Happy Birthday!

Well, B & E have a 1 year old on their hands now, along with a 6, 5, and almost 4 year old! My mom now has a 20 year old! Happy Birthday to me today!

It was H's birthday on Friday. I skipped out on my last class as my mom and sister and I drove to meet up with B & E. They brought all 4 children to this meeting. It took us a little over an hour to get the agency where we had our meeting. It didn't really hit me until we pulled in the parking lot that I was about to see H for the second time after placement. Wow, was I nervous! I began to shake uncontrollably as I wrote in her birthday card. I never know how to sign the cards I send her. The first one I sent I think I signed it "mommy". I haven't signed it like that since. This last one I said (my name), birthmom. I want to her know who I am and how I'm related to her. I don't want to just sign my name like a friend of the family would. I am H's birthmom and I intend for her to know that all the days of her life.

So, I signed the card and gathered all the presents together. The 3 of us started heading in and my mom just had to ask the one question I couldn't stand being asked at the moment. I was walking trying to stop shaking and holding back tears and she asks, "How are you feeling?" Ahh, mom?! I said with tears now streaming down my face and starting to sob, "You can't ask me that right now!" She quickly apologized and shut up. We walked into the agency and told them why we were there and they brought us back to the room they set aside for us. B & E hadn't arrived yet, which I was kind of upset about. They live in that town and we had to drive over an hour to get there, but we were the first ones at the agency.. Oh well. It did give me time to chill out though, take a few breaths, use the restroom and get myself under control before H got there.

A couple minutes later they arrived. E and her 3 kids walked in first and then B with the car seat second. E came right up to me and hugged me so tightly. I stood impatiently waiting to see H. She was asleep in the car seat.. I stole a couple peeks at her while E was talking to me. B got H out and she woke up, didn't cry or anything, just looked around the room. She was so big! This little baby I remember from April was no longer a little baby! She was 1 and so beautiful. B & E informed me that she could now walk. They said she took her first steps last week and already she was motoring around. I was able to see her walk a couple times, but for the most part she was in my arms throughout the 2 hour visit.

H had light brown tight curls that were so precious. Her lips are identical to mine and her laugh is heart melting. She adored my mom, who goes by Gommie to her grandchildren. H sat on Gommie's lap so content and smiling, looking up at her with a big grin on her face. H loved my sister too. She knows exactly what to do to make H laugh. She's always been good at finding her tickle spots! I was able to hold H while we opened up her birthday presents from my family. She loved the toys we all got her. I was so thrilled when she squealed with joy at the gift I got her. When I was little I had the magnetic kissing Nala and Simba Lion King stuffed animals and I found a new version of them a couple months ago. I knew I had to get them for her birthday! She LOVED it! I helped her unwrap it and she gave Simba the biggest hug! It was amazing to see.

I wish I could explain every detail of our visit, but that would take forever. It was so fulfilling to see H play with her siblings, and see how much they adore her. B & E's daughter LC showered H with kisses and their son J received H with open arms when she walked to him. H crawled all over their second son C and he just laughed at her and patted her back. They all love her so much. It was so great to be able to see their interaction, it really made my heart happy. I also saw the love in H's eyes toward B & E. She glows when E is holding her. It makes me feel so comforted to know H is happy and taken care of.

Reflecting back on our meeting made me realize how whole I feel when I'm with H. Every moment spent away from her is never satisfying, even if a day goes by and I don't cry or I laugh a lot, it is still unsatisfying. But when I am with H I feel whole, my heart is whole. She is the missing piece of my heart when she's away. But this visit has given me hope for the future, knowing she is loved and she is happy. H is a very lucky girl and a very loved little piece of heaven. I am so proud to be her birthmom. I love her so, so much.