I've found this Holiday season to be one of remembering the past. For Christians this Holiday season is about remembering the birth of our Savior. It is also a time to remember the past year(s). These past two Christmases have been so vastly different than the other 18 that I've had.
When you have a child you no longer think about yourself nonstop; everything revolves around what is best for them (whether or not you decided to parent). Last Christmas I only thought about H and what she was doing for her first Christmas. I thought about the traditions her family might be doing, what Santa might have brought her, or if she was really fitting into their family (it would have only been a month and a week after placement). This Christmas I thought about H. If she got my presents in time, if she loved unwrapping her gifts, if she had a yummy Christmas breakfast, etc. But this Christmas I didn't worry about H. I smiled at the thought of her laughter when she opened her gifts and the joy when she experienced her siblings happiness and excitement.
I'm happy at where I am now and H is happy too. This season of remembrance has been healthy and healing for me. Being able to see where H and I started to where we are now is truly inspiring and heart warming. Someday I hope we can look back at our journeys together.
Wednesday, December 26, 2012
Thursday, December 20, 2012
Keepsakes
There has been something on my mind these last few days. Since my latest visit with H and her family I've been thinking about how much she has grown and I have replayed the visit in my mind many times. She is so loved. As a mother that means so much to me, to know that my daughter is loved and cared for. Her brothers and sister love her so much and are so involved in her life. B & E adore her. I could tell by the way they would look at her and the way she relied on them. Even thought H is 13 months she loves. The look in her eye when she walked over to E and hugged her was love. H loves her parents and loves her siblings. I couldn't be happier with the family I chose for H.
Even though H is an hour and a half away from me, I'm at peace with it. There aren't any questions in my mind that she's being taken care of. She is clearly loved and cherished. Not only does her family that she lives with cherish and love her, but my family, H's birth family, cherishes and loves her. We don't have the chance, or as many chances, to see that look of love in her eyes or give that look of love to her; but we do show our love by keeping pictures and videos of H around. I have a keepsake box that has everything of H's from the hospital in it: birth certificate, blankets, hats, socks, umbilical clamp, hair brush, stickers, and the flower that was given to me from B & E after I delivered H.
I also have a box that I keep all of H's pictures in from the hospital and from every update B & E send. I'm currently waiting for H's 1-year update pictures.
I think it is a great idea to have a keepsake box for your child. Mine is already so full, so when I start receiving drawings or crafts (here's to wishing I do!) then I will have to get a bigger box to put everything in. It has been so helpful in my process of grieving and recovery. I love looking through all of H's hospital stuff. Also, being able to look at all her pictures has been amazing. I've been able to watch her grow through pictures and videos. Something a lot of people don't understand is that having pictures that you can touch are a lot different than having picture on a computer screen, and they are more meaningful. Holding H's picture, to me, makes her feel a lot closer and more real than seeing her picture on my computer screen.
Something else I have done is buy a Christmas ornament for H and I. I buy 2 of the same one so that every year she can remember me and I can remember her. Last year I bought one that is a sea shell that says, "Always remembered. Always in our hearts." This year I bought a sand dollar that says, "The ones we love never truly leave us." Each have the date on them. I didn't want to get a "Baby's 1st Christmas" ornament because I was sure someone from B & E's family would. I plan to do this every year, that way H and I have our own Christmas tradition. For this Christmas I also bought a recordable book. I had wanted to last Christmas, but they are so expensive. I had wanted to get the book "I'll Love You Forever", it is one of my favorites from my childhood. Unfortunately they did not have that one this year, so I decided to get the book "Wherever You Are My Love Will Find You". I had never heard of it, but I believe it was a complete God find. The book was perfect. I recorded it and sent it in the mail along with other gifts from my family to theirs.
All of these little things are just that: things. But they hold a deeper meaning that I hope will last all our lives.
Even though H is an hour and a half away from me, I'm at peace with it. There aren't any questions in my mind that she's being taken care of. She is clearly loved and cherished. Not only does her family that she lives with cherish and love her, but my family, H's birth family, cherishes and loves her. We don't have the chance, or as many chances, to see that look of love in her eyes or give that look of love to her; but we do show our love by keeping pictures and videos of H around. I have a keepsake box that has everything of H's from the hospital in it: birth certificate, blankets, hats, socks, umbilical clamp, hair brush, stickers, and the flower that was given to me from B & E after I delivered H.
I also have a box that I keep all of H's pictures in from the hospital and from every update B & E send. I'm currently waiting for H's 1-year update pictures.
I think it is a great idea to have a keepsake box for your child. Mine is already so full, so when I start receiving drawings or crafts (here's to wishing I do!) then I will have to get a bigger box to put everything in. It has been so helpful in my process of grieving and recovery. I love looking through all of H's hospital stuff. Also, being able to look at all her pictures has been amazing. I've been able to watch her grow through pictures and videos. Something a lot of people don't understand is that having pictures that you can touch are a lot different than having picture on a computer screen, and they are more meaningful. Holding H's picture, to me, makes her feel a lot closer and more real than seeing her picture on my computer screen.
