A Season of Remembrance

I've found this Holiday season to be one of remembering the past. For Christians this Holiday season is about remembering the birth of our Savior. It is also a time to remember the past year(s). These past two Christmases have been so vastly different than the other 18 that I've had.

When you have a child you no longer think about yourself nonstop; everything revolves around what is best for them (whether or not you decided to parent). Last Christmas I only thought about H and what she was doing for her first Christmas. I thought about the traditions her family might be doing, what Santa might have brought her, or if she was really fitting into their family (it would have only been a month and a week after placement). This Christmas I thought about H. If she got my presents in time, if she loved unwrapping her gifts, if she had a yummy Christmas breakfast, etc. But this Christmas I didn't worry about H. I smiled at the thought of her laughter when she opened her gifts and the joy when she experienced her siblings happiness and excitement.

I'm happy at where I am now and H is happy too. This season of remembrance has been healthy and healing for me. Being able to see where H and I started to where we are now is truly inspiring and heart warming. Someday I hope we can look back at our journeys together.

Keepsakes

There has been something on my mind these last few days. Since my latest visit with H and her family I've been thinking about how much she has grown and I have replayed the visit in my mind many times. She is so loved. As a mother that means so much to me, to know that my daughter is loved and cared for. Her brothers and sister love her so much and are so involved in her life. B & E adore her. I could tell by the way they would look at her and the way she relied on them. Even thought H is 13 months she loves. The look in her eye when she walked over to E and hugged her was love. H loves her parents and loves her siblings. I couldn't be happier with the family I chose for H.

Even though H is an hour and a half away from me, I'm at peace with it. There aren't any questions in my mind that she's being taken care of. She is clearly loved and cherished. Not only does her family that she lives with cherish and love her, but my family, H's birth family, cherishes and loves her. We don't have the chance, or as many chances, to see that look of love in her eyes or give that look of love to her; but we do show our love by keeping pictures and videos of H around. I have a keepsake box that has everything of H's from the hospital in it: birth certificate, blankets, hats, socks, umbilical clamp, hair brush, stickers, and the flower that was given to me from B & E after I delivered H.

I also have a box that I keep all of H's pictures in from the hospital and from every update B & E send. I'm currently waiting for H's 1-year update pictures.

I think it is a great idea to have a keepsake box for your child. Mine is already so full, so when I start receiving drawings or crafts (here's to wishing I do!) then I will have to get a bigger box to put everything in. It has been so helpful in my process of grieving and recovery. I love looking through all of H's hospital stuff. Also, being able to look at all her pictures has been amazing. I've been able to watch her grow through pictures and videos. Something a lot of people don't understand is that having pictures that you can touch are a lot different than having picture on a computer screen, and they are more meaningful. Holding H's picture, to me, makes her feel a lot closer and more real than seeing her picture on my computer screen.

Something else I have done is buy a Christmas ornament for H and I. I buy 2 of the same one so that every year she can remember me and I can remember her. Last year I bought one that is a sea shell that says, "Always remembered. Always in our hearts." This year I bought a sand dollar that says, "The ones we love never truly leave us." Each have the date on them. I didn't want to get a "Baby's 1st Christmas" ornament because I was sure someone from B & E's family would. I plan to do this every year, that way H and I have our own Christmas tradition. For this Christmas I also bought a recordable book. I had wanted to last Christmas, but they are so expensive. I had wanted to get the book "I'll Love You Forever", it is one of my favorites from my childhood. Unfortunately they did not have that one this year, so I decided to get the book "Wherever You Are My Love Will Find You". I had never heard of it, but I believe it was a complete God find. The book was perfect. I recorded it and sent it in the mail along with other gifts from my family to theirs.

All of these little things are just that: things. But they hold a deeper meaning that I hope will last all our lives.

Milestone

A year ago yesterday I placed my daughter for adoption. It was the hardest decision I have ever made, and probably will ever make, in my life. I can remember it as if it were just yesterday...

I had chosen to spend three days with my precious baby. H was delivered via c-section at 9:15 Wednesday November 16th, 2011 weighing 5 lbs 7 oz (such a tiny little beauty!!). I spent the rest of that evening in bed, the nurses said I'd be numb for another 24 hrs at least. I was very upset that I ended up having a c-section, because I wanted to do everything for H while I could; feed her, change her, bathe her, etc. I was so drained after the c-section and still shaking from the medicine they gave me. They said I lost a lot of blood, and looking back at the pictures I can tell because I was so pale and sick looking. I remember lying in the hospital bed trying to keep my eyes open to watch H's every move. I didn't want to miss anything that was going on; I wanted to savor every second I had with her. We gave the "okay" for visitors to come in and B & E were the first ones to enter. To my surprise they came straight to me, didn't even look at H. E has had 3 c-sections so she knew what I was going through. They came in and hugged me and asked if I was okay. They even asked permission to see H. I, of course, said yes and they were able to see her in the warmer. I had a couple more visitors after B & E. I was so exhausted though, my Aunt had asked everyone to leave so I could have time with H. The first night was hard, because I was so worn out and it was H's first night and we didn't know how it would go. I was bed bound, so my mom had to do a lot of the work. She changed her diapers, got her bottle ready, but gave me the bottle and H so I could feed her, and she rocked H to sleep and put her back in her crib. I was very sad I couldn't do that, because I so badly wanted to.

