Next Step

My pc sent me the letter I was telling you all about. I read it and for the most part it had want I would want to say to B&E in it. There's a couple things I would like to change, which she said feel free to do. Here's the letter.

"I've loved so much seeing H grow and thrive in your family! She is so well adjusted and it's abundantly clear how much she is loved by you guys. Getting the pictures and letters through email and the mail has been so reaffirming to me that I made the right decision to place her with you guys. You truly are great parents to H!" 

This paragraph is great. I get a strange feeling in my stomach when I read "...reaffirming to me that i made the right decision to place her with you guys..." Yes I feel like if it should have been anyone to adopt H that they were the ones. I just have a hard time with it still.

"I loved our visit in April so much and it brought me so much closure and clarity on my decision."

In a way, yes it brought "closure and clarity" but can I really receive closure from this??

"It was so apparent that you guys were her mom and dad, that was a realization that I needed then in order to really have peace with my decision." 

Yes, after I left I really felt like H was their daughter and no longer mine, but I don't like reading it. Kind of hurts my heart. 

"Thank you for giving me that opportunity! It's hard to think that there is only one more agreed upon visit between us. It would be amazing to know her, to watch her grow, and to be involved in a more tangible way than just pictures and letters. How would you guys feel about the possibility of having more visits? I know this is something that is outside of our communication agreement and that it is something that needs to be mutually agreed upon and always in the best interest of H, but I thought I would mention my interest and see where you guys stood on the subject." 

I like that we took the next step (writing the letter), but now I know that the step after this is sending the letter.. and sending the letter means there could be a disappointing reply. I think it's pretty clear how afraid of the unknown I am. Once you say, do, or send something you can't take it back.. and this is something that will effect the rest of our lives. 

I, of course, will be bathing this in prayer. If you could all do the same that would mean so much. I know I want more communication, I just don't know if asking is worth losing it all..? God's Will will be done either way. Thanks for your support and your kind, kind words.