Something else I have done is buy a Christmas ornament for H and I. I buy 2 of the same one so that every year she can remember me and I can remember her. Last year I bought one that is a sea shell that says, "Always remembered. Always in our hearts." This year I bought a sand dollar that says, "The ones we love never truly leave us." Each have the date on them. I didn't want to get a "Baby's 1st Christmas" ornament because I was sure someone from B & E's family would. I plan to do this every year, that way H and I have our own Christmas tradition. For this Christmas I also bought a recordable book. I had wanted to last Christmas, but they are so expensive. I had wanted to get the book "I'll Love You Forever", it is one of my favorites from my childhood. Unfortunately they did not have that one this year, so I decided to get the book "Wherever You Are My Love Will Find You". I had never heard of it, but I believe it was a complete God find. The book was perfect. I recorded it and sent it in the mail along with other gifts from my family to theirs.
All of these little things are just that: things. But they hold a deeper meaning that I hope will last all our lives.
Wednesday, November 21, 2012
Milestone
A year ago yesterday I placed my daughter for adoption. It was the hardest decision I have ever made, and probably will ever make, in my life. I can remember it as if it were just yesterday...
I had chosen to spend three days with my precious baby. H was delivered via c-section at 9:15 Wednesday November 16th, 2011 weighing 5 lbs 7 oz (such a tiny little beauty!!). I spent the rest of that evening in bed, the nurses said I'd be numb for another 24 hrs at least. I was very upset that I ended up having a c-section, because I wanted to do everything for H while I could; feed her, change her, bathe her, etc. I was so drained after the c-section and still shaking from the medicine they gave me. They said I lost a lot of blood, and looking back at the pictures I can tell because I was so pale and sick looking. I remember lying in the hospital bed trying to keep my eyes open to watch H's every move. I didn't want to miss anything that was going on; I wanted to savor every second I had with her. We gave the "okay" for visitors to come in and B & E were the first ones to enter. To my surprise they came straight to me, didn't even look at H. E has had 3 c-sections so she knew what I was going through. They came in and hugged me and asked if I was okay. They even asked permission to see H. I, of course, said yes and they were able to see her in the warmer. I had a couple more visitors after B & E. I was so exhausted though, my Aunt had asked everyone to leave so I could have time with H. The first night was hard, because I was so worn out and it was H's first night and we didn't know how it would go. I was bed bound, so my mom had to do a lot of the work. She changed her diapers, got her bottle ready, but gave me the bottle and H so I could feed her, and she rocked H to sleep and put her back in her crib. I was very sad I couldn't do that, because I so badly wanted to.
The next day seemed to come so fast. I was very determined to get out of bed that day, and I did. I was up and walking around way before the 24 hour period the nurses talked about. They said they had never seen anyone up and walking that soon after a c-section. I was bound and determined to be H's mother for the next 2 full days, doing everything I could for her. She was such a sweet little baby! She didn't cry much, only when she was hungry or had a dirty diaper. There were many pictures taken during our hospital stay. I love looking through them and seeing how much H has changed! It's truly amazing, especially looking at her now (1 year and 6 days) and comparing her to her pictures as a newborn. B & E visited on both Thursday the 17th and Friday the 18th. Friday was my 19th birthday. Having H with me on my birthday was the greatest gift ever. Being able to spend time with her and cherish every moment was the only thing I needed and wanted. My PC was there on my birthday too, she brought my favorite cake from the Cheesecake Factory. My mom and Aunt were there as well. They brought birthday gifts from my family and friends. I received many white roses that day, because they are my favorite.
I'll never forget the night of my birthday though... I was sitting on the bed holding H oh so tightly, crying. My mom was sitting in front of me, both of us knowing what tomorrow would bring. I remember looking at my mom, so desperate for her to say anything to stop me from going through with the adoption. I loved H so much and she loved H so much. I knew that she would help me take care of her and provide for her somehow, but she never said anything. I sat there and cried for hours, never letting go of H. My mom knew exactly what was going on in my head and her heart was breaking for me. We've had many talks about that night and I've even told her about how I wanted her to save me from making that decision and her response was "I didn't know you wanted me to save you..." with tears streaming down her face.
Saturday, November 19, 2011 I woke up with H in my arms with a very heavy heart. H got her pictures taken by the hospital photographer, lying in my leopard print bathrobe (the pictures are to die for!!!) and had to have a car seat check because she was so small. I spent a good hour to an hour and a half apart from H while she was in the car seat check. That hour was so hard. I was already empty handed and all I wanted was to hold her for as long as I could. During that time I got dressed for the placement ceremony I wanted to have. H came back from the car seat check and by then it was time to sign the relinquishment papers. With H in my arms I read through the papers, still searching for anyone to stop me. Sobbing, I signed my name on the papers. My brother, mom, aunt, and pastor and his wife, and my PC were in the room while I was signing and there wasn't a dry eye.