The next day seemed to come so fast. I was very determined to get out of bed that day, and I did. I was up and walking around way before the 24 hour period the nurses talked about. They said they had never seen anyone up and walking that soon after a c-section. I was bound and determined to be H's mother for the next 2 full days, doing everything I could for her. She was such a sweet little baby! She didn't cry much, only when she was hungry or had a dirty diaper. There were many pictures taken during our hospital stay. I love looking through them and seeing how much H has changed! It's truly amazing, especially looking at her now (1 year and 6 days) and comparing her to her pictures as a newborn. B & E visited on both Thursday the 17th and Friday the 18th. Friday was my 19th birthday. Having H with me on my birthday was the greatest gift ever. Being able to spend time with her and cherish every moment was the only thing I needed and wanted. My PC was there on my birthday too, she brought my favorite cake from the Cheesecake Factory. My mom and Aunt were there as well. They brought birthday gifts from my family and friends. I received many white roses that day, because they are my favorite.

I'll never forget the night of my birthday though... I was sitting on the bed holding H oh so tightly, crying. My mom was sitting in front of me, both of us knowing what tomorrow would bring. I remember looking at my mom, so desperate for her to say anything to stop me from going through with the adoption. I loved H so much and she loved H so much. I knew that she would help me take care of her and provide for her somehow, but she never said anything. I sat there and cried for hours, never letting go of H. My mom knew exactly what was going on in my head and her heart was breaking for me. We've had many talks about that night and I've even told her about how I wanted her to save me from making that decision and her response was "I didn't know you wanted me to save you..." with tears streaming down her face.

Saturday, November 19, 2011 I woke up with H in my arms with a very heavy heart. H got her pictures taken by the hospital photographer, lying in my leopard print bathrobe (the pictures are to die for!!!) and had to have a car seat check because she was so small. I spent a good hour to an hour and a half apart from H while she was in the car seat check. That hour was so hard. I was already empty handed and all I wanted was to hold her for as long as I could. During that time I got dressed for the placement ceremony I wanted to have. H came back from the car seat check and by then it was time to sign the relinquishment papers. With H in my arms I read through the papers, still searching for anyone to stop me. Sobbing, I signed my name on the papers. My brother, mom, aunt, and pastor and his wife, and my PC were in the room while I was signing and there wasn't a dry eye.

Another hour past and it was time for the ceremony. My pastor led the ceremony in the hospital's chapel. On the left side of the room sat my family and on the other side sat B & E. Pastor dedicated H to the Lord (in the same dedication dress I was dedicated in when I was a baby) and I promised to pray for H and B & E daily and to always love H. I had asked my brother to play a song during the ceremony. While H was being delivered the song "God Gave Me You" came on the radio in the OR. I had him play that song before I relinquished H to B & E. As the song ended pastor said it was now time to hand H to B & E. My family then surrounded me with a big hug, all of us crying. My brother started praying over me and H and I couldn't hear anything. I was so focused on holding H one last time. I remember sitting there thinking to myself "You have to let her go. Get up. Go over to E, hand H over. You need to get up!" I literally had to talk myself into it, because no one else was telling me it was time to give her to B & E. I have never cried so hard in my life and still haven't to this day. After I got up to give H to B & E, I gave each a hug and told them to take good care of her and that I loved them and I loved her. I think they stood there for a while, but I had already turned around and fell into my mom's arms. I wasn't sobbing anymore, I was more than sobbing. It was a tremendous flow of tears and almost screams. It was the worst pain I had ever felt. It was as if my heart had been ripped out of my chest. I can't even explain how painful that moment was; knowing I'd never see her as she was then ever again, knowing she would be going home with someone else and not me, knowing she would never know me as mom, knowing that the next day I would wake up and she wouldn't be there..

A year later I can still feel the pain. It was painful just to write that out and relive that moment I haven't thought about for months. It is truly earth shattering to think through this last year. H is so big and healthy and beautiful. She has touched so many people's lives in just her first year of life! Think about all the other people she will touch the rest of her life! I am beyond proud of her and I love her more than words can say. A year ago today I was so deep in sadness and loneliness, I never thought I would smile or laugh again. But I've seen H twice since placement day and those two moments have been my happiest in this past year. H is definitely something special! I am so thankful for these hard milestones, because that means H is alive and healthy, making an impact on this world and fulfilling the plan God has for my little honeybee.

Happy Birthday!

Well, B & E have a 1 year old on their hands now, along with a 6, 5, and almost 4 year old! My mom now has a 20 year old! Happy Birthday to me today!

It was H's birthday on Friday. I skipped out on my last class as my mom and sister and I drove to meet up with B & E. They brought all 4 children to this meeting. It took us a little over an hour to get the agency where we had our meeting. It didn't really hit me until we pulled in the parking lot that I was about to see H for the second time after placement. Wow, was I nervous! I began to shake uncontrollably as I wrote in her birthday card. I never know how to sign the cards I send her. The first one I sent I think I signed it "mommy". I haven't signed it like that since. This last one I said (my name), birthmom. I want to her know who I am and how I'm related to her. I don't want to just sign my name like a friend of the family would. I am H's birthmom and I intend for her to know that all the days of her life.

