Milestone

A year ago yesterday I placed my daughter for adoption. It was the hardest decision I have ever made, and probably will ever make, in my life. I can remember it as if it were just yesterday...

I had chosen to spend three days with my precious baby. H was delivered via c-section at 9:15 Wednesday November 16th, 2011 weighing 5 lbs 7 oz (such a tiny little beauty!!). I spent the rest of that evening in bed, the nurses said I'd be numb for another 24 hrs at least. I was very upset that I ended up having a c-section, because I wanted to do everything for H while I could; feed her, change her, bathe her, etc. I was so drained after the c-section and still shaking from the medicine they gave me. They said I lost a lot of blood, and looking back at the pictures I can tell because I was so pale and sick looking. I remember lying in the hospital bed trying to keep my eyes open to watch H's every move. I didn't want to miss anything that was going on; I wanted to savor every second I had with her. We gave the "okay" for visitors to come in and B & E were the first ones to enter. To my surprise they came straight to me, didn't even look at H. E has had 3 c-sections so she knew what I was going through. They came in and hugged me and asked if I was okay. They even asked permission to see H. I, of course, said yes and they were able to see her in the warmer. I had a couple more visitors after B & E. I was so exhausted though, my Aunt had asked everyone to leave so I could have time with H. The first night was hard, because I was so worn out and it was H's first night and we didn't know how it would go. I was bed bound, so my mom had to do a lot of the work. She changed her diapers, got her bottle ready, but gave me the bottle and H so I could feed her, and she rocked H to sleep and put her back in her crib. I was very sad I couldn't do that, because I so badly wanted to.

The next day seemed to come so fast. I was very determined to get out of bed that day, and I did. I was up and walking around way before the 24 hour period the nurses talked about. They said they had never seen anyone up and walking that soon after a c-section. I was bound and determined to be H's mother for the next 2 full days, doing everything I could for her. She was such a sweet little baby! She didn't cry much, only when she was hungry or had a dirty diaper. There were many pictures taken during our hospital stay. I love looking through them and seeing how much H has changed! It's truly amazing, especially looking at her now (1 year and 6 days) and comparing her to her pictures as a newborn. B & E visited on both Thursday the 17th and Friday the 18th. Friday was my 19th birthday. Having H with me on my birthday was the greatest gift ever. Being able to spend time with her and cherish every moment was the only thing I needed and wanted. My PC was there on my birthday too, she brought my favorite cake from the Cheesecake Factory. My mom and Aunt were there as well. They brought birthday gifts from my family and friends. I received many white roses that day, because they are my favorite.

I'll never forget the night of my birthday though... I was sitting on the bed holding H oh so tightly, crying. My mom was sitting in front of me, both of us knowing what tomorrow would bring. I remember looking at my mom, so desperate for her to say anything to stop me from going through with the adoption. I loved H so much and she loved H so much. I knew that she would help me take care of her and provide for her somehow, but she never said anything. I sat there and cried for hours, never letting go of H. My mom knew exactly what was going on in my head and her heart was breaking for me. We've had many talks about that night and I've even told her about how I wanted her to save me from making that decision and her response was "I didn't know you wanted me to save you..." with tears streaming down her face.

Saturday, November 19, 2011 I woke up with H in my arms with a very heavy heart. H got her pictures taken by the hospital photographer, lying in my leopard print bathrobe (the pictures are to die for!!!) and had to have a car seat check because she was so small. I spent a good hour to an hour and a half apart from H while she was in the car seat check. That hour was so hard. I was already empty handed and all I wanted was to hold her for as long as I could. During that time I got dressed for the placement ceremony I wanted to have. H came back from the car seat check and by then it was time to sign the relinquishment papers. With H in my arms I read through the papers, still searching for anyone to stop me. Sobbing, I signed my name on the papers. My brother, mom, aunt, and pastor and his wife, and my PC were in the room while I was signing and there wasn't a dry eye.

Another hour past and it was time for the ceremony. My pastor led the ceremony in the hospital's chapel. On the left side of the room sat my family and on the other side sat B & E. Pastor dedicated H to the Lord (in the same dedication dress I was dedicated in when I was a baby) and I promised to pray for H and B & E daily and to always love H. I had asked my brother to play a song during the ceremony. While H was being delivered the song "God Gave Me You" came on the radio in the OR. I had him play that song before I relinquished H to B & E. As the song ended pastor said it was now time to hand H to B & E. My family then surrounded me with a big hug, all of us crying. My brother started praying over me and H and I couldn't hear anything. I was so focused on holding H one last time. I remember sitting there thinking to myself "You have to let her go. Get up. Go over to E, hand H over. You need to get up!" I literally had to talk myself into it, because no one else was telling me it was time to give her to B & E. I have never cried so hard in my life and still haven't to this day. After I got up to give H to B & E, I gave each a hug and told them to take good care of her and that I loved them and I loved her. I think they stood there for a while, but I had already turned around and fell into my mom's arms. I wasn't sobbing anymore, I was more than sobbing. It was a tremendous flow of tears and almost screams. It was the worst pain I had ever felt. It was as if my heart had been ripped out of my chest. I can't even explain how painful that moment was; knowing I'd never see her as she was then ever again, knowing she would be going home with someone else and not me, knowing she would never know me as mom, knowing that the next day I would wake up and she wouldn't be there..

A year later I can still feel the pain. It was painful just to write that out and relive that moment I haven't thought about for months. It is truly earth shattering to think through this last year. H is so big and healthy and beautiful. She has touched so many people's lives in just her first year of life! Think about all the other people she will touch the rest of her life! I am beyond proud of her and I love her more than words can say. A year ago today I was so deep in sadness and loneliness, I never thought I would smile or laugh again. But I've seen H twice since placement day and those two moments have been my happiest in this past year. H is definitely something special! I am so thankful for these hard milestones, because that means H is alive and healthy, making an impact on this world and fulfilling the plan God has for my little honeybee.