Another hour past and it was time for the ceremony. My pastor led the ceremony in the hospital's chapel. On the left side of the room sat my family and on the other side sat B & E. Pastor dedicated H to the Lord (in the same dedication dress I was dedicated in when I was a baby) and I promised to pray for H and B & E daily and to always love H. I had asked my brother to play a song during the ceremony. While H was being delivered the song "God Gave Me You" came on the radio in the OR. I had him play that song before I relinquished H to B & E. As the song ended pastor said it was now time to hand H to B & E. My family then surrounded me with a big hug, all of us crying. My brother started praying over me and H and I couldn't hear anything. I was so focused on holding H one last time. I remember sitting there thinking to myself "You have to let her go. Get up. Go over to E, hand H over. You need to get up!" I literally had to talk myself into it, because no one else was telling me it was time to give her to B & E. I have never cried so hard in my life and still haven't to this day. After I got up to give H to B & E, I gave each a hug and told them to take good care of her and that I loved them and I loved her. I think they stood there for a while, but I had already turned around and fell into my mom's arms. I wasn't sobbing anymore, I was more than sobbing. It was a tremendous flow of tears and almost screams. It was the worst pain I had ever felt. It was as if my heart had been ripped out of my chest. I can't even explain how painful that moment was; knowing I'd never see her as she was then ever again, knowing she would be going home with someone else and not me, knowing she would never know me as mom, knowing that the next day I would wake up and she wouldn't be there..
A year later I can still feel the pain. It was painful just to write that out and relive that moment I haven't thought about for months. It is truly earth shattering to think through this last year. H is so big and healthy and beautiful. She has touched so many people's lives in just her first year of life! Think about all the other people she will touch the rest of her life! I am beyond proud of her and I love her more than words can say. A year ago today I was so deep in sadness and loneliness, I never thought I would smile or laugh again. But I've seen H twice since placement day and those two moments have been my happiest in this past year. H is definitely something special! I am so thankful for these hard milestones, because that means H is alive and healthy, making an impact on this world and fulfilling the plan God has for my little honeybee.
I had chosen to spend three days with my precious baby. H was delivered via c-section at 9:15 Wednesday November 16th, 2011 weighing 5 lbs 7 oz (such a tiny little beauty!!). I spent the rest of that evening in bed, the nurses said I'd be numb for another 24 hrs at least. I was very upset that I ended up having a c-section, because I wanted to do everything for H while I could; feed her, change her, bathe her, etc. I was so drained after the c-section and still shaking from the medicine they gave me. They said I lost a lot of blood, and looking back at the pictures I can tell because I was so pale and sick looking. I remember lying in the hospital bed trying to keep my eyes open to watch H's every move. I didn't want to miss anything that was going on; I wanted to savor every second I had with her. We gave the "okay" for visitors to come in and B & E were the first ones to enter. To my surprise they came straight to me, didn't even look at H. E has had 3 c-sections so she knew what I was going through. They came in and hugged me and asked if I was okay. They even asked permission to see H. I, of course, said yes and they were able to see her in the warmer. I had a couple more visitors after B & E. I was so exhausted though, my Aunt had asked everyone to leave so I could have time with H. The first night was hard, because I was so worn out and it was H's first night and we didn't know how it would go. I was bed bound, so my mom had to do a lot of the work. She changed her diapers, got her bottle ready, but gave me the bottle and H so I could feed her, and she rocked H to sleep and put her back in her crib. I was very sad I couldn't do that, because I so badly wanted to.
The next day seemed to come so fast. I was very determined to get out of bed that day, and I did. I was up and walking around way before the 24 hour period the nurses talked about. They said they had never seen anyone up and walking that soon after a c-section. I was bound and determined to be H's mother for the next 2 full days, doing everything I could for her. She was such a sweet little baby! She didn't cry much, only when she was hungry or had a dirty diaper. There were many pictures taken during our hospital stay. I love looking through them and seeing how much H has changed! It's truly amazing, especially looking at her now (1 year and 6 days) and comparing her to her pictures as a newborn. B & E visited on both Thursday the 17th and Friday the 18th. Friday was my 19th birthday. Having H with me on my birthday was the greatest gift ever. Being able to spend time with her and cherish every moment was the only thing I needed and wanted. My PC was there on my birthday too, she brought my favorite cake from the Cheesecake Factory. My mom and Aunt were there as well. They brought birthday gifts from my family and friends. I received many white roses that day, because they are my favorite.
I'll never forget the night of my birthday though... I was sitting on the bed holding H oh so tightly, crying. My mom was sitting in front of me, both of us knowing what tomorrow would bring. I remember looking at my mom, so desperate for her to say anything to stop me from going through with the adoption. I loved H so much and she loved H so much. I knew that she would help me take care of her and provide for her somehow, but she never said anything. I sat there and cried for hours, never letting go of H. My mom knew exactly what was going on in my head and her heart was breaking for me. We've had many talks about that night and I've even told her about how I wanted her to save me from making that decision and her response was "I didn't know you wanted me to save you..." with tears streaming down her face.