So, I signed the card and gathered all the presents together. The 3 of us started heading in and my mom just had to ask the one question I couldn't stand being asked at the moment. I was walking trying to stop shaking and holding back tears and she asks, "How are you feeling?" Ahh, mom?! I said with tears now streaming down my face and starting to sob, "You can't ask me that right now!" She quickly apologized and shut up. We walked into the agency and told them why we were there and they brought us back to the room they set aside for us. B & E hadn't arrived yet, which I was kind of upset about. They live in that town and we had to drive over an hour to get there, but we were the first ones at the agency.. Oh well. It did give me time to chill out though, take a few breaths, use the restroom and get myself under control before H got there.

A couple minutes later they arrived. E and her 3 kids walked in first and then B with the car seat second. E came right up to me and hugged me so tightly. I stood impatiently waiting to see H. She was asleep in the car seat.. I stole a couple peeks at her while E was talking to me. B got H out and she woke up, didn't cry or anything, just looked around the room. She was so big! This little baby I remember from April was no longer a little baby! She was 1 and so beautiful. B & E informed me that she could now walk. They said she took her first steps last week and already she was motoring around. I was able to see her walk a couple times, but for the most part she was in my arms throughout the 2 hour visit.

H had light brown tight curls that were so precious. Her lips are identical to mine and her laugh is heart melting. She adored my mom, who goes by Gommie to her grandchildren. H sat on Gommie's lap so content and smiling, looking up at her with a big grin on her face. H loved my sister too. She knows exactly what to do to make H laugh. She's always been good at finding her tickle spots! I was able to hold H while we opened up her birthday presents from my family. She loved the toys we all got her. I was so thrilled when she squealed with joy at the gift I got her. When I was little I had the magnetic kissing Nala and Simba Lion King stuffed animals and I found a new version of them a couple months ago. I knew I had to get them for her birthday! She LOVED it! I helped her unwrap it and she gave Simba the biggest hug! It was amazing to see.

I wish I could explain every detail of our visit, but that would take forever. It was so fulfilling to see H play with her siblings, and see how much they adore her. B & E's daughter LC showered H with kisses and their son J received H with open arms when she walked to him. H crawled all over their second son C and he just laughed at her and patted her back. They all love her so much. It was so great to be able to see their interaction, it really made my heart happy. I also saw the love in H's eyes toward B & E. She glows when E is holding her. It makes me feel so comforted to know H is happy and taken care of.

Reflecting back on our meeting made me realize how whole I feel when I'm with H. Every moment spent away from her is never satisfying, even if a day goes by and I don't cry or I laugh a lot, it is still unsatisfying. But when I am with H I feel whole, my heart is whole. She is the missing piece of my heart when she's away. But this visit has given me hope for the future, knowing she is loved and she is happy. H is a very lucky girl and a very loved little piece of heaven. I am so proud to be her birthmom. I love her so, so much.

Another Visit

I've never been the type of person to just lay all my problems out on the table. I tend to keep emotions pent up inside me until there is no room left. Unfortunately, that ends with lots of tears and bloodshot eyes. I think I'm getting to that blow up stage again.

Since I'm at school 24/7 I have no one to talk to about H and I'm forced to keep my thoughts about her and the adoption to myself. When the really hard times hit I'm usually in class or in my dorm room (with my roommate) and I have to deny what I am feeling at that moment, because I can't make it obvious something is wrong. If I do people will ask questions. And if they ask questions I'll have to lie. I don't want to lie. Although, it feels like I'm living a lie. I have this precious joy that's growing older by the minute, learning new things about this massive world and all its wonders, and no one knows. I've heard people talk about pregnant teenagers around campus and in classes it has been brought up. In those moments I freeze as if everyone is staring at me, condemning me because I was/am a teen mom. Granted I was graduated from high school and a few days shy of being 19 when I gave birth to H. It's so hard not to think everyone is judging me, even though they know nothing about me and about H and what these last 2 years have been for us.

Even writing to you now if feels as if I'm on high alert. I'm sitting in my dorm room with my roommate on the other side of the wall. Anyone could come and look at my computer screen and see what I am writing. It's frightening at times. I've chosen secretiveness for H's safety from her birthfather and this horrid town. I guess I never realized how hard it is to keep such a big secret and what kind of weight that is to carry.

All that weight has been holding me down and I feel as though there is an anvil on both my shoulders. Everywhere I go I wonder if someone is going to mention the anvils. Sure there are times when they seem lighter, but overall it comes back to that dark place where I feel so low and worthless. I felt that way tonight when I got another email from B and E.

Recently they ask me if I wanted to have a visit (off record) with them and H close to our birthdays (next month). Of course I said yes. I was so overjoyed! I think you'll all understand how much that means to me. I replied right away and it was weeks till I got another email from them. It talked about dates that we could meet and I replied with dates that worked well for me, but mentioned that I'd be more than willing to work around their schedule to see them. During this time I was in conversation with my PC asking if she had heard anything from them about the first email I sent about more visitation and communication. She had sent an email saying that I took the initiative and put myself out there to ask for more and that they should at least acknowledge my email. They said that they had received it and were praying about it, but never mentioned anything about sending an email back to me. Well, today I got another email from B and E stating that they were trying to schedule a time with the local agency for our visitation. This kind of threw me for a loop.

