I finally told my mom about this happening and she brought something to my attention that I felt like I needed to let you all know and to, in a way, correct myself.
Our God is a just God, but He is also a loving God. When I say that I heard Him say that I was supposed to be the one to mother H, I don't mean that in a bad way. I feel like He was saying, "Hey, I gave you H, but it's okay that you chose adoption. B and E are building a great life for her and I am with them every step of the way."
My mom was saying that God would never tell me something that would make me hurt. I, honestly, don't believe that. I don't feel like He would say something in a malicious way to rip me off my path. But reality hurts! Am I wrong?? I felt like He was being real with me by saying that she was given to me. I was chosen by God to be her mom. Which I was. In my state, I chose differently. I'm not saying it was a bad choice or a wrong choice; and I'm not saying He said it was the wrong choice either.
H is where she belongs as of now. If I had chosen to parent then she would be where she belonged then. Each path has it's own story. I see life as many paths. The way it turns out just depends on which one of those destined paths you will take. God knows our ending and knows which path we will eventually decide on. It's us who have to make those decisions, hoping.. praying they are the right ones.
Let me end this post with a quote I found to be encouraging.
"Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending." - Maria Robinson
I am so impressed with your honesty, especially on these past few posts I've just read. Another thought...God could be putting this in your mind for the future...letting you know that you WILL be able to parent one day...you have so much ahead of you! Also, I know from experience that in times of grief, sometimes the voices we hear and think are God can actually be other sources...after all, Satan even used Scripture to try to mess with Jesus' head when He was in the desert for 40 days! As you said, God doesn't stand over us and condemn us...there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ. You are absolutely right...you can't change the past, but you can change the future! And that is what God sees...He doesn't live in the past like we do. He sees the plans He has for you, and they are full of hope (Jeremiah 33:3). Huge hug to you tonight ~ and remember, you are in God's arms!(Deuteronomy 33:27)
ReplyDeleteThat's what my mom told me too. And deep in my heart I truly feel like it was God. I know there is a good chance that I was being deceived, but it just doesn't feel like it was Satan. Thanks so much for your encouragement! Thank you, thank you, thank you!
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