Saturday, November 19, 2011 I woke up with H in my arms with a very heavy heart. H got her pictures taken by the hospital photographer, lying in my leopard print bathrobe (the pictures are to die for!!!) and had to have a car seat check because she was so small. I spent a good hour to an hour and a half apart from H while she was in the car seat check. That hour was so hard. I was already empty handed and all I wanted was to hold her for as long as I could. During that time I got dressed for the placement ceremony I wanted to have. H came back from the car seat check and by then it was time to sign the relinquishment papers. With H in my arms I read through the papers, still searching for anyone to stop me. Sobbing, I signed my name on the papers. My brother, mom, aunt, and pastor and his wife, and my PC were in the room while I was signing and there wasn't a dry eye.
Another hour past and it was time for the ceremony. My pastor led the ceremony in the hospital's chapel. On the left side of the room sat my family and on the other side sat B & E. Pastor dedicated H to the Lord (in the same dedication dress I was dedicated in when I was a baby) and I promised to pray for H and B & E daily and to always love H. I had asked my brother to play a song during the ceremony. While H was being delivered the song "God Gave Me You" came on the radio in the OR. I had him play that song before I relinquished H to B & E. As the song ended pastor said it was now time to hand H to B & E. My family then surrounded me with a big hug, all of us crying. My brother started praying over me and H and I couldn't hear anything. I was so focused on holding H one last time. I remember sitting there thinking to myself "You have to let her go. Get up. Go over to E, hand H over. You need to get up!" I literally had to talk myself into it, because no one else was telling me it was time to give her to B & E. I have never cried so hard in my life and still haven't to this day. After I got up to give H to B & E, I gave each a hug and told them to take good care of her and that I loved them and I loved her. I think they stood there for a while, but I had already turned around and fell into my mom's arms. I wasn't sobbing anymore, I was more than sobbing. It was a tremendous flow of tears and almost screams. It was the worst pain I had ever felt. It was as if my heart had been ripped out of my chest. I can't even explain how painful that moment was; knowing I'd never see her as she was then ever again, knowing she would be going home with someone else and not me, knowing she would never know me as mom, knowing that the next day I would wake up and she wouldn't be there..
A year later I can still feel the pain. It was painful just to write that out and relive that moment I haven't thought about for months. It is truly earth shattering to think through this last year. H is so big and healthy and beautiful. She has touched so many people's lives in just her first year of life! Think about all the other people she will touch the rest of her life! I am beyond proud of her and I love her more than words can say. A year ago today I was so deep in sadness and loneliness, I never thought I would smile or laugh again. But I've seen H twice since placement day and those two moments have been my happiest in this past year. H is definitely something special! I am so thankful for these hard milestones, because that means H is alive and healthy, making an impact on this world and fulfilling the plan God has for my little honeybee.
Sunday, November 18, 2012
Happy Birthday!
Well, B & E have a 1 year old on their hands now, along with a 6, 5, and almost 4 year old! My mom now has a 20 year old! Happy Birthday to me today!
It was H's birthday on Friday. I skipped out on my last class as my mom and sister and I drove to meet up with B & E. They brought all 4 children to this meeting. It took us a little over an hour to get the agency where we had our meeting. It didn't really hit me until we pulled in the parking lot that I was about to see H for the second time after placement. Wow, was I nervous! I began to shake uncontrollably as I wrote in her birthday card. I never know how to sign the cards I send her. The first one I sent I think I signed it "mommy". I haven't signed it like that since. This last one I said (my name), birthmom. I want to her know who I am and how I'm related to her. I don't want to just sign my name like a friend of the family would. I am H's birthmom and I intend for her to know that all the days of her life.
So, I signed the card and gathered all the presents together. The 3 of us started heading in and my mom just had to ask the one question I couldn't stand being asked at the moment. I was walking trying to stop shaking and holding back tears and she asks, "How are you feeling?" Ahh, mom?! I said with tears now streaming down my face and starting to sob, "You can't ask me that right now!" She quickly apologized and shut up. We walked into the agency and told them why we were there and they brought us back to the room they set aside for us. B & E hadn't arrived yet, which I was kind of upset about. They live in that town and we had to drive over an hour to get there, but we were the first ones at the agency.. Oh well. It did give me time to chill out though, take a few breaths, use the restroom and get myself under control before H got there.
A couple minutes later they arrived. E and her 3 kids walked in first and then B with the car seat second. E came right up to me and hugged me so tightly. I stood impatiently waiting to see H. She was asleep in the car seat.. I stole a couple peeks at her while E was talking to me. B got H out and she woke up, didn't cry or anything, just looked around the room. She was so big! This little baby I remember from April was no longer a little baby! She was 1 and so beautiful. B & E informed me that she could now walk. They said she took her first steps last week and already she was motoring around. I was able to see her walk a couple times, but for the most part she was in my arms throughout the 2 hour visit.