For our last visit we didn't have an agency member with us. It was my family and them and H. It went great! But this time they want the agency there. This scares me. My first thoughts were, "Maybe they are wanting to close the adoption. Maybe I asked too much too soon." I'm a Negative Nelly, so that's common for me. My mom, on the other hand, was more positive about it and said, "It's a good thing they initiated this visit. Maybe having the agency there will be a good mediator, if they are wanting to talk about more visitation and communication in person." It could honestly go both ways. I really don't know what they are looking for or willing to accept anymore. I just feel like I'm walking on eggshells. Sure wish God would show me his plan.

Forgiveness for the Past

I don't usually check my mailbox here at school. It's in the student center which is far from my dorm and I'm, most of the time, way too lazy to walk over there for something so simple. I happened to be passing through last night so I said what the heck and check my mailbox. I had SO many things! 3 card/letters and a couple flyers. I looked through the flyers and weeding them out. Then I opened the paper letter that was folded up and had my name on it. It was a letter from the girl who used to be my best friend in high school. The girl who then proceeded to stab me in the back after she and I found out I was pregnant by telling everyone. Oh, and then dating my ex-boyfriend.

I knew it was from her right away because that handwriting will forever be stuck in my brain. We wrote many notes back and for to each other. We had a whole notebook! I was so afraid to start reading the letter. She goes to school here as well and is a sophomore. The first time I saw her on campus pretty much ran the other way. The second time it was basically a sneak attack. An old friend waved me down and I was in a hurry so I didn't see who he was sitting with, as I looked over to say hi I realized it was her. I didn't have time to think about what to do or what to say. I just talked to him and left. Receiving this letter was been the scariest moment here at school so far. What would it say? Would it be something like, "I know your secret and I'm going to make sure I tell the whole school by the end of the year." or "I told (birthdad) about H and now he's on the hunt for you." or maybe "I secretly poisoned your coffee and you're doing to die!!!!" Alright, I knew it wasn't going to be something like the last one, but honestly you never know!

Instead of all those crazy thoughts about what it could have said, I read it and was speechless. She was apologizing and asking me for forgiveness. She said the Lord spoke to her heart. Even now it gives me chills thinking about it. Here's the letter:

"As you may or may not know, tonight's service was over forgiveness. I want to say right off the bat that I have already forgiven you. But that is not at all why I'm writing. I'm writing to ask for your forgiveness. God has placed on my heat the conviction of what I did to you and our friendship. I am and will forever regret the way our senior year and relationship ended. I don't feel the need to specifically address thew wrong doings because I know that broth you and I know what I have done and what you probably feel resentment toward. I don't expect you to write me back nor change the way you interact with me. I just want you to experience the freedom of forgiveness, if you have not already. I genuinely hope that God has blessed your life and will continue to do so. Also, I genuinely believe the He is going to do amazing thing with and through you, again I'm so sorry."

My first reaction was, "What did you need to forgive me for? I didn't do anything to you!" Which in a way I still feel that way. I've thought about it long and hard and can't come up with anything that I did toward the end of our friendship that would need forgiving. Then, I felt anger. How could she even have the audacity to say this after what she did to me. I wish I could say I felt peace, but I didn't. I'm still very angry with her and very upset. That is my child she has potentially put in danger. I don't take that lightly. What if I would have miscarried? How awful would she have felt then? Part of me can't wait till she becomes a mother to understand how I feel. So she can ultimately feel how horrid the things she did were.

But, I need to be thankful. This is one step toward healing. God is working people! God is working.

Just a little update

I know I haven't posted in almost a month. College has started and this being my freshman year everything is so new and super busy! The first weekend it was nonstop. They had us up early and running around everywhere. Very stressful, and very exhausting! I'm almost done with my 2nd week of classes, so things are starting to feel more normal. I've got a routine down now, so I should be able to post more than I have been.

So, I should probably catch you up on things. I sort of left you with a cliff hanger...

I sent that email (the one I posted 2 posts ago) and I haven't received any form of communication back yet. Not even a simple, H is doing great! So glad to hear from you. We will give this a lot of prayer and time. Blah, blah, blah... Not a single word. Which of course scares the crap out of me. I always second guess myself, and I'm so terrified of rejection. My PC will be looking into this sometime soon hopefully. Although I wish she would have looked into it sooner.

Also, H is officially 9 months old going on 10 (wow that's crazy to say!). B&E also didn't send the 9 month update on time. Not like they sent any of the others on their exact date either.... But finally after the agency contacted them for it, they sent it via email. I then received it via email as well from the agency. They sent many pictures and a beautiful letter. E is such a great writer. H says "dada" and E says it's the cutest thing! They also said H loves cinnamon rolls and crescent rolls. It's a little ironic because I CRAVED cinnamon rolls and pretty much any type of bread! They also said that she growls on command! :) how cute?!?! When I was younger I used to pretend I was a dog. I'd bark and growl and sometimes lick and bite people. H also looks so much more like me. She is absolutely gorgeous; perfect skin, perfect hair (tons!), and perfect smile. (reading through that it makes me seem really conceited, haha, but I swear I'm not! She just looks a lot more like me than her birthdad.)

It's been tough, going through the motions of school and no longer being around the people who know what my story is and know about H. Part of me just wants to spill the big secret because it is such a heavy burden on my shoulders when I run into the people I used to know. Just hold on until next March, I tell myself. After that her birthdad can't do anything to her. I probably won't tell the public for many years to come... but man is this burden hard to carry.

