Another Visit

I've never been the type of person to just lay all my problems out on the table. I tend to keep emotions pent up inside me until there is no room left. Unfortunately, that ends with lots of tears and bloodshot eyes. I think I'm getting to that blow up stage again.

Since I'm at school 24/7 I have no one to talk to about H and I'm forced to keep my thoughts about her and the adoption to myself. When the really hard times hit I'm usually in class or in my dorm room (with my roommate) and I have to deny what I am feeling at that moment, because I can't make it obvious something is wrong. If I do people will ask questions. And if they ask questions I'll have to lie. I don't want to lie. Although, it feels like I'm living a lie. I have this precious joy that's growing older by the minute, learning new things about this massive world and all its wonders, and no one knows. I've heard people talk about pregnant teenagers around campus and in classes it has been brought up. In those moments I freeze as if everyone is staring at me, condemning me because I was/am a teen mom. Granted I was graduated from high school and a few days shy of being 19 when I gave birth to H. It's so hard not to think everyone is judging me, even though they know nothing about me and about H and what these last 2 years have been for us.

Even writing to you now if feels as if I'm on high alert. I'm sitting in my dorm room with my roommate on the other side of the wall. Anyone could come and look at my computer screen and see what I am writing. It's frightening at times. I've chosen secretiveness for H's safety from her birthfather and this horrid town. I guess I never realized how hard it is to keep such a big secret and what kind of weight that is to carry.

All that weight has been holding me down and I feel as though there is an anvil on both my shoulders. Everywhere I go I wonder if someone is going to mention the anvils. Sure there are times when they seem lighter, but overall it comes back to that dark place where I feel so low and worthless. I felt that way tonight when I got another email from B and E.

Recently they ask me if I wanted to have a visit (off record) with them and H close to our birthdays (next month). Of course I said yes. I was so overjoyed! I think you'll all understand how much that means to me. I replied right away and it was weeks till I got another email from them. It talked about dates that we could meet and I replied with dates that worked well for me, but mentioned that I'd be more than willing to work around their schedule to see them. During this time I was in conversation with my PC asking if she had heard anything from them about the first email I sent about more visitation and communication. She had sent an email saying that I took the initiative and put myself out there to ask for more and that they should at least acknowledge my email. They said that they had received it and were praying about it, but never mentioned anything about sending an email back to me. Well, today I got another email from B and E stating that they were trying to schedule a time with the local agency for our visitation. This kind of threw me for a loop.

For our last visit we didn't have an agency member with us. It was my family and them and H. It went great! But this time they want the agency there. This scares me. My first thoughts were, "Maybe they are wanting to close the adoption. Maybe I asked too much too soon." I'm a Negative Nelly, so that's common for me. My mom, on the other hand, was more positive about it and said, "It's a good thing they initiated this visit. Maybe having the agency there will be a good mediator, if they are wanting to talk about more visitation and communication in person." It could honestly go both ways. I really don't know what they are looking for or willing to accept anymore. I just feel like I'm walking on eggshells. Sure wish God would show me his plan.