You know how your mom would always tell you to let yourself have a cool down after something happened that uprooted you and threw you across the universe?.. That's where I'm at today.
It's funny to see how people go through changes in such short periods of time. Yesterday I was so angry, I wanted to punch something. To answer your question, no I didn't hit anyone or anything.. exactly. I did throw a tennis ball at the wall a couple times and played the drums on Rock Band to get out some of my anger. Did it work? I don't know.. But I'm not so angry today. Today was a day of sadness, uncertainties, and overall confusion.
I trust very few people, so taking the leap with adoption was very hard for me. I met B and E only two times before I gave birth. I really didn't know them. Many nights I'd be up asking myself why would you just hand your child over to a family you barely know!? But there was always a peace in my heart when I saw them, when I thought about my daughter's life with them. So I took that leap of faith.
Just like I did tonight when I talked with my pregnancy counselor (pc). I've been feeling very abandoned lately. I would text or call my pc and wouldn't hear back for days. So it just felt right to share with her all my feelings and let everything be out in the open. I had a list of things I wanted to say. 1. Abandonment 2. Copy of my adoption profile 3. this weekend's meeting 4. B and E moving. I shook the whole time we were on the phone and I barely said a word. My mom was there speaking for me because I was too emotional.
My biggest fear of sharing that I knew they had moved recently after I had released H was that they would be angry I knew and close the adoption. My pc said that is not even allowed to happen, which calmed my spirits. I'm happy I told her and I want everything to be out in the open, but I'm so afraid to see them face to face and what they'll say. My pc said B and E have been wanting to tell me since they found out, so it'll be nice to hear it from them.
It makes me so upset to know that H has been here.. 2 hours away.. for 5 months. I feel like such a horrible mom to not even know she was so close to me. I finally became okay with the fact that she would be 20 hours away, so having my world turned upside down figuring out she's been a couple hours away this whole time just kills me. I feel like I've been lied to. I know things could have been handled in a better way and I wish I didn't find out the way I did.. But that's the cruel thing about life... you can't change what has happened and you can't take your words back once they've been said.
So not everything is as it seems in the heat of the moment. Maybe this is a blessing in disguise? Time will tell..
Wednesday, April 25, 2012
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
A Kick in the Gut
There's been a shift in blog plans.. My plan was to tell you from the beginning my story and how I've been doing. Things have been happening lately that I just can't keep silent anymore. So here is my venting session..
My daughter is H, her parents B and E.
So... I was reading through a couple blogs last night and it got me thinking, I wonder if B and E have a website (facebook, blog, twitter, etc). So I went looking- bad idea. They have a facebook and twitters. I just wanted to see some more pictures of H, but what I came across had me up crying till 6 in the morning instead.
I was looking through B's timeline and seeing all B's tweets when I came across one that sounded like they were moving. I had seen before that they were going to plant a church in a different state, but I didn't realize that involved MOVING! I searched a little more and found out they had known since December. It's April folks... And just to add some icing to the cake they moved to the same state I live in. Surprise!!!
Oh, and one more thing I thought was interesting. Apparently, back in March the adoption was finalized. News to me. NO one told me anything about it. Not B and E or my pregnancy counselor.
Can I just say ONE thing? YOU'VE BEEN COMMUNICATING WITH ME ALL THIS TIME AND IT NEVER WAS A THOUGHT IN YOUR MIND TO TELL ME?!
I feel betrayed. I'm angry, sad, terrified, lonely. I've never hated God as much as I do right now. HE called them here to plant that church that's 2 hours away from me. HE kicked my feet out from under me last night when before I thought everything was great and H was safe and sound 20 hours away from me. This makes everything a million times harder..
I'm supposed to be meeting with them this weekend for our first visit. Now I don't even know if I can handle it. I'll see my sweet daughter and instead of her going far away... she'll basically be going down the street..
I just want to scream at the top of my lungs and hit something really hard. I have so much anger inside of me.
AAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! WHAT IS GOD DOING WITH MY LIFE?!?!
Being a birthmom is harder than I ever imagined it would be. My heart is broken and I feel like I just took 5 steps forward and a thousand steps back. Hello square one.
My daughter is H, her parents B and E.
So... I was reading through a couple blogs last night and it got me thinking, I wonder if B and E have a website (facebook, blog, twitter, etc). So I went looking- bad idea. They have a facebook and twitters. I just wanted to see some more pictures of H, but what I came across had me up crying till 6 in the morning instead.
I was looking through B's timeline and seeing all B's tweets when I came across one that sounded like they were moving. I had seen before that they were going to plant a church in a different state, but I didn't realize that involved MOVING! I searched a little more and found out they had known since December. It's April folks... And just to add some icing to the cake they moved to the same state I live in. Surprise!!!
Oh, and one more thing I thought was interesting. Apparently, back in March the adoption was finalized. News to me. NO one told me anything about it. Not B and E or my pregnancy counselor.
Can I just say ONE thing? YOU'VE BEEN COMMUNICATING WITH ME ALL THIS TIME AND IT NEVER WAS A THOUGHT IN YOUR MIND TO TELL ME?!
I feel betrayed. I'm angry, sad, terrified, lonely. I've never hated God as much as I do right now. HE called them here to plant that church that's 2 hours away from me. HE kicked my feet out from under me last night when before I thought everything was great and H was safe and sound 20 hours away from me. This makes everything a million times harder..
I'm supposed to be meeting with them this weekend for our first visit. Now I don't even know if I can handle it. I'll see my sweet daughter and instead of her going far away... she'll basically be going down the street..
I just want to scream at the top of my lungs and hit something really hard. I have so much anger inside of me.
AAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! WHAT IS GOD DOING WITH MY LIFE?!?!
