I honestly feel like the only way to move on is to talk about things. So here I am, being open and honest. Bearing my soul and putting myself out there to be judged.. (yikes!)
I was always a good girl. I had great friends, I did great in school, I was active in my church, etc. Looking back now I think I can say that the pressures of high school got to me. It was my senior year and I had never done anything really bad. I had had 1 boyfriend my sophomore year, but that was like nothing compared to what I would be doing my senior year. I was still a virgin and had always said I would save myself for my husband. I strongly believed that premarital sex was wrong. Little did I know my life would take a complete turn just 3 short months after I received my purity ring on my 18th birthday.
February 13, 2011 I lost my virginity to a guy I didn't even know. He was 24. I also found out he had 3 other children, never married. I say 'lost' because that's exactly what happened. I could even say it was stolen from me. Was it rape? To a certain extent yes! I said no, I asked him to stop. He didn't. It was so painful and I was so scared and confused. I didn't know how it had even happened. Then, poof.. it was over and he got off. I just laid there thinking "I'm not a virgin anymore.." "How the heck am I going to tell my mother?" "Do I tell my mom?!" "What if I get pregnant?" "He didn't use a condom!!" "I could have an STD!" I remember it like it was yesterday, I had said out loud, "I was a virgin." and He said "Well you aren't anymore." I remember picking my things up and leaving; and being in so much pain. Then I had to walk through my front door and pass my mom in the living room and act like nothing had just happened. I never told her. That was my first mistake.
It was maybe a half hour later when he called me and asked if I was okay. I guess I was shocked that he even cared about my 'well-being'. I said yes, even though inside I was dying. The next day I was so scared that I went and got a Plan B pill. I never told him about that. Then, February 21 I started my period and I was the happiest girl ever! I told him and he of course said "I told you so." This next part many of you will hate me for. This was mistake number two..
For whatever reason, I can't even say why, I slept with him again. Sure I could blame it on the fact that my father left our family and that I was searching to be loved by a man, that I had already lost my virginity so what did it matter if I had sex again, etc.. In the 2 weeks we saw each other we had sex 4 times, only once was protected. That would be mistake number 3. After the last time we had sex I was feeling really scared about not using protection so I went and bought the Plan B pill again. I wouldn't find out till March that I was already pregnant when I took the pill.
The last time we had sex was the last time I had talked to him. He left me, I guess you could say. I was 3 months pregnant by the time he contacted me again. I found out that he was seeing another girl, which means he was probably having sex with her the same time he was having sex with me. I chose not to tell him about H. I had asked him before what he would do if I did get pregnant (from the first time he slept with me) and he said that we'd raise it or get rid of it. Adoption wasn't even an option. It was my first thought when I read "pregnant" on the test. This was our conversation.
Me: "What would we do if I was pregnant?"
Him: "We'd raise it or get rid of it."
Me: "I would never abort!"
Him: "Then we'd raise it."
Me: "What if I don't want to raise it? We can't raise a baby."
Him: "Then I'd raise it."
Me: "You can't raise a baby on your own."
Him: "My mom would raise it."
Me: "What about adoption??"
Him: "No. I don't want someone else raising my baby!!"
That right there was exactly why I chose not to tell him. So I proceeded with my pregnancy, moved states, proceeded with adoption, and now H has a beautiful family and she is safe.
I wish he could know her. Deep in my heart I long for him to know her. I just can't risk H's safety, or her family's safety. I wonder sometimes if I've done the right thing. I can't say that I have... but I think I've done the best thing. To be honest though I do dread the day when she asks about him.
I'm glad I finally got that out there. I'm afraid of your judgements, but I need to heal from this and move forward so I can open my heart to someone new, someone worth it. So please, be kind.. Mistakes are made so we can learn from them. I definitely have.
Thursday, May 24, 2012
Tuesday, May 22, 2012
The Day Has Come
"One day, you'll wake up and it'll be hours, maybe even the whole day when you finally realize you haven't thought of her at all. And when that day comes, don't feel guilty! It's a sign of healing. It's okay." I can hear my mom saying that as if it were yesterday. It was actually a week or so after placement.