H had light brown tight curls that were so precious. Her lips are identical to mine and her laugh is heart melting. She adored my mom, who goes by Gommie to her grandchildren. H sat on Gommie's lap so content and smiling, looking up at her with a big grin on her face. H loved my sister too. She knows exactly what to do to make H laugh. She's always been good at finding her tickle spots! I was able to hold H while we opened up her birthday presents from my family. She loved the toys we all got her. I was so thrilled when she squealed with joy at the gift I got her. When I was little I had the magnetic kissing Nala and Simba Lion King stuffed animals and I found a new version of them a couple months ago. I knew I had to get them for her birthday! She LOVED it! I helped her unwrap it and she gave Simba the biggest hug! It was amazing to see.
I wish I could explain every detail of our visit, but that would take forever. It was so fulfilling to see H play with her siblings, and see how much they adore her. B & E's daughter LC showered H with kisses and their son J received H with open arms when she walked to him. H crawled all over their second son C and he just laughed at her and patted her back. They all love her so much. It was so great to be able to see their interaction, it really made my heart happy. I also saw the love in H's eyes toward B & E. She glows when E is holding her. It makes me feel so comforted to know H is happy and taken care of.
Reflecting back on our meeting made me realize how whole I feel when I'm with H. Every moment spent away from her is never satisfying, even if a day goes by and I don't cry or I laugh a lot, it is still unsatisfying. But when I am with H I feel whole, my heart is whole. She is the missing piece of my heart when she's away. But this visit has given me hope for the future, knowing she is loved and she is happy. H is a very lucky girl and a very loved little piece of heaven. I am so proud to be her birthmom. I love her so, so much.
It was H's birthday on Friday. I skipped out on my last class as my mom and sister and I drove to meet up with B & E. They brought all 4 children to this meeting. It took us a little over an hour to get the agency where we had our meeting. It didn't really hit me until we pulled in the parking lot that I was about to see H for the second time after placement. Wow, was I nervous! I began to shake uncontrollably as I wrote in her birthday card. I never know how to sign the cards I send her. The first one I sent I think I signed it "mommy". I haven't signed it like that since. This last one I said (my name), birthmom. I want to her know who I am and how I'm related to her. I don't want to just sign my name like a friend of the family would. I am H's birthmom and I intend for her to know that all the days of her life.
So, I signed the card and gathered all the presents together. The 3 of us started heading in and my mom just had to ask the one question I couldn't stand being asked at the moment. I was walking trying to stop shaking and holding back tears and she asks, "How are you feeling?" Ahh, mom?! I said with tears now streaming down my face and starting to sob, "You can't ask me that right now!" She quickly apologized and shut up. We walked into the agency and told them why we were there and they brought us back to the room they set aside for us. B & E hadn't arrived yet, which I was kind of upset about. They live in that town and we had to drive over an hour to get there, but we were the first ones at the agency.. Oh well. It did give me time to chill out though, take a few breaths, use the restroom and get myself under control before H got there.
A couple minutes later they arrived. E and her 3 kids walked in first and then B with the car seat second. E came right up to me and hugged me so tightly. I stood impatiently waiting to see H. She was asleep in the car seat.. I stole a couple peeks at her while E was talking to me. B got H out and she woke up, didn't cry or anything, just looked around the room. She was so big! This little baby I remember from April was no longer a little baby! She was 1 and so beautiful. B & E informed me that she could now walk. They said she took her first steps last week and already she was motoring around. I was able to see her walk a couple times, but for the most part she was in my arms throughout the 2 hour visit.
H had light brown tight curls that were so precious. Her lips are identical to mine and her laugh is heart melting. She adored my mom, who goes by Gommie to her grandchildren. H sat on Gommie's lap so content and smiling, looking up at her with a big grin on her face. H loved my sister too. She knows exactly what to do to make H laugh. She's always been good at finding her tickle spots! I was able to hold H while we opened up her birthday presents from my family. She loved the toys we all got her. I was so thrilled when she squealed with joy at the gift I got her. When I was little I had the magnetic kissing Nala and Simba Lion King stuffed animals and I found a new version of them a couple months ago. I knew I had to get them for her birthday! She LOVED it! I helped her unwrap it and she gave Simba the biggest hug! It was amazing to see.
I wish I could explain every detail of our visit, but that would take forever. It was so fulfilling to see H play with her siblings, and see how much they adore her. B & E's daughter LC showered H with kisses and their son J received H with open arms when she walked to him. H crawled all over their second son C and he just laughed at her and patted her back. They all love her so much. It was so great to be able to see their interaction, it really made my heart happy. I also saw the love in H's eyes toward B & E. She glows when E is holding her. It makes me feel so comforted to know H is happy and taken care of.
Reflecting back on our meeting made me realize how whole I feel when I'm with H. Every moment spent away from her is never satisfying, even if a day goes by and I don't cry or I laugh a lot, it is still unsatisfying. But when I am with H I feel whole, my heart is whole. She is the missing piece of my heart when she's away. But this visit has given me hope for the future, knowing she is loved and she is happy. H is a very lucky girl and a very loved little piece of heaven. I am so proud to be her birthmom. I love her so, so much.
Sunday, October 28, 2012
Another Visit
I've never been the type of person to just lay all my problems out on the table. I tend to keep emotions pent up inside me until there is no room left. Unfortunately, that ends with lots of tears and bloodshot eyes. I think I'm getting to that blow up stage again.