Being a birthmom is harder than I ever imagined it would be. My heart is broken and I feel like I just took 5 steps forward and a thousand steps back. Hello square one.
Monday, April 23, 2012
A Mother's Love
March 2011, I found out I was pregnant at 18. I was scared, angry, disappointed, sad, and even a little happy. In the WalMart parking lot I cried my heart out to my best friend, Ali. I was terrified about what I had to do next. We sat there for an hour talking over all the possibilities; abortion, adoption, and parenting. My whole life I've been pro-life, but in those first minutes all you can think about is "getting rid of the problem". Ali knew me and reminded me that I'm not that kind of person and that this child deserved life. Who was I to end an innocent life? This child could end up doing amazing things for our world and for God's kingdom. After I got myself together we had decided that I'd go speak with her family for advice. They were understanding, yet very upset themselves. Ali's mother was a nurse and father was a pastor, so I figured they could help me figure out how to tell my mother.
I left their house and made the drive home. It was the scariest drive I made in my life. I was crying the whole way home and trying to find a way to tell my mom. I went over all sorts of scenarios in my head and none of them seemed to turn out good. I pulled in the drive way. Went through the front door, saw my mom sitting in the living room on her computer. My heart racing, I said Hello and went straight to my room. I paced for a couple minutes trying to figure out how to just get this over with. I had both pregnancy tests in my pocket as I walked back into the living room. I looked at my mom and tears streamed down my face. My mom looked up to me with worry in her eyes as I handed her the pregnancy tests. I can still remember the change in her face from worried to disappointment and anger. I fell to the ground and sobbed as my mom sat in silence staring at the pregnancy tests.
In a stern voice she asked me, "Who is the dad?" The biggest problem about that question is that I wasn't dating anyone. I saw this guy for 2 weeks. He was much older than me and already had 3 kids, never married. I had met him through Facebook, as far as I can remember. He really wasn't my type so it's still confusing to me how I even started talking to him. I showed my mom his Facebook profile and told her how things happened. It was the first time I hung out with him at his house, we were both getting ready to leave and before I knew it I was on his bed and we were having sex. All I remember is saying no and asking him to stop. Finally he did and we both left. I was the only one who left in tears though. I got home and acted as if nothing had happened. Inside I was freaking out. So I called Ali and told her, then I called my other friend Erin and she told me that I should get PlanB. So the next day she took me to get the pill. After I had taken it I felt so relieved and I vowed to myself to never see him again. Clearly that vow didn't hold up. For some reason I went back to him. I saw him for another week, having sex 3 more times. 2 of those were unprotected like the first. Then after I had spent the night at his house he never talked to me again. I found out later he was seeing another girl.
After I told my mom the whole story there was a lot of yelling, throwing things, tears, and then silence. I remember at the end of the night I asked, emotionally and physically exhausted, "Mom, can I just go to bed?". I was laying in bed for a couple minutes when my mom came in my room and laid down beside me. She gave me a hug and said, "I will be there for you every step of the way. Whatever you need I will help you. We can talk about options later if you want. I love you and I always will."
I knew from that point forward what a mother's love really was. I had given my mom the worst news a mother could hear, yet she still loved me. She would do anything for me and wanted the best for me in the worst situation. And that's exactly what I had to do for my child. No longer was it about me, it was about the life that was growing inside me. This was the beginning of the rest of my life as a mom.
I left their house and made the drive home. It was the scariest drive I made in my life. I was crying the whole way home and trying to find a way to tell my mom. I went over all sorts of scenarios in my head and none of them seemed to turn out good. I pulled in the drive way. Went through the front door, saw my mom sitting in the living room on her computer. My heart racing, I said Hello and went straight to my room. I paced for a couple minutes trying to figure out how to just get this over with. I had both pregnancy tests in my pocket as I walked back into the living room. I looked at my mom and tears streamed down my face. My mom looked up to me with worry in her eyes as I handed her the pregnancy tests. I can still remember the change in her face from worried to disappointment and anger. I fell to the ground and sobbed as my mom sat in silence staring at the pregnancy tests.
In a stern voice she asked me, "Who is the dad?" The biggest problem about that question is that I wasn't dating anyone. I saw this guy for 2 weeks. He was much older than me and already had 3 kids, never married. I had met him through Facebook, as far as I can remember. He really wasn't my type so it's still confusing to me how I even started talking to him. I showed my mom his Facebook profile and told her how things happened. It was the first time I hung out with him at his house, we were both getting ready to leave and before I knew it I was on his bed and we were having sex. All I remember is saying no and asking him to stop. Finally he did and we both left. I was the only one who left in tears though. I got home and acted as if nothing had happened. Inside I was freaking out. So I called Ali and told her, then I called my other friend Erin and she told me that I should get PlanB. So the next day she took me to get the pill. After I had taken it I felt so relieved and I vowed to myself to never see him again. Clearly that vow didn't hold up. For some reason I went back to him. I saw him for another week, having sex 3 more times. 2 of those were unprotected like the first. Then after I had spent the night at his house he never talked to me again. I found out later he was seeing another girl.
After I told my mom the whole story there was a lot of yelling, throwing things, tears, and then silence. I remember at the end of the night I asked, emotionally and physically exhausted, "Mom, can I just go to bed?". I was laying in bed for a couple minutes when my mom came in my room and laid down beside me. She gave me a hug and said, "I will be there for you every step of the way. Whatever you need I will help you. We can talk about options later if you want. I love you and I always will."
I knew from that point forward what a mother's love really was. I had given my mom the worst news a mother could hear, yet she still loved me. She would do anything for me and wanted the best for me in the worst situation. And that's exactly what I had to do for my child. No longer was it about me, it was about the life that was growing inside me. This was the beginning of the rest of my life as a mom.
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