Well, today was that day. I didn't realize till just now 12:00 am May 22, 2012 that I didn't think of H at all yesterday. Do I feel guilty? Not exactly, but I do feel sad. I ask myself, "How can you not think of her?! That's your daughter." But then I tell myself, "Yes, she is my daughter, but she is also their daughter." And I realized why I didn't think about her yesterday. I am not her parent. My life does not revolve around her feedings, dirty diapers, trips to the store for more baby food, etc. My life revolves around work, taking care of my house, watching over my grandparents, and getting my body back in shape.
"It's okay." Yes, it is okay. I still love her just as much as when I first laid eyes on her beautiful face. So memo to myself... it's okay.
Well, today was that day. I didn't realize till just now 12:00 am May 22, 2012 that I didn't think of H at all yesterday. Do I feel guilty? Not exactly, but I do feel sad. I ask myself, "How can you not think of her?! That's your daughter." But then I tell myself, "Yes, she is my daughter, but she is also their daughter." And I realized why I didn't think about her yesterday. I am not her parent. My life does not revolve around her feedings, dirty diapers, trips to the store for more baby food, etc. My life revolves around work, taking care of my house, watching over my grandparents, and getting my body back in shape.
"It's okay." Yes, it is okay. I still love her just as much as when I first laid eyes on her beautiful face. So memo to myself... it's okay.
Monday, May 14, 2012
My 1st Mother's Day
For weeks I've been terrified for Mother's Day. Will I be okay? How will I handle the church sermon? Will anyone acknowledge me as a mother? The questions and worries just kept coming..
March 12th is Birth Mother's Day, which I have known about for a while now. But I didn't think anyone else knew about it. To my surprise my sister knew all about Birth Mother's Day (she does her research). I received an e-card from her this past week. It was a Birth Mother card. I watched it and cried. The tears weren't because I had given birth and chose someone else to parent my child and now I was empty handed; it was because someone remembered me..
Mother's Day weekend my sister came in town with my niece. My family was involved with a children's choir so we had performances all weekend. I just expected for everyone to focus on the children's choir and the stress surrounding that. To my surprised my mom and sisters planned a Birth Mother's Day dinner for me! They took me to my favorite restaurant and gave me cards and gifts. I also received a beautiful card from my grandparents (which was definitely unexpected). My sister got me a Willow Tree. I now have 2! My first one was from my mom. It's called "Remembrance". She bought me and H the same one and gave them to us at the hospital. The one I just got from my sister is called "Healing", which is very appropriate. I also received a gift from my best friend in the mail! She sent a card and a wall decoration; I'm very into interior design.
I never thought I'd receive so much love and support on a holiday not many people know about! Thanks to my sister I was comforted on what could have been one of the hardest days for me. Even Mother's Day was okay! I was so excited to give my mom and my sister their Mother's Day gifts I wasn't focused on myself. We had a lovely day today. My mom, of course, checking in on me asking me how I was doing and if I needed to talk. They were all so great!
To make today a little better than 'okay', I got an email from E! She wished me a happy Mother's Day.. how beautiful! I'm so overjoyed that we can have that kind of relationship and that she wants me in H's life. She told me that they had been praying for me today.. Me?! Not only did MY family remember me, but my daughter's family also remembered me! How blessed am I?!
I'm truly humbled and grateful. Instead of going to sleep crying tonight like I had thought I would weeks ago, I'll be smiling..
Happy 1st Mother's Day to me :)
ps: and Happy Mother's Day to all the mothers who read this! xoxo
March 12th is Birth Mother's Day, which I have known about for a while now. But I didn't think anyone else knew about it. To my surprise my sister knew all about Birth Mother's Day (she does her research). I received an e-card from her this past week. It was a Birth Mother card. I watched it and cried. The tears weren't because I had given birth and chose someone else to parent my child and now I was empty handed; it was because someone remembered me..
Mother's Day weekend my sister came in town with my niece. My family was involved with a children's choir so we had performances all weekend. I just expected for everyone to focus on the children's choir and the stress surrounding that. To my surprised my mom and sisters planned a Birth Mother's Day dinner for me! They took me to my favorite restaurant and gave me cards and gifts. I also received a beautiful card from my grandparents (which was definitely unexpected). My sister got me a Willow Tree. I now have 2! My first one was from my mom. It's called "Remembrance". She bought me and H the same one and gave them to us at the hospital. The one I just got from my sister is called "Healing", which is very appropriate. I also received a gift from my best friend in the mail! She sent a card and a wall decoration; I'm very into interior design.
