The Untold Story

I honestly feel like the only way to move on is to talk about things. So here I am, being open and honest. Bearing my soul and putting myself out there to be judged.. (yikes!)

I was always a good girl. I had great friends, I did great in school, I was active in my church, etc. Looking back now I think I can say that the pressures of high school got to me. It was my senior year and I had never done anything really bad. I had had 1 boyfriend my sophomore year, but that was like nothing compared to what I would be doing my senior year. I was still a virgin and had always said I would save myself for my husband. I strongly believed that premarital sex was wrong. Little did I know my life would take a complete turn just 3 short months after I received my purity ring on my 18th birthday.

February 13, 2011 I lost my virginity to a guy I didn't even know. He was 24. I also found out he had 3 other children, never married. I say 'lost' because that's exactly what happened. I could even say it was stolen from me. Was it rape? To a certain extent yes! I said no, I asked him to stop. He didn't. It was so painful and I was so scared and confused. I didn't know how it had even happened. Then, poof.. it was over and he got off. I just laid there thinking "I'm not a virgin anymore.." "How the heck am I going to tell my mother?" "Do I tell my mom?!" "What if I get pregnant?" "He didn't use a condom!!" "I could have an STD!" I remember it like it was yesterday, I had said out loud, "I was a virgin." and He said "Well you aren't anymore." I remember picking my things up and leaving; and being in so much pain. Then I had to walk through my front door and pass my mom in the living room and act like nothing had just happened. I never told her. That was my first mistake.

It was maybe a half hour later when he called me and asked if I was okay. I guess I was shocked that he even cared about my 'well-being'. I said yes, even though inside I was dying. The next day I was so scared that I went and got a Plan B pill. I never told him about that. Then, February 21 I started my period and I was the happiest girl ever! I told him and he of course said "I told you so." This next part many of you will hate me for. This was mistake number two..

For whatever reason, I can't even say why, I slept with him again. Sure I could blame it on the fact that my father left our family and that I was searching to be loved by a man, that I had already lost my virginity so what did it matter if I had sex again, etc.. In the 2 weeks we saw each other we had sex 4 times, only once was protected. That would be mistake number 3. After the last time we had sex I was feeling really scared about not using protection so I went and bought the Plan B pill again. I wouldn't find out till March that I was already pregnant when I took the pill.

The last time we had sex was the last time I had talked to him. He left me, I guess you could say. I was 3 months pregnant by the time he contacted me again. I found out that he was seeing another girl, which means he was probably having sex with her the same time he was having sex with me. I chose not to tell him about H. I had asked him before what he would do if I did get pregnant (from the first time he slept with me) and he said that we'd raise it or get rid of it. Adoption wasn't even an option. It was my first thought when I read "pregnant" on the test. This was our conversation.

Me: "What would we do if I was pregnant?"
Him: "We'd raise it or get rid of it."
Me: "I would never abort!"
Him: "Then we'd raise it."
Me: "What if I don't want to raise it? We can't raise a baby."
Him: "Then I'd raise it."
Me: "You can't raise a baby on your own."
Him: "My mom would raise it."
Me: "What about adoption??"
Him: "No. I don't want someone else raising my baby!!"

That right there was exactly why I chose not to tell him. So I proceeded with my pregnancy, moved states, proceeded with adoption, and now H has a beautiful family and she is safe.

I wish he could know her. Deep in my heart I long for him to know her. I just can't risk H's safety, or her family's safety. I wonder sometimes if I've done the right thing. I can't say that I have... but I think I've done the best thing. To be honest though I do dread the day when she asks about him.

I'm glad I finally got that out there. I'm afraid of your judgements, but I need to heal from this and move forward so I can open my heart to someone new, someone worth it. So please, be kind.. Mistakes are made so we can learn from them. I definitely have.