Lately I've been so busy with work and with friends. I've been trying to keep certain things off my mind. I changed my background on my phone and computer from H's picture to something else. Out of sight out of mind, right?
It's been probably a month and a half since I've cried. I hate crying. This past year I've cried more than I've ever cried before. Part of me feels guilty for staying so busy I can't even think. The other part feels relieved that I'm not obsessing over what I don't have.
I received an email from B&E about a week ago. I still haven't responded. I just don't know what to say, it's almost as if they aren't real. Like if I don't reply or don't look at pictures of H then it never happened.
I just don't want to hurt anymore. When I think of H it hurts so much. I'm so glad my family hasn't asked about her or her family, or how I'm feeling. I'm just not up to explaining why I don't want to talk about it.
H's hospital picture used to be on my dashboard, I recently took it down because I had people in my car that don't know about her. I just haven't put it back up yet...
I'm so hot and cold with this adoption. I want to be invested, I just don't know how to be invested without feeling depressed or sad the whole time. Ironically, next week I'll probably be saying "I want to send B&E ten emails and know what H is wearing and blah blah blah" Maybe this comes with the territory? I guess I just need to find a happy medium in my two worlds of reality.
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