I've found this Holiday season to be one of remembering the past. For Christians this Holiday season is about remembering the birth of our Savior. It is also a time to remember the past year(s). These past two Christmases have been so vastly different than the other 18 that I've had.
When you have a child you no longer think about yourself nonstop; everything revolves around what is best for them (whether or not you decided to parent). Last Christmas I only thought about H and what she was doing for her first Christmas. I thought about the traditions her family might be doing, what Santa might have brought her, or if she was really fitting into their family (it would have only been a month and a week after placement). This Christmas I thought about H. If she got my presents in time, if she loved unwrapping her gifts, if she had a yummy Christmas breakfast, etc. But this Christmas I didn't worry about H. I smiled at the thought of her laughter when she opened her gifts and the joy when she experienced her siblings happiness and excitement.
I'm happy at where I am now and H is happy too. This season of remembrance has been healthy and healing for me. Being able to see where H and I started to where we are now is truly inspiring and heart warming. Someday I hope we can look back at our journeys together.
Wednesday, December 26, 2012
Thursday, December 20, 2012
Keepsakes
There has been something on my mind these last few days. Since my latest visit with H and her family I've been thinking about how much she has grown and I have replayed the visit in my mind many times. She is so loved. As a mother that means so much to me, to know that my daughter is loved and cared for. Her brothers and sister love her so much and are so involved in her life. B & E adore her. I could tell by the way they would look at her and the way she relied on them. Even thought H is 13 months she loves. The look in her eye when she walked over to E and hugged her was love. H loves her parents and loves her siblings. I couldn't be happier with the family I chose for H.
Even though H is an hour and a half away from me, I'm at peace with it. There aren't any questions in my mind that she's being taken care of. She is clearly loved and cherished. Not only does her family that she lives with cherish and love her, but my family, H's birth family, cherishes and loves her. We don't have the chance, or as many chances, to see that look of love in her eyes or give that look of love to her; but we do show our love by keeping pictures and videos of H around. I have a keepsake box that has everything of H's from the hospital in it: birth certificate, blankets, hats, socks, umbilical clamp, hair brush, stickers, and the flower that was given to me from B & E after I delivered H.
I also have a box that I keep all of H's pictures in from the hospital and from every update B & E send. I'm currently waiting for H's 1-year update pictures.
I think it is a great idea to have a keepsake box for your child. Mine is already so full, so when I start receiving drawings or crafts (here's to wishing I do!) then I will have to get a bigger box to put everything in. It has been so helpful in my process of grieving and recovery. I love looking through all of H's hospital stuff. Also, being able to look at all her pictures has been amazing. I've been able to watch her grow through pictures and videos. Something a lot of people don't understand is that having pictures that you can touch are a lot different than having picture on a computer screen, and they are more meaningful. Holding H's picture, to me, makes her feel a lot closer and more real than seeing her picture on my computer screen.
Something else I have done is buy a Christmas ornament for H and I. I buy 2 of the same one so that every year she can remember me and I can remember her. Last year I bought one that is a sea shell that says, "Always remembered. Always in our hearts." This year I bought a sand dollar that says, "The ones we love never truly leave us." Each have the date on them. I didn't want to get a "Baby's 1st Christmas" ornament because I was sure someone from B & E's family would. I plan to do this every year, that way H and I have our own Christmas tradition. For this Christmas I also bought a recordable book. I had wanted to last Christmas, but they are so expensive. I had wanted to get the book "I'll Love You Forever", it is one of my favorites from my childhood. Unfortunately they did not have that one this year, so I decided to get the book "Wherever You Are My Love Will Find You". I had never heard of it, but I believe it was a complete God find. The book was perfect. I recorded it and sent it in the mail along with other gifts from my family to theirs.
All of these little things are just that: things. But they hold a deeper meaning that I hope will last all our lives.
Even though H is an hour and a half away from me, I'm at peace with it. There aren't any questions in my mind that she's being taken care of. She is clearly loved and cherished. Not only does her family that she lives with cherish and love her, but my family, H's birth family, cherishes and loves her. We don't have the chance, or as many chances, to see that look of love in her eyes or give that look of love to her; but we do show our love by keeping pictures and videos of H around. I have a keepsake box that has everything of H's from the hospital in it: birth certificate, blankets, hats, socks, umbilical clamp, hair brush, stickers, and the flower that was given to me from B & E after I delivered H.
I also have a box that I keep all of H's pictures in from the hospital and from every update B & E send. I'm currently waiting for H's 1-year update pictures.
I think it is a great idea to have a keepsake box for your child. Mine is already so full, so when I start receiving drawings or crafts (here's to wishing I do!) then I will have to get a bigger box to put everything in. It has been so helpful in my process of grieving and recovery. I love looking through all of H's hospital stuff. Also, being able to look at all her pictures has been amazing. I've been able to watch her grow through pictures and videos. Something a lot of people don't understand is that having pictures that you can touch are a lot different than having picture on a computer screen, and they are more meaningful. Holding H's picture, to me, makes her feel a lot closer and more real than seeing her picture on my computer screen.
Something else I have done is buy a Christmas ornament for H and I. I buy 2 of the same one so that every year she can remember me and I can remember her. Last year I bought one that is a sea shell that says, "Always remembered. Always in our hearts." This year I bought a sand dollar that says, "The ones we love never truly leave us." Each have the date on them. I didn't want to get a "Baby's 1st Christmas" ornament because I was sure someone from B & E's family would. I plan to do this every year, that way H and I have our own Christmas tradition. For this Christmas I also bought a recordable book. I had wanted to last Christmas, but they are so expensive. I had wanted to get the book "I'll Love You Forever", it is one of my favorites from my childhood. Unfortunately they did not have that one this year, so I decided to get the book "Wherever You Are My Love Will Find You". I had never heard of it, but I believe it was a complete God find. The book was perfect. I recorded it and sent it in the mail along with other gifts from my family to theirs.
All of these little things are just that: things. But they hold a deeper meaning that I hope will last all our lives.
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