You know how your mom would always tell you to let yourself have a cool down after something happened that uprooted you and threw you across the universe?.. That's where I'm at today.
It's funny to see how people go through changes in such short periods of time. Yesterday I was so angry, I wanted to punch something. To answer your question, no I didn't hit anyone or anything.. exactly. I did throw a tennis ball at the wall a couple times and played the drums on Rock Band to get out some of my anger. Did it work? I don't know.. But I'm not so angry today. Today was a day of sadness, uncertainties, and overall confusion.
I trust very few people, so taking the leap with adoption was very hard for me. I met B and E only two times before I gave birth. I really didn't know them. Many nights I'd be up asking myself why would you just hand your child over to a family you barely know!? But there was always a peace in my heart when I saw them, when I thought about my daughter's life with them. So I took that leap of faith.
Just like I did tonight when I talked with my pregnancy counselor (pc). I've been feeling very abandoned lately. I would text or call my pc and wouldn't hear back for days. So it just felt right to share with her all my feelings and let everything be out in the open. I had a list of things I wanted to say. 1. Abandonment 2. Copy of my adoption profile 3. this weekend's meeting 4. B and E moving. I shook the whole time we were on the phone and I barely said a word. My mom was there speaking for me because I was too emotional.
My biggest fear of sharing that I knew they had moved recently after I had released H was that they would be angry I knew and close the adoption. My pc said that is not even allowed to happen, which calmed my spirits. I'm happy I told her and I want everything to be out in the open, but I'm so afraid to see them face to face and what they'll say. My pc said B and E have been wanting to tell me since they found out, so it'll be nice to hear it from them.
It makes me so upset to know that H has been here.. 2 hours away.. for 5 months. I feel like such a horrible mom to not even know she was so close to me. I finally became okay with the fact that she would be 20 hours away, so having my world turned upside down figuring out she's been a couple hours away this whole time just kills me. I feel like I've been lied to. I know things could have been handled in a better way and I wish I didn't find out the way I did.. But that's the cruel thing about life... you can't change what has happened and you can't take your words back once they've been said.
So not everything is as it seems in the heat of the moment. Maybe this is a blessing in disguise? Time will tell..
Found you through a comment on another blog.
ReplyDeleteI hope it's a blessing in disguise. I hope that for some strange reason they wanted to surprise you with the news of their moving so close to you in person.
I think it's very natural to search online for them so they shouldn't be surprised that you know.
I hope your visit this weekend was a happy one being reunited with your daughter.
Hi. I want to thank you for the comment you left on my blog. :o) I think I'm going to enlarge it, print it, frame it, and even make copies of it to hand out to strangers. ;o)
ReplyDeleteJust read all your posts... I also think it's natural to search online. In this day and age, who wouldn't??
This might very well be a blessing in disguise. If it were us, we would probably be so awfully busy with the move (moving is very, very stressful, more so with a baby) and would certainly want to tell you about it, but as this is such big news we would prefer to do it in person. Know what I mean? I don't think there is an underlying reason not to tell you. Anyway, this is my own very personal opinion.
Anxiously waiting for you to blog about your visit. :o)
I found your blog through Maru and her blog. Just wanted to say that I hope everything went well with your visit, too. I agree - I think it's very natural to do some searching online. I hope that the move ends up being a very good thing for all of you (like Debbie and Maru said, 'a blessing in disguise.')
ReplyDeleteLooking forward to reading more...
Thanks for your comments. The most time passes the more I believe this is a blessing in disguise. I just remembered the other day with B had said to my brother at the release ceremony back in November. "This won't be the last time your family sees H." How big is our God?! Maybe that's what he meant by what he said we'll see her again, he knew they'd be moving here.
ReplyDeleteI can only thank you for your thoughts and encouragement and ask for your prayers in return.
God bless :)