Since I'm at school 24/7 I have no one to talk to about H and I'm forced to keep my thoughts about her and the adoption to myself. When the really hard times hit I'm usually in class or in my dorm room (with my roommate) and I have to deny what I am feeling at that moment, because I can't make it obvious something is wrong. If I do people will ask questions. And if they ask questions I'll have to lie. I don't want to lie. Although, it feels like I'm living a lie. I have this precious joy that's growing older by the minute, learning new things about this massive world and all its wonders, and no one knows. I've heard people talk about pregnant teenagers around campus and in classes it has been brought up. In those moments I freeze as if everyone is staring at me, condemning me because I was/am a teen mom. Granted I was graduated from high school and a few days shy of being 19 when I gave birth to H. It's so hard not to think everyone is judging me, even though they know nothing about me and about H and what these last 2 years have been for us.
Even writing to you now if feels as if I'm on high alert. I'm sitting in my dorm room with my roommate on the other side of the wall. Anyone could come and look at my computer screen and see what I am writing. It's frightening at times. I've chosen secretiveness for H's safety from her birthfather and this horrid town. I guess I never realized how hard it is to keep such a big secret and what kind of weight that is to carry.
All that weight has been holding me down and I feel as though there is an anvil on both my shoulders. Everywhere I go I wonder if someone is going to mention the anvils. Sure there are times when they seem lighter, but overall it comes back to that dark place where I feel so low and worthless. I felt that way tonight when I got another email from B and E.
Recently they ask me if I wanted to have a visit (off record) with them and H close to our birthdays (next month). Of course I said yes. I was so overjoyed! I think you'll all understand how much that means to me. I replied right away and it was weeks till I got another email from them. It talked about dates that we could meet and I replied with dates that worked well for me, but mentioned that I'd be more than willing to work around their schedule to see them. During this time I was in conversation with my PC asking if she had heard anything from them about the first email I sent about more visitation and communication. She had sent an email saying that I took the initiative and put myself out there to ask for more and that they should at least acknowledge my email. They said that they had received it and were praying about it, but never mentioned anything about sending an email back to me. Well, today I got another email from B and E stating that they were trying to schedule a time with the local agency for our visitation. This kind of threw me for a loop.
For our last visit we didn't have an agency member with us. It was my family and them and H. It went great! But this time they want the agency there. This scares me. My first thoughts were, "Maybe they are wanting to close the adoption. Maybe I asked too much too soon." I'm a Negative Nelly, so that's common for me. My mom, on the other hand, was more positive about it and said, "It's a good thing they initiated this visit. Maybe having the agency there will be a good mediator, if they are wanting to talk about more visitation and communication in person." It could honestly go both ways. I really don't know what they are looking for or willing to accept anymore. I just feel like I'm walking on eggshells. Sure wish God would show me his plan.
Since I'm at school 24/7 I have no one to talk to about H and I'm forced to keep my thoughts about her and the adoption to myself. When the really hard times hit I'm usually in class or in my dorm room (with my roommate) and I have to deny what I am feeling at that moment, because I can't make it obvious something is wrong. If I do people will ask questions. And if they ask questions I'll have to lie. I don't want to lie. Although, it feels like I'm living a lie. I have this precious joy that's growing older by the minute, learning new things about this massive world and all its wonders, and no one knows. I've heard people talk about pregnant teenagers around campus and in classes it has been brought up. In those moments I freeze as if everyone is staring at me, condemning me because I was/am a teen mom. Granted I was graduated from high school and a few days shy of being 19 when I gave birth to H. It's so hard not to think everyone is judging me, even though they know nothing about me and about H and what these last 2 years have been for us.
Even writing to you now if feels as if I'm on high alert. I'm sitting in my dorm room with my roommate on the other side of the wall. Anyone could come and look at my computer screen and see what I am writing. It's frightening at times. I've chosen secretiveness for H's safety from her birthfather and this horrid town. I guess I never realized how hard it is to keep such a big secret and what kind of weight that is to carry.
All that weight has been holding me down and I feel as though there is an anvil on both my shoulders. Everywhere I go I wonder if someone is going to mention the anvils. Sure there are times when they seem lighter, but overall it comes back to that dark place where I feel so low and worthless. I felt that way tonight when I got another email from B and E.
Recently they ask me if I wanted to have a visit (off record) with them and H close to our birthdays (next month). Of course I said yes. I was so overjoyed! I think you'll all understand how much that means to me. I replied right away and it was weeks till I got another email from them. It talked about dates that we could meet and I replied with dates that worked well for me, but mentioned that I'd be more than willing to work around their schedule to see them. During this time I was in conversation with my PC asking if she had heard anything from them about the first email I sent about more visitation and communication. She had sent an email saying that I took the initiative and put myself out there to ask for more and that they should at least acknowledge my email. They said that they had received it and were praying about it, but never mentioned anything about sending an email back to me. Well, today I got another email from B and E stating that they were trying to schedule a time with the local agency for our visitation. This kind of threw me for a loop.
