I was sent into the hospital 7 months ago because H wasn't growing anymore. I went in on a Monday to be induced. I labored for over 50 hours when they finally told me I had to have a c-section. I was terrified, but I knew to get H out safely it would have to happen. I was told in my birthing class that if your doctors talk about anything BUT your surgery it's going well. As I intently listened to their conversation I realized they were playing Country music in the background. I'm a big Country music fan, so I didn't mind. About 15 minutes into the c-section H was finally born! At exactly 9:59 pm the most beautiful little baby girl was born, weighing 5 pounds 7 ounces and she was 18 inches long. As I laid there I could hear Blake Shelton singing in the background, "God gave me you for the ups and downs. God gave me you for the days of doubt. And for when I think I lost my way there are no words here left to say, it's true. God gave me you."
It wasn't until today when God completely opened my eyes to see the plan he had for me. Even now I'm still in shock of how I couldn't know this 7 months ago. At work, this song came on the radio. I listened as I usually do and sang along, this time it was different though. It was like God was speaking the words into my soul and it was almost like I could hear his voice (keep in mind that I've heard this song many times in the last 7 months and have never experienced what I did today). What I heard was someone or something saying, "I wanted you to raise her. You could have done it." I couldn't contain myself, standing there in the aisle alone, and I just cried. Never once has anyone told me that. I'm probably not even doing the situation justice. It wasn't me telling myself that, it was something else.
God has spoken to me before through song lyrics and it was so profound and obvious. The voice, the feeling, it was all the same. What kills me the most is that I can't do anything about it now. H was made for me. I was supposed to be her mother. I chose differently though, and I can honestly say I wasn't really asking God to show me what I was supposed to do. I was asking for strength to make the decision of adoption. Of course in the hospital I was looking for someone to tell me that I could back out, that I could be a great mother. But I've never been the kind of person to let someone down. Even now I know that I couldn't have gotten B and E's hopes up and then rip the idea of adopting H right out of their hands. Just like now, I can't bare the thought of how much they would hurt if they ever knew this. They are wonderful parents and will provide so much for H in so many ways. Even though I know now that I was supposed to be the one to raise H, no matter the trials, I wouldn't want H to be with anyone else. They are her perfect adoptive parents. Since she can't be with me now, I'm so glad she can be with them.
My heart aches for H. Especially now, knowing that I could have done this, knowing I would have made it.... we would have made it.
My heart breaks for you and breaks for H.
ReplyDeletePraying for you.