Hey There Opportunity!

After my assault I became depressed so I stopped hanging around with friends and secluded myself, mostly sleeping. I received some very good advice from my boss though...

 "Find a hobby. That way you can do something that you enjoy and it won't seem like such a burden. Maybe you'll find happiness?"

Well y'all, I found a hobby! For the last few months I've been doing some modeling. I've always loved to take pictures and to get my picture taken. It was as if God had ordained this whole hobby for me. A week after my boss had suggested I find a hobby I got an email from my mom about one of her friends that is starting her new photography portfolio and that she needs a local model. Since then I've done a couple photoshoots with her.

I decided to take my hobby a little further. I joined a website for upcoming models and have been receiving many opportunities from local, published, and professional photographers. This weekend I am going to my first big photoshoot and I'm so excited to see how this all works. I've also booked a designer swimwear line that shoots next week.

God is providing for me. He is providing happiness, he is providing extra income, he is providing joy.

Not only is He providing for me, but He is also providing for my family. We aren't very wealthy people and my mom just found out she has to pay back the state $500+. She was unsure of how she would be able to pay for it (she already works two jobs, so she can't add another). Amazingly, we got a check from the hospital for $300 and she received more money from her second job. In total, it came up to 530 something dollars! Now my mom doesn't have to worry about how she is going to pay the money back to the state.

LESSON: GOD PROVIDES!

Be faithful, be patient! Those who serve the Lord will be taken care of one way or another. He is faithful and is generous.

Recovery

Life has it's way of dragging you down and throwing you around, doesn't it?
My last post was in July. I can't believe I haven't posted anything since then! So much has happened!
... and I wish I could say for the better...

2 months ago I was sexually assaulted by a fellow student at my school. I made the decision to report the incident the very next day. Since then he has been kicked out of school, arrested, bailed out of jail, and now we're awaiting trial. It's felt like a very long and hard process. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't set back in trusting men. At the time of the incident I was seeing someone and as you can guess I'm no longer seeing that man.

Also, just this passed month it was H's 2nd birthday and my 21st birthday! That was an exciting week! I wasn't sure how my emotions would be, given I hadn't heard form B&E in a while. If you remember, last year they asked if I would like to see her on her 1st birthday. I was secretly hoping they'd ask again, but unfortunately they didn't. I did email them and wished H a happy birthday and let them know my family had sent gifts for her. They emailed back and said she had a wonderful birthday! She is so talkative and adventurous! They said they would send pictures soon. I haven't received any yet.

The last few months I've also been battling depression. My mom noticed it in me before I even knew. I started skipping class and work to sleep. I wouldn't text my family like I usually do. I wasn't happy like I usually am. I didn't have interest in anything or energy to do much. Finally, my mom took me to the doctor and she put me on an anti-depressant. I can't say I've noticed much of a difference. I have good and bad days I guess. School is rough with this depression. I could honestly sleep all day and be just fine with that. It's a struggle to get up in the mornings and go into work as well. I've gotten in the habit of asking God multiple times a day for strength. Not strength for a particular reason or situation, but overall strength. I can't see an end to this depression right now, but I've been told that's what the depression makes you think. So here's to strength, to help me make it through and recover completely. I'd like to be happy again.

Where Do I Go From Here?

Have you ever lost yourself? You get so caught up in life that you forget who you are and what your purpose is? Well, I've lost me. I try so hard to please others and be who they need me to be that I lost who I am and I really don't like who I've become.

So where do I go from here? I want to just flip the script and start a new page. Completely blank, I want to write a new story. I wish it were possible to delete people out of your life and refill with others who remind you of who you are everyday, so that you never get lost again.

I don't like who I've become. I'm not a bad person and I don't do bad things, but I care too much what others think and I go above and beyond to please them. I've lost my footing in Jesus Christ and have slipped into servant mode for others instead of for Him. I've turned to receiving my validation from men and not God. I strive to be told I'm beautiful and I feel ugly when they don't follow through. Where do I go from here?

I want to disappear. Take a month off from work, family, technology. Stay in a lake cottage and get back to the basics: God's creation. Get back to the earth and really appreciate what is around me. I'm so sick of being there for other people, when they're not there for me. I've come to a sad realization that no matter how much you do for others, they will not do the same for you if they do not desire to.

So where do I go from here? I pray, pray without ceasing. My prayer is that God takes these people out of my life (because Lord knows I can't do it myself), so I can start anew.

The Race Issue?

It still exists? What?

My daughter is half white and half black. She is absolutely the most gorgeous child I have seen in my life, and I'm not just saying that because I birthed her. Her skin glows like she's an angel. Her hair is light brown and curly just like mine. Her eyes are bright and full of excitement. Her smile lights up the room, even just from a Polaroid. I look at this little miracle and can't even fathom how someone could hate her because she is both white and black.