Well, thank you so much for all your prayers and all your kindness. I keep reminding myself that God does turn ashes into beauty, and being able to read all of your stories and speak of mine anonymously, really, really helps. It shines a light that could only be shown through God's love. I really am grateful to have readers like you. Thank you!

Today sucks.

Tonight I found out H's birthdad's girlfriend is pregnant. The same girl he was seeing while he was seeing me. Then my mom took me to see The Odd Life of Timothy Green. A story about adoption. Today sucks.

9 MONTHS OLD!!!

I finally sent the email. It's been 9 months! How crazy?? I don't think I'll ever picture H as anything but a baby! I haven't received the 9 month mail update yet (they aren't too great about sending it to get to me on time...) but I just know she's going to look so big! I try and look back to how my niece was when she was 9 months. I can't picture H that way! That's my baby, not my almost toddler. 

So, here's the email I sent. I tweaked a couple things and added what felt right. I believe this email describes what I feel. I'm a little nervous to get a reply... I'm not good with rejection. Well, here you go!

 "Hi guys! Happy 9 months to ALL of you! What a beautiful family :) I've loved so much seeing H grow and thrive in your family! She is so well adjusted and it's abundantly clear how much she is loved by you guys. Getting the pictures and letters through email and the mail has been so reaffirming to me that I made a good decision to place her with you guys. You truly are great parents to H!

I loved our visit in April so much and it brought me so much joy and clarity on my decision. It was so apparent that you guys were her mom and dad, that was a realization that I needed then in order to really have some peace with my decision. Thank you for giving me that opportunity! It's hard to think that there is only one more agreed upon visit between us. It would be amazing to know her, to watch her grow, and to be involved in a more tangible way than just pictures and letters. How would you guys feel about the possibility of having more visits? I know this is something that is outside of our communication agreement and that it is something that needs to be mutually agreed upon and always in the best interest of H, but I thought I would mention my interest and see where you guys stood on the subject. Please, take your time, think, and pray on it. I've had this email saved in my drafts for a while, praying hard over it. I truly feel we've been given something special.


Thank you for everything you do. You're such an amazing family."

Remembering the Past

I'm a Pinterest-aholic! I love looking at all the different boards and everyone's creativity! I often end up jealous that everyone is so much more proactive and creative, haha!

Today, I was looking on the tattoo boards. Since I've gave birth to H I have come up with some ideas for a tattoo. I know I want to get one in honor of H. First I thought of her birth date on my left wrist. Then I thought of the Egyptian symbol for life, an ankh, with H's birth date in roman numerals on my left rib cage (close to my heart). Well, I think I've finally found the one I truly want!

I think I've told you that I gave birth via c-section. Obviously I have a scar down there. I came across a quote that says, "Our scars remind us that the past is real." It totally sums up everything I felt after the adoption was final.

On finalization day I came up from the hospital feeling so empty. I was in pain from the c-section and in pain from leaving H with B and E. Leaving the hospital without a baby was so embarrassing. The nurses wheeled me out and my family helped me in the car. I was sobbing, which I know made the nurses uncomfortable. Usually this is a happy thing for them. They send well wishes to the new family, but with me they had no words. I remember getting back to the house and thinking, "Did that just happen?" It all seemed like a dream. I no longer had a pregnant belly, there wasn't a baby kicking or hiccuping inside me. It was like the past year had never happened. If it weren't for the pain of the c-section I don't think I would have grasped reality.

This quote means a lot to me now. Because of my c-section scar I can always remember that H is real and that our time together was real. So, I've decided to get the quote tattooed either above or below my c-section scar. It's something that won't be shared with the whole world, but will be between me and H. How lucky I am to be her first mother.

Bad Day :(

Yesterday was just the worst. It was H's 8 month and it was a hard one for me. 4 more months and she'll be a year old! I can't even believe it's been 8 months since I gave birth. Some days it feels like yesterday, other days it feels like it never really happened. I knew today was going to be hard right when I woke up. I had decided to go for a run to try and shake things off. It was such a great relief to be out there on my own, just running. I felt like I was running from everything that's happening in my life. Running from work, from the people I'm always around, from the adoption, from confrontation, from fear of the future, from my family, etc.. Then I got home. I knew I needed to respond to B&E's email they sent 2 weeks ago, and what better day to respond than H's 8 month.

For weeks now I've been holding in all my feelings. I've been trying to keep busy, I've had a party every weekend with tons of people over. I just don't want to confront my feelings. I haven't talked to my mom about anything in so long. I'm working till late at night and she's asleep by the time I get home. We rarely see each other except on the weekends. Before yesterday, I couldn't even tell you the last time I cried.

As I sat there and wrote my email to B&E i just cried and cried. My email wasn't sad or anything, but just the build up of feelings over such a long period of time got to me. It wasn't long either. They had told me how H is doing, what they had been up to for the past couple weeks, etc. H is now babbling and saying "dada" but it doesn't mean Daddy just yet. She's also "crawling", they say she scoots backwards. What I would give just to see a video...

Even at work I had a hard time. I thought being with others would get things off my mind. I haven't felt more unwanted, unimportant, not good enough, and bullied than I did today. I could have cried all day. People were rude, inconsiderate, and just plain old mean. After work my sister yelled at me in front of some coworkers and made me feel very embarrassed. I haven't said a word to her since.

