A Kick in the Gut

There's been a shift in blog plans.. My plan was to tell you from the beginning my story and how I've been doing. Things have been happening lately that I just can't keep silent anymore. So here is my venting session..


My daughter is H, her parents B and E.


So... I was reading through a couple blogs last night and it got me thinking, I wonder if B and E have a website (facebook, blog, twitter, etc). So I went looking- bad idea. They have a facebook and twitters. I just wanted to see some more pictures of H, but what I came across had me up crying till 6 in the morning instead.


I was looking through B's timeline and seeing all B's tweets when I came across one that sounded like they were moving. I had seen before that they were going to plant a church in a different state, but I didn't realize that involved MOVING! I searched a little more and found out they had known since December. It's April folks... And just to add some icing to the cake they moved to the same state I live in. Surprise!!!


Oh, and one more thing I thought was interesting. Apparently, back in March the adoption was finalized. News to me. NO one told me anything about it. Not B and E or my pregnancy counselor.


Can I just say ONE thing? YOU'VE BEEN COMMUNICATING WITH ME ALL THIS TIME AND IT NEVER WAS A THOUGHT IN YOUR MIND TO TELL ME?!


I feel betrayed. I'm angry, sad, terrified, lonely. I've never hated God as much as I do right now. HE called them here to plant that church that's 2 hours away from me. HE kicked my feet out from under me last night when before I thought everything was great and H was safe and sound 20 hours away from me. This makes everything a million times harder..


I'm supposed to be meeting with them this weekend for our first visit. Now I don't even know if I can handle it. I'll see my sweet daughter and instead of her going far away... she'll basically be going down the street..


I just want to scream at the top of my lungs and hit something really hard. I have so much anger inside of me.
AAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! WHAT IS GOD DOING WITH MY LIFE?!?!


Being a birthmom is harder than I ever imagined it would be. My heart is broken and I feel like I just took 5 steps forward and a thousand steps back. Hello square one.