Today, a guy I have been getting to know brought up the fact that he "doesn't like blacks." I was speechless. He doesn't know about H, but would he have said the same thing to me if he knew I had a mixed daughter? Sure, I like this guy. We've been learning a lot about each other lately, but that was it. That was the straw that broke the camel's back. Just like a single mother who goes on dates has to think about the child she left back at home, I have to think about H. I want H to be a part of my life when I get married and that means that my husband will know that she is also half black. I would never think twice about bringing someone who "doesn't like blacks" into my family to one day learn about H and realize that she is half black.

It honestly breaks my heart to hear a boy my age say something so ignorant about others. I believe all people should be treated equally. No matter your race, ethnicity, sexuality, weight, hair color, whatever; I will love you regardless and I will be your confidant and your sister in Christ. Where do we draw the line? I've never been so disappointed in my generation as I am today. The color of my daughter's skin does not label her as anything but a wonderful gift from God. The color of anyone's skin does not label them or make them better or worse than someone else.

Really missing you tonight babygirl. Keep growing and being wonderful you!

Baby Weight

It's been 15 months since I gave birth to sweet little H. Throughout these last 15 months I've lost a lot of things and gained a lot of things. Weight being one of those things...

I see mothers who bounce back so fast from pregnancy and are so fit. I've lost all the baby weight, but I still have a little pooch on my stomach. I've tried so many different ways to get rid of it. Diet pills, excessive crunches, running, yoga, pilates, not eating, which then leads to over-eating... I still can't get those last 15 pounds off though...

With that being said, I'm not fat. But I'm not skinny either. So, I've tried detox after detox and always end up cheating while I'm on them. This time I'm trying natural vitamins to help me lose the last of the weight. B 6 and B 12. They are metabolism boosters, so then I'll lose the weight from inside instead of killing myself on the outside. I just want to see improvements. I'm so tired of this pooch.

Do any moms out there have suggestions? I'm young so I feel like I should have bounced back a lot faster.. Any suggestions will help!

It's Officially Official

Well this month marks a year since H's adoption became official last March. How can that possibly be? A whole year? I don't know about any other women who have gone ahead with an "unknown birthfather" adoption, but this takes off a HUGE amount of worry and stress from my shoulders. Now, H's birthfather cannot attempt to take her away from her family. And for that I am grateful.

H's birthfather is around town somewhere I believe. I've yet to see him since I moved back last March. I don't think he would have made an effort to find H, but I'm so thankful that she is in a tight knitted, forever family where her birthfather cannot get to her. She is loved and cared for so much more than he could have ever tried to love and care for her (if he even would have).

I recently received an unexpected update from B & E. H had to get tubes in her ears because she kept having ear infections. They said that they can see a difference in her hearing! She is talking more and so much more alert. H is gorgeous as ever! Her curls are to die for and she is so smiley. I'm so very blessed to have each and every one of them in my life now. I love them all.

Don't get me wrong, I still imagine what life with H would have been like. But I know that B & E are/were a wonderful choice! H has the sweetest siblings and the most loving parents a child could ask for. My heart is all smiles! <3 Thank you, Lord.

Abortion

As, hopefully, many of you know this past week was the anniversary of Roe v. Wade, January 22nd to be exact. Well, I had the privilege to go to Washington DC to participate in the March for Life. It was the most powerful experience I have ever encountered. The fact that over half a million people were there to march for the right to life is amazing! It was very cold and started snowing halfway through the march, but it was completely worth it.

I agree that people will never know what they'll do (concerning abortion) until they are faced with the choice. I am pro-life as well as "pro-choice". I had the right to choose what I wanted to do about my pregnancy: parent or adoption? Isn't that a good enough choice? Death should never be an option. I had the choice to choose, and I chose LIFE.

Many people at my school who I've talked to about pro-life/pro-choice topics have said, "Well you wouldn't know what you'd do if you were raped and ended up pregnant!" or "You would probably abort a pregnancy if you were a teen mom!" Well, actually I was (in a sense) raped and I am a teen mom, but never would I have aborted H. The circumstances that led to her conception were undesirable, but she was not and IS not to blame for that... so why shouldn't she have been given life?

I don't understand how pro-choice advocates can look at themselves in the mirror day after day and be okay with what they are advocating. I recommend everyone (whether pro-life or pro-choice) to attend the National March for Life. It is a very eye-opening experience for both groups.

One thing I hope you receive from this post is DON'T BE IGNORANT! If you are pro-life: learn about why people choose pro-choice. Try to understand where they are coming from so you can get on their level to be able to talk to them. If you are pro-choice: investigate why pro-lifers say that life starts at conception. Understand what you are advocating. And for both sides: know the ins and outs of abortion. Look at pictures of aborted babies. Watch medical videos of an abortion. Investigate why someone would want an abortion. Educate yourself! Don't be ignorant!

If you want more information about the March for Life and other events that occur for the pro-life movement, go to: www.marchforlife.org Also if you'd like more information and informational videos about abortion, go to: www.abort73.com and www.safeandlegal.com

*WARNING: the last two sites do have graphic images and videos. I strongly encourage you to watch and look at them though, we must educate ourselves to know what we are truly up against.