Bad Day :(

Yesterday was just the worst. It was H's 8 month and it was a hard one for me. 4 more months and she'll be a year old! I can't even believe it's been 8 months since I gave birth. Some days it feels like yesterday, other days it feels like it never really happened. I knew today was going to be hard right when I woke up. I had decided to go for a run to try and shake things off. It was such a great relief to be out there on my own, just running. I felt like I was running from everything that's happening in my life. Running from work, from the people I'm always around, from the adoption, from confrontation, from fear of the future, from my family, etc.. Then I got home. I knew I needed to respond to B&E's email they sent 2 weeks ago, and what better day to respond than H's 8 month.

For weeks now I've been holding in all my feelings. I've been trying to keep busy, I've had a party every weekend with tons of people over. I just don't want to confront my feelings. I haven't talked to my mom about anything in so long. I'm working till late at night and she's asleep by the time I get home. We rarely see each other except on the weekends. Before yesterday, I couldn't even tell you the last time I cried.

As I sat there and wrote my email to B&E i just cried and cried. My email wasn't sad or anything, but just the build up of feelings over such a long period of time got to me. It wasn't long either. They had told me how H is doing, what they had been up to for the past couple weeks, etc. H is now babbling and saying "dada" but it doesn't mean Daddy just yet. She's also "crawling", they say she scoots backwards. What I would give just to see a video...

Even at work I had a hard time. I thought being with others would get things off my mind. I haven't felt more unwanted, unimportant, not good enough, and bullied than I did today. I could have cried all day. People were rude, inconsiderate, and just plain old mean. After work my sister yelled at me in front of some coworkers and made me feel very embarrassed. I haven't said a word to her since.

I know I deserve better, but I don't choose who I work with... I'm ready for new surroundings, new people, and new experiences. I just want people to be proud of me, and want to be around me. I want to be someone H would think of as a role model. I want her to be able to say, That's my birthmom and I love her! So glad today is over... God brings new mercies each morning...