I know I deserve better, but I don't choose who I work with... I'm ready for new surroundings, new people, and new experiences. I just want people to be proud of me, and want to be around me. I want to be someone H would think of as a role model. I want her to be able to say, That's my birthmom and I love her! So glad today is over... God brings new mercies each morning...

What is Reality?

Lately I've been so busy with work and with friends. I've been trying to keep certain things off my mind. I changed my background on my phone and computer from H's picture to something else. Out of sight out of mind, right?

It's been probably a month and a half since I've cried. I hate crying. This past year I've cried more than I've ever cried before. Part of me feels guilty for staying so busy I can't even think. The other part feels relieved that I'm not obsessing over what I don't have.

I received an email from B&E about a week ago. I still haven't responded. I just don't know what to say, it's almost as if they aren't real. Like if I don't reply or don't look at pictures of H then it never happened.

I just don't want to hurt anymore. When I think of H it hurts so much. I'm so glad my family hasn't asked about her or her family, or how I'm feeling. I'm just not up to explaining why I don't want to talk about it.

H's hospital picture used to be on my dashboard, I recently took it down because I had people in my car that don't know about her. I just haven't put it back up yet...

I'm so hot and cold with this adoption. I want to be invested, I just don't know how to be invested without feeling depressed or sad the whole time. Ironically, next week I'll probably be saying "I want to send B&E ten emails and know what H is wearing and blah blah blah" Maybe this comes with the territory? I guess I just need to find a happy medium in my two worlds of reality.

Next Step

My pc sent me the letter I was telling you all about. I read it and for the most part it had want I would want to say to B&E in it. There's a couple things I would like to change, which she said feel free to do. Here's the letter.

"I've loved so much seeing H grow and thrive in your family! She is so well adjusted and it's abundantly clear how much she is loved by you guys. Getting the pictures and letters through email and the mail has been so reaffirming to me that I made the right decision to place her with you guys. You truly are great parents to H!" 

This paragraph is great. I get a strange feeling in my stomach when I read "...reaffirming to me that i made the right decision to place her with you guys..." Yes I feel like if it should have been anyone to adopt H that they were the ones. I just have a hard time with it still.

"I loved our visit in April so much and it brought me so much closure and clarity on my decision."

In a way, yes it brought "closure and clarity" but can I really receive closure from this??

"It was so apparent that you guys were her mom and dad, that was a realization that I needed then in order to really have peace with my decision." 

Yes, after I left I really felt like H was their daughter and no longer mine, but I don't like reading it. Kind of hurts my heart. 

"Thank you for giving me that opportunity! It's hard to think that there is only one more agreed upon visit between us. It would be amazing to know her, to watch her grow, and to be involved in a more tangible way than just pictures and letters. How would you guys feel about the possibility of having more visits? I know this is something that is outside of our communication agreement and that it is something that needs to be mutually agreed upon and always in the best interest of H, but I thought I would mention my interest and see where you guys stood on the subject." 

I like that we took the next step (writing the letter), but now I know that the step after this is sending the letter.. and sending the letter means there could be a disappointing reply. I think it's pretty clear how afraid of the unknown I am. Once you say, do, or send something you can't take it back.. and this is something that will effect the rest of our lives. 

I, of course, will be bathing this in prayer. If you could all do the same that would mean so much. I know I want more communication, I just don't know if asking is worth losing it all..? God's Will will be done either way. Thanks for your support and your kind, kind words.

Play The Game

You guys know my back story now. I don't have the best track record with guys. There has been tons of games that guys have played with me in the past..well I wasn't exactly aware of the games until they were over and I was the loser. 

Now there's this guy. He's nice, funny, sweet, caring, blah blah blah. I'm comfortable when I'm around him and He seems to like me. It's so hard to tell when I haven't really interacted with a guy in over a year. Sometimes he's up and down. One day he'll talk to me like I'm the only person there, the next he's not even smiling at me when we pass. Is he playing some kind of game?

I will never understand this "game" business. Why can't two people who are attracted to each other, not just physically, but emotionally connect and get to know each other for who they are? There doesn't have to be a game. I shouldn't have to second guess myself on my feelings or try to make myself more appealing. I know that the right guy will like me for who I am. But I have a hard time not thinking this is my fault.. 

How can someone like me when I can't be completely honest with them? I will never be able to share about H with just anyone. I will have to completely trust them, and I don't do that easily. So, is he wishy washy because he feels that I'm not being open? Or is he just a craphead? 

This dating thing is hard... and I don't feel like it has to be. And maybe I'm making it all up in my head that he even likes me. Ugh! How do I jump back into to the dating scene when I don't even know how to handle all these games? Where are the gentlemen? The ones I can take home to mama? The woes of a girl..

Girl Talk

This is for all you ladies. I'm sure you can relate!

So It's that time of the month. Ugh, I know! I'm just an emotional wreck. My whole family was out for dinner the other night. I spaced off for a bit and did realize my Grandma was in the middle of a story. I then started to ask my sister a question and my Aunt snapped at me and called me rude. I kind of jerked back in surprise and just put my head in my hands. I wanted to cry so badly, but I just held it in. I hate crying in front of people.

