Ode to Worry

Sometimes I get too nervous or scared to talk to another person about what's going on in my head. I don't know why, because my family is so receptive. Maybe it's because they just don't know. They don't know how to comfort me. They don't know what I'm feeling or what I'm going through. Maybe that's why I like sharing with you, because most of you can relate to adoption in one way or another.

It's only been a couple days, but I've been having doubts. Doubts that I didn't choose the right family. Doubts that I picked the wrong life for H. Doubts that I'll ever get to see her again. Doubts that B and E will hold up their end of the adoption. Pretty much doubts about everything adoption related. Along with doubting where I am in my life. Am I where I'm supposed to be? Am I at the right job? Am I making the right friends? I'm a class A worry wart.

I was reading my devotional Jesus Calling the other day and it spoke directly to me; which it usually does. Every day I find it to be relative to something that is going on in my life or in that exact day. God is good. It said, "My children tend to accept worry as an inescapable fact of life. However, worry is a form of unbelief; it is the anathema to Me." And then it goes on to say, "Who is in charge of your life? If it is you, then you have good reason to worry. If it is I, then worry is both unnecessary and counterproductive."

Wow. That one hit me like a rock on my head! Why should I worry about ALL those things? If God didn't want me where I am then I wouldn't have been led to my job, I wouldn't have gotten hired. If God didn't want H to be with B and E, then she wouldn't be there (that one is still hard for me). I have that page bookmarked so that I can go back and remind myself "worry is a form of unbelief" and "If it is I, then worry is both unnecessary and counterproductive."

I came across a blog post on the blog Forward Progress. At the end it says this, "God will give you more than you can handle. And when He does, our choice is relatively simple: we can despair, or we can turn our eyes on the truth of the gospel, that God makes up for what we lack. That His strength is perfected in weakness. That God helps those who cannot help themselves."

This speaks so loudly to me. In my pregnancy and adoption I had way more than I could handle. There were times when I just wanted it all to stop, for life to just slow down so I could take a moment to breathe. It was in those moments that I realized this.. God has given me more than I can physically, mentally, and spiritually handle, but because he did I had to focus on him that much more. This verse has helped me through all these trials. "I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." John 16:33

So I guess where this leaves me is that even though I still worry, I understand that God still has his plan. I realize that worrying doesn't help the situation and I understand that I need to put my problems in God's hands. It's just getting to the place where I'm consistently trusting God fully in everything he throws my way that is the tough part.

If anyone else has the same troubles it'd be great to know that I'm not alone. God still knocks me upside the head a couple times, but I do try my best to not make life worse on myself. But wouldn't it just be easier if God shared his plans???