I never thought I'd receive so much love and support on a holiday not many people know about! Thanks to my sister I was comforted on what could have been one of the hardest days for me. Even Mother's Day was okay! I was so excited to give my mom and my sister their Mother's Day gifts I wasn't focused on myself. We had a lovely day today. My mom, of course, checking in on me asking me how I was doing and if I needed to talk. They were all so great!
To make today a little better than 'okay', I got an email from E! She wished me a happy Mother's Day.. how beautiful! I'm so overjoyed that we can have that kind of relationship and that she wants me in H's life. She told me that they had been praying for me today.. Me?! Not only did MY family remember me, but my daughter's family also remembered me! How blessed am I?!
I'm truly humbled and grateful. Instead of going to sleep crying tonight like I had thought I would weeks ago, I'll be smiling..
Happy 1st Mother's Day to me :)
ps: and Happy Mother's Day to all the mothers who read this! xoxo
Monday, May 7, 2012
Just To See You Smile
I've realized that I have not followed through with my promise to share ALL things that are happening post placement. I tend to linger on the sad or confused parts. Partially because that's where I'm at, but everyday is not like that.
For example; yesterday was my brother's birthday, but we didn't celebrate with him till today. Many times today I smiled, even laughed! My sister and I picked out his birthday card this afternoon. One by one we giggled in the card aisle. After each card one of us said, "Okay, we have to go." but then we'd find another card that would make us laugh and recall memories. We settled on a card that was meant for a little girl. It read, "Hey little lady" on the outside; inside it said something about being a beautiful little girl. :) I wrote a little note inside still playing on the joke. I said how I thought he had grown up to be a special young woman and how I loved him. Below I wrote a real note. I told him happy birthday and that I love him very much. Then we all sang "Happy Birthday" in really obnoxious voices and very off key. :)
I just love watch people's faces when they read cards that I give them. And watching his face was priceless. He laughed at every line and it was great to see a smile on someone's face and know that it was me who put it there.
I find joy in making other people smile. One of my favorite things is to give others compliments. I don't have the most glamorous job; it's not glamorous at all! I work in a factory that gives me flexible hours which will be wondrous when school starts in the fall. I work with a variety of people, as you can imagine. College students, drug addicts, single parents, alcoholics, Christians, smokers, partiers, etc. I don't know many people there and rarely speak to them, unless I am approached. But twice this past week I've put a smile on someone's face. One lady was being bullied by some of the younger college kids. Long story short, she thinks she might be pregnant and someone took it upon themselves to start a rumor that she was lying about it and would come in to work saying she had a miscarriage. Why? Who really knows.. (dumb college kids). But I just told her what my mom has been telling me throughout this whole experience. You don't have to explain yourself to anyone. In return she said, "I knew I liked you. You must be religious." She smiled and then walked away. The second time was with an older gentleman who had helped me when I first started. We passed each other and I asked him a simple question, "Did you get your hair cut?" and he replied with a yes. I proceeded to tell him that I liked it and the biggest smile came across his face. Something so simple, yet so powerful. His smile made me forget what I have been going through. I felt happiness, because he radiated it!
So, you see my life isn't a big blur of sorrow or confusion or regret. Time to time I have glimpses of happiness that I receive from other people. Glimpses of hope that one day I can be truly happy. I hope that day comes soon, because I'm already fed up with crying. :)
For example; yesterday was my brother's birthday, but we didn't celebrate with him till today. Many times today I smiled, even laughed! My sister and I picked out his birthday card this afternoon. One by one we giggled in the card aisle. After each card one of us said, "Okay, we have to go." but then we'd find another card that would make us laugh and recall memories. We settled on a card that was meant for a little girl. It read, "Hey little lady" on the outside; inside it said something about being a beautiful little girl. :) I wrote a little note inside still playing on the joke. I said how I thought he had grown up to be a special young woman and how I loved him. Below I wrote a real note. I told him happy birthday and that I love him very much. Then we all sang "Happy Birthday" in really obnoxious voices and very off key. :)
I just love watch people's faces when they read cards that I give them. And watching his face was priceless. He laughed at every line and it was great to see a smile on someone's face and know that it was me who put it there.
