Play The Game

You guys know my back story now. I don't have the best track record with guys. There has been tons of games that guys have played with me in the past..well I wasn't exactly aware of the games until they were over and I was the loser. 

Now there's this guy. He's nice, funny, sweet, caring, blah blah blah. I'm comfortable when I'm around him and He seems to like me. It's so hard to tell when I haven't really interacted with a guy in over a year. Sometimes he's up and down. One day he'll talk to me like I'm the only person there, the next he's not even smiling at me when we pass. Is he playing some kind of game?

I will never understand this "game" business. Why can't two people who are attracted to each other, not just physically, but emotionally connect and get to know each other for who they are? There doesn't have to be a game. I shouldn't have to second guess myself on my feelings or try to make myself more appealing. I know that the right guy will like me for who I am. But I have a hard time not thinking this is my fault.. 

How can someone like me when I can't be completely honest with them? I will never be able to share about H with just anyone. I will have to completely trust them, and I don't do that easily. So, is he wishy washy because he feels that I'm not being open? Or is he just a craphead? 

This dating thing is hard... and I don't feel like it has to be. And maybe I'm making it all up in my head that he even likes me. Ugh! How do I jump back into to the dating scene when I don't even know how to handle all these games? Where are the gentlemen? The ones I can take home to mama? The woes of a girl..

Girl Talk

This is for all you ladies. I'm sure you can relate!

So It's that time of the month. Ugh, I know! I'm just an emotional wreck. My whole family was out for dinner the other night. I spaced off for a bit and did realize my Grandma was in the middle of a story. I then started to ask my sister a question and my Aunt snapped at me and called me rude. I kind of jerked back in surprise and just put my head in my hands. I wanted to cry so badly, but I just held it in. I hate crying in front of people.

Tonight, my niece choked on a chip and I about busted out crying. I was so scared, her face got so red and I was all the way across the table. He dad was sitting next to her and quickly got her out of the high chair. I sat there and choked back my own tears.

Now, I'm sitting here in bed and my emotions just overwhelmed me. I feel like I could sit here and cry for hours. So many hormones, so many emotions. I just need some chocolate trinity ice cream from Publix. We don't have a Publix here... :(

Ps: I blame this all on Eve. Grr.

The Ball's In My Court Now

So, my PC called the other day with news about my request for more communication. I was a little nervous. I always think the worst so I figured she'd say something along the lines of "No way, I won't ask them that." or "They are freaked out and you're out of luck, Chuck." To my surprise her news wasn't bad at all!

My agency has a new head person now and so my PC asked her what we should do to request more information; should they ask B and E, should I ask them, should it be an email, is it even plausible, etc.. The lady (I can't remember her name for the life of me) said that I should be the one to bring it up to B and E. If I'm ever going to have a relationship with them, at some point the agency needs to back out a little and let our relationship grow.  I'm not so down with that though.. I wouldn't know the first thing to say to them or how to bring it up and not completely freak them out. Luckily, my PC said she would write an email, then send it to me and I could use it if I wanted.. just to get the ball rolling.

I let my PC know this but I haven't said it on here yet.. I'm not so sure in my decision to ask for more communication. This is where I need you guys. Adoptive mothers, birth mothers, someone to help me through this decision phase. I want to be in her life, I want to have more visits, I want to have more mail updates, but is it the best thing? H's adoption is a secret. No one knows that she even exists where I live. I just don't want to look back even a year from now and regret not being involved in her life more. She's only a baby for a short amount of time. Part of me wants to see her and know as much as I can about her, then the other part doesn't want to be a bother to their family structure and doesn't want to hold myself back from facing my future.

I'm starting college in the fall.. how am I supposed to keep such a huge secret from the people I'll be with 24/7; when at home I talk about H and B&E often! H is my laptop background, she's on my phone, she's in my car! But is it safe for me to have a more open relationship with them when I'll be in that environment?? I just don't want to put her at risk (her birth dad can't know about her or I just know he'll do something horrible...).

What do you all think? I would really love your feedback. If you need more info on the subject just ask and I'll do my best to fill you in... I just can't make such a huge, really life altering decision right now. I need your insight.

Eyes Wide Open: Corrections and Misleadings

I finally told my mom about this happening and she brought something to my attention that I felt like I needed to let you all know and to, in a way, correct myself.

Our God is a just God, but He is also a loving God. When I say that I heard Him say that I was supposed to be the one to mother H, I don't mean that in a bad way. I feel like He was saying, "Hey, I gave you H, but it's okay that you chose adoption. B and E are building a great life for her and I am with them every step of the way."

My mom was saying that God would never tell me something that would make me hurt. I, honestly, don't believe that. I don't feel like He would say something in a malicious way to rip me off my path. But reality hurts! Am I wrong?? I felt like He was being real with me by saying that she was given to me. I was chosen by God to be her mom. Which I was. In my state, I chose differently. I'm not saying it was a bad choice or a wrong choice; and I'm not saying He said it was the wrong choice either.