For our last visit we didn't have an agency member with us. It was my family and them and H. It went great! But this time they want the agency there. This scares me. My first thoughts were, "Maybe they are wanting to close the adoption. Maybe I asked too much too soon." I'm a Negative Nelly, so that's common for me. My mom, on the other hand, was more positive about it and said, "It's a good thing they initiated this visit. Maybe having the agency there will be a good mediator, if they are wanting to talk about more visitation and communication in person." It could honestly go both ways. I really don't know what they are looking for or willing to accept anymore. I just feel like I'm walking on eggshells. Sure wish God would show me his plan.
Sunday, September 16, 2012
Forgiveness for the Past
I don't usually check my mailbox here at school. It's in the student center which is far from my dorm and I'm, most of the time, way too lazy to walk over there for something so simple. I happened to be passing through last night so I said what the heck and check my mailbox. I had SO many things! 3 card/letters and a couple flyers. I looked through the flyers and weeding them out. Then I opened the paper letter that was folded up and had my name on it. It was a letter from the girl who used to be my best friend in high school. The girl who then proceeded to stab me in the back after she and I found out I was pregnant by telling everyone. Oh, and then dating my ex-boyfriend.
I knew it was from her right away because that handwriting will forever be stuck in my brain. We wrote many notes back and for to each other. We had a whole notebook! I was so afraid to start reading the letter. She goes to school here as well and is a sophomore. The first time I saw her on campus pretty much ran the other way. The second time it was basically a sneak attack. An old friend waved me down and I was in a hurry so I didn't see who he was sitting with, as I looked over to say hi I realized it was her. I didn't have time to think about what to do or what to say. I just talked to him and left. Receiving this letter was been the scariest moment here at school so far. What would it say? Would it be something like, "I know your secret and I'm going to make sure I tell the whole school by the end of the year." or "I told (birthdad) about H and now he's on the hunt for you." or maybe "I secretly poisoned your coffee and you're doing to die!!!!" Alright, I knew it wasn't going to be something like the last one, but honestly you never know!
Instead of all those crazy thoughts about what it could have said, I read it and was speechless. She was apologizing and asking me for forgiveness. She said the Lord spoke to her heart. Even now it gives me chills thinking about it. Here's the letter:
"As you may or may not know, tonight's service was over forgiveness. I want to say right off the bat that I have already forgiven you. But that is not at all why I'm writing. I'm writing to ask for your forgiveness. God has placed on my heat the conviction of what I did to you and our friendship. I am and will forever regret the way our senior year and relationship ended. I don't feel the need to specifically address thew wrong doings because I know that broth you and I know what I have done and what you probably feel resentment toward. I don't expect you to write me back nor change the way you interact with me. I just want you to experience the freedom of forgiveness, if you have not already. I genuinely hope that God has blessed your life and will continue to do so. Also, I genuinely believe the He is going to do amazing thing with and through you, again I'm so sorry."
My first reaction was, "What did you need to forgive me for? I didn't do anything to you!" Which in a way I still feel that way. I've thought about it long and hard and can't come up with anything that I did toward the end of our friendship that would need forgiving. Then, I felt anger. How could she even have the audacity to say this after what she did to me. I wish I could say I felt peace, but I didn't. I'm still very angry with her and very upset. That is my child she has potentially put in danger. I don't take that lightly. What if I would have miscarried? How awful would she have felt then? Part of me can't wait till she becomes a mother to understand how I feel. So she can ultimately feel how horrid the things she did were.
But, I need to be thankful. This is one step toward healing. God is working people! God is working.
I knew it was from her right away because that handwriting will forever be stuck in my brain. We wrote many notes back and for to each other. We had a whole notebook! I was so afraid to start reading the letter. She goes to school here as well and is a sophomore. The first time I saw her on campus pretty much ran the other way. The second time it was basically a sneak attack. An old friend waved me down and I was in a hurry so I didn't see who he was sitting with, as I looked over to say hi I realized it was her. I didn't have time to think about what to do or what to say. I just talked to him and left. Receiving this letter was been the scariest moment here at school so far. What would it say? Would it be something like, "I know your secret and I'm going to make sure I tell the whole school by the end of the year." or "I told (birthdad) about H and now he's on the hunt for you." or maybe "I secretly poisoned your coffee and you're doing to die!!!!" Alright, I knew it wasn't going to be something like the last one, but honestly you never know!
Instead of all those crazy thoughts about what it could have said, I read it and was speechless. She was apologizing and asking me for forgiveness. She said the Lord spoke to her heart. Even now it gives me chills thinking about it. Here's the letter:
"As you may or may not know, tonight's service was over forgiveness. I want to say right off the bat that I have already forgiven you. But that is not at all why I'm writing. I'm writing to ask for your forgiveness. God has placed on my heat the conviction of what I did to you and our friendship. I am and will forever regret the way our senior year and relationship ended. I don't feel the need to specifically address thew wrong doings because I know that broth you and I know what I have done and what you probably feel resentment toward. I don't expect you to write me back nor change the way you interact with me. I just want you to experience the freedom of forgiveness, if you have not already. I genuinely hope that God has blessed your life and will continue to do so. Also, I genuinely believe the He is going to do amazing thing with and through you, again I'm so sorry."
