I saw her..

I saw her..

She is so beautiful. She weighs 14 pounds now.

Her mom took her out of her carseat and called me over with a huge smile on her face. My heart felt like it could beat out of my chest. Then I saw her.. a smile on her face, her beautiful smooth skin, big, brown eyes, and there was that little girl I held 5 months ago. She was 5 lbs 7 oz then, but inside this 14 lb miracle was my tiny little baby I had been waiting to see for what seemed like forever. There she was.. and all I could do was hold her tight and cry. It was the most surreal moment.

I was able to feed her. She is so serious about feeding time. She's just started to try and hold her own bottle, and once she was finished she pushed the bottle away from her face. I was able to dry her tears. She cried a little and I was able to wipe away her tears. I felt like a mother in that moment. I was able to hear her laugh! My sister tickled her and the most beautiful, precious laughter came out of that tiny baby girl. She has the most gorgeous grin. I was able to rock her to sleep. Just like in the hospital H slept on my chest curled up like a little frog. Memories flooded back and brought tears to my eyes. I remember those days in the hospital as if they were yesterday..

Throughout the meeting H was passed from person to person. She met my siblings and her niece. We took lots of pictures. My mom and I spent our time talking with B and E. They explained to us about their move to our state and why they didn't tell me when it was decided. I left with a better feeling about the situation, and was reassured of my decision of choosing B and E as H's parents.

But there's one thing I'm still afraid to come to terms with.. Before the meeting H still felt like MY daughter... but after the meeting she felt like THEIR daughter. I don't know H. I don't know her mannerisms, her likes, her dislikes, her favorite toy, her schedule, her anything! I struggle with realizing that I'll never be H's mom. Maybe this is a step forward in healing.. I honestly don't know. But I'm just so happy that I saw her..