H is where she belongs as of now. If I had chosen to parent then she would be where she belonged then. Each path has it's own story. I see life as many paths. The way it turns out just depends on which one of those destined paths you will take. God knows our ending and knows which path we will eventually decide on. It's us who have to make those decisions, hoping.. praying they are the right ones.

Let me end this post with a quote I found to be encouraging.

"Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending." - Maria Robinson

Shame

I still carry a lot of shame. It hits me usually when I hear anything about teen pregnancy or song lyrics such as these..

Big and Rich "That's Why I Pray": Babies having babies ’cause their parents are always gone
Shania Twian "I Ain't Going Down": I had a baby at fifteen, daddy never did forgive me. I never heard from the guy again
The Isaacs "Why": Why are there children having babies when so many couples try everything and can't

I was told by my aunt when I was pregnant to never be ashamed. To hold my head high as a mother. And yet I still feel those same feelings of shame I felt months ago. I hope someday that I won't feel ashamed anymore. It may be because I hid my pregnancy and no one here in my hometown even knows about H, but that's the choice I made to keep her safe. So I guess shame is a part of that when you hold such a big secret deep down, feeling like everyone stares at you and talks about you behind your back..

Eyes Wide Open

Have you heard the song "God Gave Me You"? It originally was played on Christian radio but then Blake Shelton made a County cover and it spread like wildfire. It's such a beautiful song and it wasn't until today when I fully realized what it meant to me. Let me explain..

I was sent into the hospital 7 months ago because H wasn't growing anymore. I went in on a Monday to be induced. I labored for over 50 hours when they finally told me I had to have a c-section. I was terrified, but I knew to get H out safely it would have to happen. I was told in my birthing class that if your doctors talk about anything BUT your surgery it's going well. As I intently listened to their conversation I realized they were playing Country music in the background. I'm a big Country music fan, so I didn't mind. About 15 minutes into the c-section H was finally born! At exactly 9:59 pm the most beautiful little baby girl was born, weighing 5 pounds 7 ounces and she was 18 inches long. As I laid there I could hear Blake Shelton singing in the background, "God gave me you for the ups and downs. God gave me you for the days of doubt. And for when I think I lost my way there are no words here left to say, it's true. God gave me you." 

It wasn't until today when God completely opened my eyes to see the plan he had for me. Even now I'm still in shock of how I couldn't know this 7 months ago. At work, this song came on the radio. I listened as I usually do and sang along, this time it was different though. It was like God was speaking the words into my soul and it was almost like I could hear his voice (keep in mind that I've heard this song many times in the last 7 months and have never experienced what I did today). What I heard was someone or something saying, "I wanted you to raise her. You could have done it." I couldn't contain myself, standing there in the aisle alone, and I just cried. Never once has anyone told me that. I'm probably not even doing the situation justice. It wasn't me telling myself that, it was something else. 

God has spoken to me before through song lyrics and it was so profound and obvious. The voice, the feeling, it was all the same. What kills me the most is that I can't do anything about it now. H was made for me. I was supposed to be her mother. I chose differently though, and I can honestly say I wasn't really asking God to show me what I was supposed to do. I was asking for strength to make the decision of adoption. Of course in the hospital I was looking for someone to tell me that I could back out, that I could be a great mother. But I've never been the kind of person to let someone down. Even now I know that I couldn't have gotten B and E's hopes up and then rip the idea of adopting H right out of their hands. Just like now, I can't bare the thought of how much they would hurt if they ever knew this. They are wonderful parents and will provide so much for H in so many ways. Even though I know now that I was supposed to be the one to raise H, no matter the trials, I wouldn't want H to be with anyone else. They are her perfect adoptive parents. Since she can't be with me now, I'm so glad she can be with them. 

My heart aches for H. Especially now, knowing that I could have done this, knowing I would have made it.... we would have made it. 

Ode to Worry

Sometimes I get too nervous or scared to talk to another person about what's going on in my head. I don't know why, because my family is so receptive. Maybe it's because they just don't know. They don't know how to comfort me. They don't know what I'm feeling or what I'm going through. Maybe that's why I like sharing with you, because most of you can relate to adoption in one way or another.

It's only been a couple days, but I've been having doubts. Doubts that I didn't choose the right family. Doubts that I picked the wrong life for H. Doubts that I'll ever get to see her again. Doubts that B and E will hold up their end of the adoption. Pretty much doubts about everything adoption related. Along with doubting where I am in my life. Am I where I'm supposed to be? Am I at the right job? Am I making the right friends? I'm a class A worry wart.

I was reading my devotional Jesus Calling the other day and it spoke directly to me; which it usually does. Every day I find it to be relative to something that is going on in my life or in that exact day. God is good. It said, "My children tend to accept worry as an inescapable fact of life. However, worry is a form of unbelief; it is the anathema to Me." And then it goes on to say, "Who is in charge of your life? If it is you, then you have good reason to worry. If it is I, then worry is both unnecessary and counterproductive."