I find joy in making other people smile. One of my favorite things is to give others compliments. I don't have the most glamorous job; it's not glamorous at all! I work in a factory that gives me flexible hours which will be wondrous when school starts in the fall. I work with a variety of people, as you can imagine. College students, drug addicts, single parents, alcoholics, Christians, smokers, partiers, etc. I don't know many people there and rarely speak to them, unless I am approached. But twice this past week I've put a smile on someone's face. One lady was being bullied by some of the younger college kids. Long story short, she thinks she might be pregnant and someone took it upon themselves to start a rumor that she was lying about it and would come in to work saying she had a miscarriage. Why? Who really knows.. (dumb college kids). But I just told her what my mom has been telling me throughout this whole experience. You don't have to explain yourself to anyone. In return she said, "I knew I liked you. You must be religious." She smiled and then walked away. The second time was with an older gentleman who had helped me when I first started. We passed each other and I asked him a simple question, "Did you get your hair cut?" and he replied with a yes. I proceeded to tell him that I liked it and the biggest smile came across his face. Something so simple, yet so powerful. His smile made me forget what I have been going through. I felt happiness, because he radiated it!
So, you see my life isn't a big blur of sorrow or confusion or regret. Time to time I have glimpses of happiness that I receive from other people. Glimpses of hope that one day I can be truly happy. I hope that day comes soon, because I'm already fed up with crying. :)
Sunday, May 6, 2012
The Never-ending Emotional Rollercoaster
There's no doubt that adoption has its ups and downs. And not just for the birthparents and family, but also for the adoptive parents and family. I know in my adoption experience I've been on a never-ending emotional rollercoaster..
Have you ever ridden "The Incredible Hulk" at Universal's Islands of Adventure? It shoots you out of the Gamma Tube at 40 mph in approximately two seconds. Then it goes into a zero-g roll and down a 105 ft drop, and into a cobra roll. Doesn't that sound exciting? It is! It's one of my favorite rollercoasters. But it's not so exciting when those are your emotions flailing about. Today has been an "Incredible Hulk" kind of day.
I woke up, bound and determined to have a great Saturday! So, I shot myself out of bed and mowed the lawn. Quickly got cleaned up and put together for the day, then headed off to see The Avengers with my mom. After that I headed straight to my babysitting job. I was on the go the rest of the night with a 3 year old boy and an 8 month old boy. After I got home it was like my rollercoaster finally came off the high peak of a loop-de-loop... and I crashed. I had that feeling of nervousness in the pit of my stomach. It always happens when I want to talk to my mom about something but am too afraid. Then, I saw a package from my adoption agency on the counter. I flipped through the pages and saw it was my adoption agreement papers. Reading them brought tears to my eyes. I was at a low on my rollercoaster.
I'm at the point now where I feel like I'm an intruder in my daughter's life. Because I now view her as B and E's daughter, I feel like I'm a bother to them. Why should I be asking such personal questions about H when she is their daughter? I'm also struggling with how to talk with B and E. I love them and I'm so grateful that I was allowed to have a visit with them last weekend, but now I don't know how to talk to them. I want so badly to be open and honest with them; to tell them about my feelings, but I don't know what the boundaries are for that type of communication. I never want them to feel bad, because of the way I'm feeling.
After our meeting I sent them an email saying how happy I was to see not just H but them as well! I also said how thankful I was and how lucky I am to have them in my life. I reassured them again how I think they are amazing parents and how glad I am that I chose them to parent H. They emailed back saying how thankful they are that I chose them and that they were able to meet with my family and I. Also how they are excited to see God work in my life and that they love me. Their email has been sitting in my inbox for 5 days now.. I have no idea what to say. I don't want to be insincere, but I also don't know how to share what I'm feeling without overstepping boundaries..
I will never doubt that adoptive parents struggle after finalization. But I don't think I'm wrong when I say that birthmoms (birth parents) struggle that much harder. I walk on eggshells, and I don't want to anymore..
