So, my PC called the other day with news about my request for more communication. I was a little nervous. I always think the worst so I figured she'd say something along the lines of "No way, I won't ask them that." or "They are freaked out and you're out of luck, Chuck." To my surprise her news wasn't bad at all!
My agency has a new head person now and so my PC asked her what we should do to request more information; should they ask B and E, should I ask them, should it be an email, is it even plausible, etc.. The lady (I can't remember her name for the life of me) said that I should be the one to bring it up to B and E. If I'm ever going to have a relationship with them, at some point the agency needs to back out a little and let our relationship grow. I'm not so down with that though.. I wouldn't know the first thing to say to them or how to bring it up and not completely freak them out. Luckily, my PC said she would write an email, then send it to me and I could use it if I wanted.. just to get the ball rolling.
I let my PC know this but I haven't said it on here yet.. I'm not so sure in my decision to ask for more communication. This is where I need you guys. Adoptive mothers, birth mothers, someone to help me through this decision phase. I want to be in her life, I want to have more visits, I want to have more mail updates, but is it the best thing? H's adoption is a secret. No one knows that she even exists where I live. I just don't want to look back even a year from now and regret not being involved in her life more. She's only a baby for a short amount of time. Part of me wants to see her and know as much as I can about her, then the other part doesn't want to be a bother to their family structure and doesn't want to hold myself back from facing my future.
I'm starting college in the fall.. how am I supposed to keep such a huge secret from the people I'll be with 24/7; when at home I talk about H and B&E often! H is my laptop background, she's on my phone, she's in my car! But is it safe for me to have a more open relationship with them when I'll be in that environment?? I just don't want to put her at risk (her birth dad can't know about her or I just know he'll do something horrible...).
What do you all think? I would really love your feedback. If you need more info on the subject just ask and I'll do my best to fill you in... I just can't make such a huge, really life altering decision right now. I need your insight.
As an adoptive mama we love love LOVE hearing from our babies ( 2 of them ) birth mothers! It makes my heart so happy and I know it brings them a lot of peace...for both of them though they went from wanting initially ZERO contact to lots of contact and now I'd say its semi open by their choice. We're FB friends they have access to all pictures and what not , we text email chat whatever and we basically leave the door open on days they are ready and days they are not thats fine too...You mentioned not being sure so I don't know if I would mention anything to B&E if your not sure yourself yet. Also is the adoption final in the courts? Your obviously worried about her birth dad finding out so if that is a real possibilty I would make sure its to a point he can't do anything because you obviously would never want to put H ( or B&E ) through that. How open are B&E with you? Does birthdad live near you or your college where he could possibly hear word of mouth from others? I do also feel the agency could at least bring it up to them so they dont maybe feel like your sprung it on them. That way they can prepare their answer....Dont know if any of this helped but hopefully :) I ove reading your blog so honest and raw and beautiful...your more amazing than you will ever know
ReplyDeleteThe adoption is final. The only problem with the birth dad is that I never informed him of my pregnancy. He has a year from finalization (which was in March) to undo the adoption, or at least try. I did H's adoption in a different state than the one I conceived in so he would have to go through a lot of steps to reach her, but it is possible. He would have to go to the county the adoption was final in and present a law suit saying that he is the father and that he didn't know about the adoption and whatnot.
DeleteI don't know where he is now. I stopped contact with him more than a year ago and I haven't tried to look for him. He could still be around town, but I've been back for 4 months and haven't seen him (thank God).
B and E are open to a certain extant, they are guarded, but open. When we first met they had said they were in favor of an open adoption, I chose otherwise.
I know for a fact I won't be presenting my request for more communication any time soon, but I know I'm not comfortable with updates on just her birthday and 1 or 2 more visits.
Thank you so much for your input and your kind words. You really don't know how much it means to me :)
I pretty much agree with what Just Believing said.
ReplyDeleteIf the adoption has been finalized then don't worry so much about her birth father. He can't do anything legally if his rights were terminated and the adoption is finalized.
I think that asking for more contact is good. B & E seem to be open to having a relationship with you and now that they live closer it would be easier to have more contact. Your agency is right, if you're going to have a relationship with them they will have to back off but they don't need to back off yet. So enlisting their help on this is a good thing. I think they should help get the ball rolling, even if it's through a conference call with all of you to discuss it. You might be surprised, B & E might be thrilled to have more contact with you.
Ask for what you want or you will regret it later.
You asked if it's safe for you to have a more open relationship with them in the college environment. I don't quite understand your concern but at some point you're going to start telling people about H. And about her adoptive parents.
Don't doubt yourself. You want what's best for H and it's a good thing for her to have contact with you as she grows up.
My concern about it being safe is that no one knows about H in my town, except my family. The reason why I and my family decided to keep it under wraps was so that I could come back to this town and not be judged daily and have a chance at a "normal" college experience without carrying a bad reputation along with me.
DeleteI want so badly to be able to talk about H with everyone in the world! I'm proud of her, she's so amazing, and beautiful, and just perfect in every way. I just don't want people to judge her for my mistake. Plus, the whole birth dad thing. I can't quite say anything (to be safe) until next April.