My first reaction was, "What did you need to forgive me for? I didn't do anything to you!" Which in a way I still feel that way. I've thought about it long and hard and can't come up with anything that I did toward the end of our friendship that would need forgiving. Then, I felt anger. How could she even have the audacity to say this after what she did to me. I wish I could say I felt peace, but I didn't. I'm still very angry with her and very upset. That is my child she has potentially put in danger. I don't take that lightly. What if I would have miscarried? How awful would she have felt then? Part of me can't wait till she becomes a mother to understand how I feel. So she can ultimately feel how horrid the things she did were.
But, I need to be thankful. This is one step toward healing. God is working people! God is working.
Thursday, September 13, 2012
Just a little update
I know I haven't posted in almost a month. College has started and this being my freshman year everything is so new and super busy! The first weekend it was nonstop. They had us up early and running around everywhere. Very stressful, and very exhausting! I'm almost done with my 2nd week of classes, so things are starting to feel more normal. I've got a routine down now, so I should be able to post more than I have been.
So, I should probably catch you up on things. I sort of left you with a cliff hanger...
I sent that email (the one I posted 2 posts ago) and I haven't received any form of communication back yet. Not even a simple, H is doing great! So glad to hear from you. We will give this a lot of prayer and time. Blah, blah, blah... Not a single word. Which of course scares the crap out of me. I always second guess myself, and I'm so terrified of rejection. My PC will be looking into this sometime soon hopefully. Although I wish she would have looked into it sooner.
Also, H is officially 9 months old going on 10 (wow that's crazy to say!). B&E also didn't send the 9 month update on time. Not like they sent any of the others on their exact date either.... But finally after the agency contacted them for it, they sent it via email. I then received it via email as well from the agency. They sent many pictures and a beautiful letter. E is such a great writer. H says "dada" and E says it's the cutest thing! They also said H loves cinnamon rolls and crescent rolls. It's a little ironic because I CRAVED cinnamon rolls and pretty much any type of bread! They also said that she growls on command! :) how cute?!?! When I was younger I used to pretend I was a dog. I'd bark and growl and sometimes lick and bite people. H also looks so much more like me. She is absolutely gorgeous; perfect skin, perfect hair (tons!), and perfect smile. (reading through that it makes me seem really conceited, haha, but I swear I'm not! She just looks a lot more like me than her birthdad.)
It's been tough, going through the motions of school and no longer being around the people who know what my story is and know about H. Part of me just wants to spill the big secret because it is such a heavy burden on my shoulders when I run into the people I used to know. Just hold on until next March, I tell myself. After that her birthdad can't do anything to her. I probably won't tell the public for many years to come... but man is this burden hard to carry.
Well, thank you so much for all your prayers and all your kindness. I keep reminding myself that God does turn ashes into beauty, and being able to read all of your stories and speak of mine anonymously, really, really helps. It shines a light that could only be shown through God's love. I really am grateful to have readers like you. Thank you!
So, I should probably catch you up on things. I sort of left you with a cliff hanger...
I sent that email (the one I posted 2 posts ago) and I haven't received any form of communication back yet. Not even a simple, H is doing great! So glad to hear from you. We will give this a lot of prayer and time. Blah, blah, blah... Not a single word. Which of course scares the crap out of me. I always second guess myself, and I'm so terrified of rejection. My PC will be looking into this sometime soon hopefully. Although I wish she would have looked into it sooner.
Also, H is officially 9 months old going on 10 (wow that's crazy to say!). B&E also didn't send the 9 month update on time. Not like they sent any of the others on their exact date either.... But finally after the agency contacted them for it, they sent it via email. I then received it via email as well from the agency. They sent many pictures and a beautiful letter. E is such a great writer. H says "dada" and E says it's the cutest thing! They also said H loves cinnamon rolls and crescent rolls. It's a little ironic because I CRAVED cinnamon rolls and pretty much any type of bread! They also said that she growls on command! :) how cute?!?! When I was younger I used to pretend I was a dog. I'd bark and growl and sometimes lick and bite people. H also looks so much more like me. She is absolutely gorgeous; perfect skin, perfect hair (tons!), and perfect smile. (reading through that it makes me seem really conceited, haha, but I swear I'm not! She just looks a lot more like me than her birthdad.)
It's been tough, going through the motions of school and no longer being around the people who know what my story is and know about H. Part of me just wants to spill the big secret because it is such a heavy burden on my shoulders when I run into the people I used to know. Just hold on until next March, I tell myself. After that her birthdad can't do anything to her. I probably won't tell the public for many years to come... but man is this burden hard to carry.
Well, thank you so much for all your prayers and all your kindness. I keep reminding myself that God does turn ashes into beauty, and being able to read all of your stories and speak of mine anonymously, really, really helps. It shines a light that could only be shown through God's love. I really am grateful to have readers like you. Thank you!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)