Have you ever ridden "The Incredible Hulk" at Universal's Islands of Adventure? It shoots you out of the Gamma Tube at 40 mph in approximately two seconds. Then it goes into a zero-g roll and down a 105 ft drop, and into a cobra roll. Doesn't that sound exciting? It is! It's one of my favorite rollercoasters. But it's not so exciting when those are your emotions flailing about. Today has been an "Incredible Hulk" kind of day.
I woke up, bound and determined to have a great Saturday! So, I shot myself out of bed and mowed the lawn. Quickly got cleaned up and put together for the day, then headed off to see The Avengers with my mom. After that I headed straight to my babysitting job. I was on the go the rest of the night with a 3 year old boy and an 8 month old boy. After I got home it was like my rollercoaster finally came off the high peak of a loop-de-loop... and I crashed. I had that feeling of nervousness in the pit of my stomach. It always happens when I want to talk to my mom about something but am too afraid. Then, I saw a package from my adoption agency on the counter. I flipped through the pages and saw it was my adoption agreement papers. Reading them brought tears to my eyes. I was at a low on my rollercoaster.
I'm at the point now where I feel like I'm an intruder in my daughter's life. Because I now view her as B and E's daughter, I feel like I'm a bother to them. Why should I be asking such personal questions about H when she is their daughter? I'm also struggling with how to talk with B and E. I love them and I'm so grateful that I was allowed to have a visit with them last weekend, but now I don't know how to talk to them. I want so badly to be open and honest with them; to tell them about my feelings, but I don't know what the boundaries are for that type of communication. I never want them to feel bad, because of the way I'm feeling.
After our meeting I sent them an email saying how happy I was to see not just H but them as well! I also said how thankful I was and how lucky I am to have them in my life. I reassured them again how I think they are amazing parents and how glad I am that I chose them to parent H. They emailed back saying how thankful they are that I chose them and that they were able to meet with my family and I. Also how they are excited to see God work in my life and that they love me. Their email has been sitting in my inbox for 5 days now.. I have no idea what to say. I don't want to be insincere, but I also don't know how to share what I'm feeling without overstepping boundaries..
I will never doubt that adoptive parents struggle after finalization. But I don't think I'm wrong when I say that birthmoms (birth parents) struggle that much harder. I walk on eggshells, and I don't want to anymore..
Saturday, May 5, 2012
Gave Up
I hate it when people say "Oh, she gave you up for adoption." It might just be how I approached adoption in the first place, or just common sense.
Those words are very negative to a birthmom. I did not give my daughter up or just give her away. It was a very hard, emotional process to choose if adoption was the best choice. In my heart I knew it was, but in my selfishness I wanted her to myself.
When people say that birhtmom's just give their children away it gives them a certain reputation of not wanting them. Giving up = unwanted. And this is not true! Of course there are exception to the rule in everything, but I feel like I can speak for every birthmother when I say we wanted our children! But we also took the time to rationally think about the future. We wanted what was best for our children more than what we wanted ourselves. Personally, I would have been a great mother. I could have loved H and given her everything that I was able to provide. But H deserved more than what I could just provide. She deserves a mom AND a dad, financial stability, an abundance of toys on her birthday, family vacations, an amazing education, etc. H and I would have been able to get by, but she wouldn't have anything that she has now if I would have been too selfish and had chosen to parent.
So, if you've never thought about it, think about it now. Instead of saying "..gave up her baby." how about you re-word and say "..released her baby." or maybe "..relinquished her baby." Does it mean the same thing? Yes. But "gave up" has such a bad connotation and it doesn't do us birthmom's any justice. So, please think twice before you speak. Because if any other birthmom is anything like me, they'll cringe when they hear that they "gave up" their baby.
Those words are very negative to a birthmom. I did not give my daughter up or just give her away. It was a very hard, emotional process to choose if adoption was the best choice. In my heart I knew it was, but in my selfishness I wanted her to myself.
When people say that birhtmom's just give their children away it gives them a certain reputation of not wanting them. Giving up = unwanted. And this is not true! Of course there are exception to the rule in everything, but I feel like I can speak for every birthmother when I say we wanted our children! But we also took the time to rationally think about the future. We wanted what was best for our children more than what we wanted ourselves. Personally, I would have been a great mother. I could have loved H and given her everything that I was able to provide. But H deserved more than what I could just provide. She deserves a mom AND a dad, financial stability, an abundance of toys on her birthday, family vacations, an amazing education, etc. H and I would have been able to get by, but she wouldn't have anything that she has now if I would have been too selfish and had chosen to parent.