Tonight, my niece choked on a chip and I about busted out crying. I was so scared, her face got so red and I was all the way across the table. He dad was sitting next to her and quickly got her out of the high chair. I sat there and choked back my own tears.

Now, I'm sitting here in bed and my emotions just overwhelmed me. I feel like I could sit here and cry for hours. So many hormones, so many emotions. I just need some chocolate trinity ice cream from Publix. We don't have a Publix here... :(

Ps: I blame this all on Eve. Grr.

The Ball's In My Court Now

So, my PC called the other day with news about my request for more communication. I was a little nervous. I always think the worst so I figured she'd say something along the lines of "No way, I won't ask them that." or "They are freaked out and you're out of luck, Chuck." To my surprise her news wasn't bad at all!

My agency has a new head person now and so my PC asked her what we should do to request more information; should they ask B and E, should I ask them, should it be an email, is it even plausible, etc.. The lady (I can't remember her name for the life of me) said that I should be the one to bring it up to B and E. If I'm ever going to have a relationship with them, at some point the agency needs to back out a little and let our relationship grow.  I'm not so down with that though.. I wouldn't know the first thing to say to them or how to bring it up and not completely freak them out. Luckily, my PC said she would write an email, then send it to me and I could use it if I wanted.. just to get the ball rolling.

I let my PC know this but I haven't said it on here yet.. I'm not so sure in my decision to ask for more communication. This is where I need you guys. Adoptive mothers, birth mothers, someone to help me through this decision phase. I want to be in her life, I want to have more visits, I want to have more mail updates, but is it the best thing? H's adoption is a secret. No one knows that she even exists where I live. I just don't want to look back even a year from now and regret not being involved in her life more. She's only a baby for a short amount of time. Part of me wants to see her and know as much as I can about her, then the other part doesn't want to be a bother to their family structure and doesn't want to hold myself back from facing my future.

I'm starting college in the fall.. how am I supposed to keep such a huge secret from the people I'll be with 24/7; when at home I talk about H and B&E often! H is my laptop background, she's on my phone, she's in my car! But is it safe for me to have a more open relationship with them when I'll be in that environment?? I just don't want to put her at risk (her birth dad can't know about her or I just know he'll do something horrible...).

What do you all think? I would really love your feedback. If you need more info on the subject just ask and I'll do my best to fill you in... I just can't make such a huge, really life altering decision right now. I need your insight.

Eyes Wide Open: Corrections and Misleadings

I finally told my mom about this happening and she brought something to my attention that I felt like I needed to let you all know and to, in a way, correct myself.

Our God is a just God, but He is also a loving God. When I say that I heard Him say that I was supposed to be the one to mother H, I don't mean that in a bad way. I feel like He was saying, "Hey, I gave you H, but it's okay that you chose adoption. B and E are building a great life for her and I am with them every step of the way."

My mom was saying that God would never tell me something that would make me hurt. I, honestly, don't believe that. I don't feel like He would say something in a malicious way to rip me off my path. But reality hurts! Am I wrong?? I felt like He was being real with me by saying that she was given to me. I was chosen by God to be her mom. Which I was. In my state, I chose differently. I'm not saying it was a bad choice or a wrong choice; and I'm not saying He said it was the wrong choice either.

H is where she belongs as of now. If I had chosen to parent then she would be where she belonged then. Each path has it's own story. I see life as many paths. The way it turns out just depends on which one of those destined paths you will take. God knows our ending and knows which path we will eventually decide on. It's us who have to make those decisions, hoping.. praying they are the right ones.

Let me end this post with a quote I found to be encouraging.

"Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending." - Maria Robinson

Shame

I still carry a lot of shame. It hits me usually when I hear anything about teen pregnancy or song lyrics such as these..

Big and Rich "That's Why I Pray": Babies having babies ’cause their parents are always gone
Shania Twian "I Ain't Going Down": I had a baby at fifteen, daddy never did forgive me. I never heard from the guy again
The Isaacs "Why": Why are there children having babies when so many couples try everything and can't

I was told by my aunt when I was pregnant to never be ashamed. To hold my head high as a mother. And yet I still feel those same feelings of shame I felt months ago. I hope someday that I won't feel ashamed anymore. It may be because I hid my pregnancy and no one here in my hometown even knows about H, but that's the choice I made to keep her safe. So I guess shame is a part of that when you hold such a big secret deep down, feeling like everyone stares at you and talks about you behind your back..

Eyes Wide Open

Have you heard the song "God Gave Me You"? It originally was played on Christian radio but then Blake Shelton made a County cover and it spread like wildfire. It's such a beautiful song and it wasn't until today when I fully realized what it meant to me. Let me explain..

I was sent into the hospital 7 months ago because H wasn't growing anymore. I went in on a Monday to be induced. I labored for over 50 hours when they finally told me I had to have a c-section. I was terrified, but I knew to get H out safely it would have to happen. I was told in my birthing class that if your doctors talk about anything BUT your surgery it's going well. As I intently listened to their conversation I realized they were playing Country music in the background. I'm a big Country music fan, so I didn't mind. About 15 minutes into the c-section H was finally born! At exactly 9:59 pm the most beautiful little baby girl was born, weighing 5 pounds 7 ounces and she was 18 inches long. As I laid there I could hear Blake Shelton singing in the background, "God gave me you for the ups and downs. God gave me you for the days of doubt. And for when I think I lost my way there are no words here left to say, it's true. God gave me you." 

