Remembering the Past

I'm a Pinterest-aholic! I love looking at all the different boards and everyone's creativity! I often end up jealous that everyone is so much more proactive and creative, haha!

Today, I was looking on the tattoo boards. Since I've gave birth to H I have come up with some ideas for a tattoo. I know I want to get one in honor of H. First I thought of her birth date on my left wrist. Then I thought of the Egyptian symbol for life, an ankh, with H's birth date in roman numerals on my left rib cage (close to my heart). Well, I think I've finally found the one I truly want!

I think I've told you that I gave birth via c-section. Obviously I have a scar down there. I came across a quote that says, "Our scars remind us that the past is real." It totally sums up everything I felt after the adoption was final.

On finalization day I came up from the hospital feeling so empty. I was in pain from the c-section and in pain from leaving H with B and E. Leaving the hospital without a baby was so embarrassing. The nurses wheeled me out and my family helped me in the car. I was sobbing, which I know made the nurses uncomfortable. Usually this is a happy thing for them. They send well wishes to the new family, but with me they had no words. I remember getting back to the house and thinking, "Did that just happen?" It all seemed like a dream. I no longer had a pregnant belly, there wasn't a baby kicking or hiccuping inside me. It was like the past year had never happened. If it weren't for the pain of the c-section I don't think I would have grasped reality.

This quote means a lot to me now. Because of my c-section scar I can always remember that H is real and that our time together was real. So, I've decided to get the quote tattooed either above or below my c-section scar. It's something that won't be shared with the whole world, but will be between me and H. How lucky I am to be her first mother.

Bad Day :(

Yesterday was just the worst. It was H's 8 month and it was a hard one for me. 4 more months and she'll be a year old! I can't even believe it's been 8 months since I gave birth. Some days it feels like yesterday, other days it feels like it never really happened. I knew today was going to be hard right when I woke up. I had decided to go for a run to try and shake things off. It was such a great relief to be out there on my own, just running. I felt like I was running from everything that's happening in my life. Running from work, from the people I'm always around, from the adoption, from confrontation, from fear of the future, from my family, etc.. Then I got home. I knew I needed to respond to B&E's email they sent 2 weeks ago, and what better day to respond than H's 8 month.

For weeks now I've been holding in all my feelings. I've been trying to keep busy, I've had a party every weekend with tons of people over. I just don't want to confront my feelings. I haven't talked to my mom about anything in so long. I'm working till late at night and she's asleep by the time I get home. We rarely see each other except on the weekends. Before yesterday, I couldn't even tell you the last time I cried.

As I sat there and wrote my email to B&E i just cried and cried. My email wasn't sad or anything, but just the build up of feelings over such a long period of time got to me. It wasn't long either. They had told me how H is doing, what they had been up to for the past couple weeks, etc. H is now babbling and saying "dada" but it doesn't mean Daddy just yet. She's also "crawling", they say she scoots backwards. What I would give just to see a video...

Even at work I had a hard time. I thought being with others would get things off my mind. I haven't felt more unwanted, unimportant, not good enough, and bullied than I did today. I could have cried all day. People were rude, inconsiderate, and just plain old mean. After work my sister yelled at me in front of some coworkers and made me feel very embarrassed. I haven't said a word to her since.

I know I deserve better, but I don't choose who I work with... I'm ready for new surroundings, new people, and new experiences. I just want people to be proud of me, and want to be around me. I want to be someone H would think of as a role model. I want her to be able to say, That's my birthmom and I love her! So glad today is over... God brings new mercies each morning...

What is Reality?

Lately I've been so busy with work and with friends. I've been trying to keep certain things off my mind. I changed my background on my phone and computer from H's picture to something else. Out of sight out of mind, right?

It's been probably a month and a half since I've cried. I hate crying. This past year I've cried more than I've ever cried before. Part of me feels guilty for staying so busy I can't even think. The other part feels relieved that I'm not obsessing over what I don't have.

I received an email from B&E about a week ago. I still haven't responded. I just don't know what to say, it's almost as if they aren't real. Like if I don't reply or don't look at pictures of H then it never happened.

I just don't want to hurt anymore. When I think of H it hurts so much. I'm so glad my family hasn't asked about her or her family, or how I'm feeling. I'm just not up to explaining why I don't want to talk about it.

H's hospital picture used to be on my dashboard, I recently took it down because I had people in my car that don't know about her. I just haven't put it back up yet...

I'm so hot and cold with this adoption. I want to be invested, I just don't know how to be invested without feeling depressed or sad the whole time. Ironically, next week I'll probably be saying "I want to send B&E ten emails and know what H is wearing and blah blah blah" Maybe this comes with the territory? I guess I just need to find a happy medium in my two worlds of reality.

Next Step

My pc sent me the letter I was telling you all about. I read it and for the most part it had want I would want to say to B&E in it. There's a couple things I would like to change, which she said feel free to do. Here's the letter.

"I've loved so much seeing H grow and thrive in your family! She is so well adjusted and it's abundantly clear how much she is loved by you guys. Getting the pictures and letters through email and the mail has been so reaffirming to me that I made the right decision to place her with you guys. You truly are great parents to H!" 

This paragraph is great. I get a strange feeling in my stomach when I read "...reaffirming to me that i made the right decision to place her with you guys..." Yes I feel like if it should have been anyone to adopt H that they were the ones. I just have a hard time with it still.

"I loved our visit in April so much and it brought me so much closure and clarity on my decision."

In a way, yes it brought "closure and clarity" but can I really receive closure from this??

"It was so apparent that you guys were her mom and dad, that was a realization that I needed then in order to really have peace with my decision." 

Yes, after I left I really felt like H was their daughter and no longer mine, but I don't like reading it. Kind of hurts my heart. 

"Thank you for giving me that opportunity! It's hard to think that there is only one more agreed upon visit between us. It would be amazing to know her, to watch her grow, and to be involved in a more tangible way than just pictures and letters. How would you guys feel about the possibility of having more visits? I know this is something that is outside of our communication agreement and that it is something that needs to be mutually agreed upon and always in the best interest of H, but I thought I would mention my interest and see where you guys stood on the subject." 

I like that we took the next step (writing the letter), but now I know that the step after this is sending the letter.. and sending the letter means there could be a disappointing reply. I think it's pretty clear how afraid of the unknown I am. Once you say, do, or send something you can't take it back.. and this is something that will effect the rest of our lives. 

I, of course, will be bathing this in prayer. If you could all do the same that would mean so much. I know I want more communication, I just don't know if asking is worth losing it all..? God's Will will be done either way. Thanks for your support and your kind, kind words.