So, if you've never thought about it, think about it now. Instead of saying "..gave up her baby." how about you re-word and say "..released her baby." or maybe "..relinquished her baby." Does it mean the same thing? Yes. But "gave up" has such a bad connotation and it doesn't do us birthmom's any justice. So, please think twice before you speak. Because if any other birthmom is anything like me, they'll cringe when they hear that they "gave up" their baby.
I saw her..
I saw her..
She is so beautiful. She weighs 14 pounds now.
Her mom took her out of her carseat and called me over with a huge smile on her face. My heart felt like it could beat out of my chest. Then I saw her.. a smile on her face, her beautiful smooth skin, big, brown eyes, and there was that little girl I held 5 months ago. She was 5 lbs 7 oz then, but inside this 14 lb miracle was my tiny little baby I had been waiting to see for what seemed like forever. There she was.. and all I could do was hold her tight and cry. It was the most surreal moment.
I was able to feed her. She is so serious about feeding time. She's just started to try and hold her own bottle, and once she was finished she pushed the bottle away from her face. I was able to dry her tears. She cried a little and I was able to wipe away her tears. I felt like a mother in that moment. I was able to hear her laugh! My sister tickled her and the most beautiful, precious laughter came out of that tiny baby girl. She has the most gorgeous grin. I was able to rock her to sleep. Just like in the hospital H slept on my chest curled up like a little frog. Memories flooded back and brought tears to my eyes. I remember those days in the hospital as if they were yesterday..
Throughout the meeting H was passed from person to person. She met my siblings and her niece. We took lots of pictures. My mom and I spent our time talking with B and E. They explained to us about their move to our state and why they didn't tell me when it was decided. I left with a better feeling about the situation, and was reassured of my decision of choosing B and E as H's parents.
But there's one thing I'm still afraid to come to terms with.. Before the meeting H still felt like MY daughter... but after the meeting she felt like THEIR daughter. I don't know H. I don't know her mannerisms, her likes, her dislikes, her favorite toy, her schedule, her anything! I struggle with realizing that I'll never be H's mom. Maybe this is a step forward in healing.. I honestly don't know. But I'm just so happy that I saw her..
She is so beautiful. She weighs 14 pounds now.
Her mom took her out of her carseat and called me over with a huge smile on her face. My heart felt like it could beat out of my chest. Then I saw her.. a smile on her face, her beautiful smooth skin, big, brown eyes, and there was that little girl I held 5 months ago. She was 5 lbs 7 oz then, but inside this 14 lb miracle was my tiny little baby I had been waiting to see for what seemed like forever. There she was.. and all I could do was hold her tight and cry. It was the most surreal moment.
I was able to feed her. She is so serious about feeding time. She's just started to try and hold her own bottle, and once she was finished she pushed the bottle away from her face. I was able to dry her tears. She cried a little and I was able to wipe away her tears. I felt like a mother in that moment. I was able to hear her laugh! My sister tickled her and the most beautiful, precious laughter came out of that tiny baby girl. She has the most gorgeous grin. I was able to rock her to sleep. Just like in the hospital H slept on my chest curled up like a little frog. Memories flooded back and brought tears to my eyes. I remember those days in the hospital as if they were yesterday..
Throughout the meeting H was passed from person to person. She met my siblings and her niece. We took lots of pictures. My mom and I spent our time talking with B and E. They explained to us about their move to our state and why they didn't tell me when it was decided. I left with a better feeling about the situation, and was reassured of my decision of choosing B and E as H's parents.
But there's one thing I'm still afraid to come to terms with.. Before the meeting H still felt like MY daughter... but after the meeting she felt like THEIR daughter. I don't know H. I don't know her mannerisms, her likes, her dislikes, her favorite toy, her schedule, her anything! I struggle with realizing that I'll never be H's mom. Maybe this is a step forward in healing.. I honestly don't know. But I'm just so happy that I saw her..
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