Wow. That one hit me like a rock on my head! Why should I worry about ALL those things? If God didn't want me where I am then I wouldn't have been led to my job, I wouldn't have gotten hired. If God didn't want H to be with B and E, then she wouldn't be there (that one is still hard for me). I have that page bookmarked so that I can go back and remind myself "worry is a form of unbelief" and "If it is I, then worry is both unnecessary and counterproductive."

I came across a blog post on the blog Forward Progress. At the end it says this, "God will give you more than you can handle. And when He does, our choice is relatively simple: we can despair, or we can turn our eyes on the truth of the gospel, that God makes up for what we lack. That His strength is perfected in weakness. That God helps those who cannot help themselves."

This speaks so loudly to me. In my pregnancy and adoption I had way more than I could handle. There were times when I just wanted it all to stop, for life to just slow down so I could take a moment to breathe. It was in those moments that I realized this.. God has given me more than I can physically, mentally, and spiritually handle, but because he did I had to focus on him that much more. This verse has helped me through all these trials. "I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." John 16:33

So I guess where this leaves me is that even though I still worry, I understand that God still has his plan. I realize that worrying doesn't help the situation and I understand that I need to put my problems in God's hands. It's just getting to the place where I'm consistently trusting God fully in everything he throws my way that is the tough part.

If anyone else has the same troubles it'd be great to know that I'm not alone. God still knocks me upside the head a couple times, but I do try my best to not make life worse on myself. But wouldn't it just be easier if God shared his plans???

Sometime you just need a break!

So, it's been about two weeks since my last post. With good reason! My bestfriend and I went on a little  vacation together! :)

She flew in from Cali and we drove down to Nashville, Tennessee for the CMA music festival! It was a blast! We saw so many performances and ate so much food. We walked a ton, all over Nashville and made the best memories. It only lasted 4 days, but those 4 days were heaven. Being able to get away from life and just let loose and enjoy was exactly what the doctor ordered. It was so great to be able to spend quality time with her. We rarely get to see each other because we live so far away. This time in Nashville was like a practice round for living together. We both want to get an apartment after we finish college and live in the south. She's always wanted to be a southern bell :)

I'll cherish those moments forever. It was just an amazing time. Oh, and we're already planning for next year!

Ps: if  you love some country music you may want to look into it! You won't regret it! Here's the website:  country.cmaworld.com/cma-music-festival

More communication?

Every adoption is different. Mine happens to be a semi-open adoption. I receive letters with pictures at 1, 2, 3, 6, 9, 12 months and then every year on H's birthday till she's 18, and then I am allowed 3 visits in the first 2 years (I believe). At the time when I agreed to this I was still pregnant. I wasn't sure how I'd feel after H was born and the adoption was final. My agency even told me that we could work on things after if I felt different about them, and they assured me I would feel different.

Well, they're right. For months now, approximately 6 months I've wanted to change my adoption agreement. Unfortunately, the state that my adoption was made in does not count these communication agreements as legal, it is just verbal. So, at any time the adoptive party could decide not to follow through with their part and the birth family could not do a thing about it. Now, the agency would try anything in their power to talk things out with the adoptive party, but nothing is guaranteed.

So, yesterday I talked with my pregnancy counselor and vocalized my thoughts. This is what I asked for:

-Upon the agreed letters with pictures I would like another set halfway between her birthdays. So every 6 months I would like an update in the mail.
-3 visits a year. Our first visit went so well, and maybe lasted 3 hours; so that would mean I would be able to see them at least 9 hours a year. I don't want 2 more visits for the next 18 years. I would like to see my daughter in person and watch as she grows into a beautiful young woman. Not see her when she is 10 and feel like a complete stranger.

I don't think this is unreasonable. I've done my research. Most adoptions include 2-6 visits a year! I can't even imagine 6 visits! I'm only asking for 3. The commute is only an hour and a half. They wouldn't even have to drive to meet me where I live. If it means that I'd have to go halfway across the world to see H then I would; so of course I will drive the hour and a half 3 times a year to see her beautiful face. I would be able to be a part of her life, but not intrude on their family.

I'm not asking to change the status of the adoption either. I don't want their phone numbers or home address. I don't want to see them every weekend. I don't want to barge in on their family all of a sudden. I just want to be there in her life. I want to see her in person. I want to see her first tooth. I want to watch her take a step. I want to hear her make animal noises. I want to hear her say my name! I want to see her drawings from school. I want to watch her ride a bike. I want to read her a book. I want to swing with her. I want to hear about her first crush. I want to know her dreams and wishes. I want to see her graduate. I want to watch her fall in love. I want to be at her wedding. I want to be there, for everything. But I can't. So, I at least want the chance to be there 3 times out of the whole year; at least 9 hours out of the 8,765.81277 hours they get her to themselves. It's really not much.. but it's what I want, and what I feel I deserve and need.

If any of your are praying people I would truly love some prayer put behind this. My pregnancy counselor said she would speak with them in 2 weeks about this matter... So, pray if you will! I know I will be. But don't pray that I get what I want, pray that what ever is best will happen; that God's Will be done. Thank you.