I agree with Debbie, that you need to ask for what you want. The adoptive parents might be very open to more communication and visits but maybe it's not something they would bring up on their own.
ReplyDeleteWe have a lot of contact with our daughter's birthmom and we're so glad. It's the best thing for our daughter.
I think using the agency to help you with the email is a good start. Hopefully talking about what kind of a relationship you're hoping for will evolve from there.
Thanks so much for your thoughts and encouragement. It's so nice to hear from adoptive moms! It scares me, thinking of asking for more, because I don't want to be turned down and if I am turned down then I don't know how that would effect our relationship. So it's a big game change either way. I guess I'm just really insecure. I don't want to lose the contact I have to the most precious thing in my life, H.
DeleteI'm going to answer this from the standpoint of an adoptive mom that's in a situation REALLY similar except that our daughter's birthmother has chosen not to meet us. However...she graduated from high school three months after she gave birth, and she went to college last fall (2010).
ReplyDeleteI think it's GREAT that you want more contact. I say that because it IS best for your daughter. Will it be hard? YES...on you...on them...but NOT for her.
Here are my fears as an adoptive mom...that K will always wonder why her birthmom didn't want anyone to know about her. That she will wonder why she wants pictures and updates of HER, but she doesn't get any pictures or updates, much less visits, from her birthmother. That she will feel like her birthmother didn't care enough about her to want to know her child's adoptive parents...to make sure they were good people (she told the agency to choose someone...we fit her criteria). That she will think her birthmom thinks she isn't important enough to know...
It is very difficult to know what K's birthmom does with her updates...but being in college, I don't know if she has told anyone about K or not. Does the birthfather go to the same college? I know that here, the agency had to put his name on a paternal registry list for 2 years even though his rights were terminated, and if he had checked that, he could have taken legal action because he was never informed of the pregnancy...but that is in TN. I don't know where you are. However, I would NOT let that stop YOU from having more contact. Just something to find out privacy-wise.
All that to say...pray on it, as I will, until you feel like you have some clear direction, and then definitely make your requests known. You won't be sorry. As long as boundaries are in place (and I'm hoping that this family had some counsel to become approved about the benefit of birth families and their involvement), I'm willing to bet that the couple you chose will be happy to work with your needs. After all, you gave them a family! Praying.
The birth father is 25 now, I think, and I don't know where he is. I went ahead with the adoption with an unknown birth father. So, there isn't any record of anything about him on the adoption. I could have served him, but I just felt it was too risky. He also could have checked the registry or stated that he had sex with me and he could possibly be the father. He didn't of course.
DeleteI've bathed this in prayer so much! I'm not sure about the counseling, but our families have clicked and they really like my family.
Thanks so much for your insight! It really, really does help!
From the perspective of the child of an open adoption:
ReplyDeleteThe worst thing you could ever do is not have contact. I grew up always knowing who my birth mother was, what my family history was biologically, and that I had 3 sets of grandparents that loved me, not just two. Throughout my life, being able to tell people about my adoption has made me proud because mothers who keep up with their child through 17 years is rare. I have half siblings now who call me "big sissy". I remember being the flower girl at her wedding, attending her college graduation, and holding my baby half sister for the first time. My adopted brother has not been so lucky in his contact and has been miserable because of it. I cannot imagine having to live with the idea of a birth mother not wanting to even put forth an effort to see how her child turns out, which it sounds like you would not like that option at all. Your friends, should they be true friends, will be fine with the fact that you chose adoption as the best route for a child, they should hold that against you. They have nieces and nephews whom occupy their backgrounds and phones and cars, too, yet they are not raising them. Believe me, if you do not keep up the communication, the situation could easily become worse than mere judgement. Although discretion is up to the parents, your willingness to be a part of H's life is all they could ask for. Keep up faith and hopefully you will be blessed with a wonderful relationship with both H and B&E.
Emi
I don't know what I would do if I have zero contact with B and E. That's one of the reasons why I hesitate to ask for more, because I don't want what I at least have now to be taken from me. I can't even imagine.
DeleteMy dream is for her to be able to be at my college graduation, in my wedding someday, around my family, etc. I just don't want to make a bad choice and then never be able to have that in the future. Pretty much I'm terrified of the future, and future possibilities.
About friends, as of now I don't really have any or any that I trust enough to share my deepest secret with. I have my best friend who I went to nashville with and she's known about H from the beginning. She sends things to B and E, and H through the mail. They love her as if she was my family as well.
It is so great hearing from your perspective. Makes me wonder what H will be like when she's older and what she'll think of me.
With everything that you are saying about how they have responded to you so far, and the fact that they WANTED the relationship more open from the beginning, I wouldn't be surprised if they are praying for a change of heart for you...that you will want more contact! What's better...to never try so to never be let down, or to try and have the possibility of so many of these dreams of yours coming true? Dream big! God's got this!:)
ReplyDeleteThanks :)
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