The Never-ending Emotional Rollercoaster

There's no doubt that adoption has its ups and downs. And not just for the birthparents and family, but also for the adoptive parents and family. I know in my adoption experience I've been on a never-ending emotional rollercoaster..

Have you ever ridden "The Incredible Hulk" at Universal's Islands of Adventure? It shoots you out of the Gamma Tube at 40 mph in approximately two seconds. Then it goes into a zero-g roll and down a 105 ft drop, and into a cobra roll. Doesn't that sound exciting? It is! It's one of my favorite rollercoasters. But it's not so exciting when those are your emotions flailing about. Today has been an "Incredible Hulk" kind of day.

I woke up, bound and determined to have a great Saturday! So, I shot myself out of bed and mowed the lawn. Quickly got cleaned up and put together for the day, then headed off to see The Avengers with my mom. After that I headed straight to my babysitting job. I was on the go the rest of the night with a 3 year old boy and an 8 month old boy. After I got home it was like my rollercoaster finally came off the high peak of a loop-de-loop... and I crashed. I had that feeling of nervousness in the pit of my stomach. It always happens when I want to talk to my mom about something but am too afraid. Then, I saw a package from my adoption agency on the counter. I flipped through the pages and saw it was my adoption agreement papers. Reading them brought tears to my eyes. I was at a low on my rollercoaster.

I'm at the point now where I feel like I'm an intruder in my daughter's life. Because I now view her as B and E's daughter, I feel like I'm a bother to them. Why should I be asking such personal questions about H when she is their daughter? I'm also struggling with how to talk with B and E. I love them and I'm so grateful that I was allowed to have a visit with them last weekend, but now I don't know how to talk to them. I want so badly to be open and honest with them; to tell them about my feelings, but I don't know what the boundaries are for that type of communication. I never want them to feel bad, because of the way I'm feeling.

After our meeting I sent them an email saying how happy I was to see not just H but them as well! I also said how thankful I was and how lucky I am to have them in my life. I reassured them again how I think they are amazing parents and how glad I am that I chose them to parent H. They emailed back saying how thankful they are that I chose them and that they were able to meet with my family and I. Also how they are excited to see God work in my life and that they love me. Their email has been sitting in my inbox for 5 days now.. I have no idea what to say. I don't want to be insincere, but I also don't know how to share what I'm feeling without overstepping boundaries..

I will never doubt that adoptive parents struggle after finalization. But I don't think I'm wrong when I say that birthmoms (birth parents) struggle that much harder. I walk on eggshells, and I don't want to anymore..