've thought about it long and hard and can't come up with anything that I did toward the end of our friendship that would need forgiving. Then, I felt anger. How could she even have the audacity to say this after what she did to me. I wish I could say I felt peace, but I didn't. I'm still very angry with her and very upset. That is my child she has potentially put in danger. I don't take that lightly. What if I would have miscarried? How awful would she have felt then? Part of me can't wait till she becomes a mother to understand how I feel. So she can ultimately feel how horrid the things she did were.

But, I need to be thankful. This is one step toward healing. God is working people! God is working.

Just a little update

I know I haven't posted in almost a month. College has started and this being my freshman year everything is so new and super busy! The first weekend it was nonstop. They had us up early and running around everywhere. Very stressful, and very exhausting! I'm almost done with my 2nd week of classes, so things are starting to feel more normal. I've got a routine down now, so I should be able to post more than I have been.

So, I should probably catch you up on things. I sort of left you with a cliff hanger...

I sent that email (the one I posted 2 posts ago) and I haven't received any form of communication back yet. Not even a simple, H is doing great! So glad to hear from you. We will give this a lot of prayer and time. Blah, blah, blah... Not a single word. Which of course scares the crap out of me. I always second guess myself, and I'm so terrified of rejection. My PC will be looking into this sometime soon hopefully. Although I wish she would have looked into it sooner.

Also, H is officially 9 months old going on 10 (wow that's crazy to say!). B&E also didn't send the 9 month update on time. Not like they sent any of the others on their exact date either.... But finally after the agency contacted them for it, they sent it via email. I then received it via email as well from the agency. They sent many pictures and a beautiful letter. E is such a great writer. H says "dada" and E says it's the cutest thing! They also said H loves cinnamon rolls and crescent rolls. It's a little ironic because I CRAVED cinnamon rolls and pretty much any type of bread! They also said that she growls on command! :) how cute?!?! When I was younger I used to pretend I was a dog. I'd bark and growl and sometimes lick and bite people. H also looks so much more like me. She is absolutely gorgeous; perfect skin, perfect hair (tons!), and perfect smile. (reading through that it makes me seem really conceited, haha, but I swear I'm not! She just looks a lot more like me than her birthdad.)

It's been tough, going through the motions of school and no longer being around the people who know what my story is and know about H. Part of me just wants to spill the big secret because it is such a heavy burden on my shoulders when I run into the people I used to know. Just hold on until next March, I tell myself. After that her birthdad can't do anything to her. I probably won't tell the public for many years to come... but man is this burden hard to carry.

Well, thank you so much for all your prayers and all your kindness. I keep reminding myself that God does turn ashes into beauty, and being able to read all of your stories and speak of mine anonymously, really, really helps. It shines a light that could only be shown through God's love. I really am grateful to have readers like you. Thank you!