It wasn't until today when God completely opened my eyes to see the plan he had for me. Even now I'm still in shock of how I couldn't know this 7 months ago. At work, this song came on the radio. I listened as I usually do and sang along, this time it was different though. It was like God was speaking the words into my soul and it was almost like I could hear his voice (keep in mind that I've heard this song many times in the last 7 months and have never experienced what I did today). What I heard was someone or something saying, "I wanted you to raise her. You could have done it." I couldn't contain myself, standing there in the aisle alone, and I just cried. Never once has anyone told me that. I'm probably not even doing the situation justice. It wasn't me telling myself that, it was something else. 

God has spoken to me before through song lyrics and it was so profound and obvious. The voice, the feeling, it was all the same. What kills me the most is that I can't do anything about it now. H was made for me. I was supposed to be her mother. I chose differently though, and I can honestly say I wasn't really asking God to show me what I was supposed to do. I was asking for strength to make the decision of adoption. Of course in the hospital I was looking for someone to tell me that I could back out, that I could be a great mother. But I've never been the kind of person to let someone down. Even now I know that I couldn't have gotten B and E's hopes up and then rip the idea of adopting H right out of their hands. Just like now, I can't bare the thought of how much they would hurt if they ever knew this. They are wonderful parents and will provide so much for H in so many ways. Even though I know now that I was supposed to be the one to raise H, no matter the trials, I wouldn't want H to be with anyone else. They are her perfect adoptive parents. Since she can't be with me now, I'm so glad she can be with them. 

My heart aches for H. Especially now, knowing that I could have done this, knowing I would have made it.... we would have made it. 

Ode to Worry

Sometimes I get too nervous or scared to talk to another person about what's going on in my head. I don't know why, because my family is so receptive. Maybe it's because they just don't know. They don't know how to comfort me. They don't know what I'm feeling or what I'm going through. Maybe that's why I like sharing with you, because most of you can relate to adoption in one way or another.

It's only been a couple days, but I've been having doubts. Doubts that I didn't choose the right family. Doubts that I picked the wrong life for H. Doubts that I'll ever get to see her again. Doubts that B and E will hold up their end of the adoption. Pretty much doubts about everything adoption related. Along with doubting where I am in my life. Am I where I'm supposed to be? Am I at the right job? Am I making the right friends? I'm a class A worry wart.

I was reading my devotional Jesus Calling the other day and it spoke directly to me; which it usually does. Every day I find it to be relative to something that is going on in my life or in that exact day. God is good. It said, "My children tend to accept worry as an inescapable fact of life. However, worry is a form of unbelief; it is the anathema to Me." And then it goes on to say, "Who is in charge of your life? If it is you, then you have good reason to worry. If it is I, then worry is both unnecessary and counterproductive."

Wow. That one hit me like a rock on my head! Why should I worry about ALL those things? If God didn't want me where I am then I wouldn't have been led to my job, I wouldn't have gotten hired. If God didn't want H to be with B and E, then she wouldn't be there (that one is still hard for me). I have that page bookmarked so that I can go back and remind myself "worry is a form of unbelief" and "If it is I, then worry is both unnecessary and counterproductive."

I came across a blog post on the blog Forward Progress. At the end it says this, "God will give you more than you can handle. And when He does, our choice is relatively simple: we can despair, or we can turn our eyes on the truth of the gospel, that God makes up for what we lack. That His strength is perfected in weakness. That God helps those who cannot help themselves."

This speaks so loudly to me. In my pregnancy and adoption I had way more than I could handle. There were times when I just wanted it all to stop, for life to just slow down so I could take a moment to breathe. It was in those moments that I realized this.. God has given me more than I can physically, mentally, and spiritually handle, but because he did I had to focus on him that much more. This verse has helped me through all these trials. "I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." John 16:33

So I guess where this leaves me is that even though I still worry, I understand that God still has his plan. I realize that worrying doesn't help the situation and I understand that I need to put my problems in God's hands. It's just getting to the place where I'm consistently trusting God fully in everything he throws my way that is the tough part.

If anyone else has the same troubles it'd be great to know that I'm not alone. God still knocks me upside the head a couple times, but I do try my best to not make life worse on myself. But wouldn't it just be easier if God shared his plans???

Sometime you just need a break!

So, it's been about two weeks since my last post. With good reason! My bestfriend and I went on a little  vacation together! :)

She flew in from Cali and we drove down to Nashville, Tennessee for the CMA music festival! It was a blast! We saw so many performances and ate so much food. We walked a ton, all over Nashville and made the best memories. It only lasted 4 days, but those 4 days were heaven. Being able to get away from life and just let loose and enjoy was exactly what the doctor ordered. It was so great to be able to spend quality time with her. We rarely get to see each other because we live so far away. This time in Nashville was like a practice round for living together. We both want to get an apartment after we finish college and live in the south. She's always wanted to be a southern bell :)

I'll cherish those moments forever. It was just an amazing time. Oh, and we're already planning for next year!

Ps: if  you love some country music you may want to look into it! You won't regret it! Here's the website:  country.cmaworld.com/cma-music-festival

More communication?

Every adoption is different. Mine happens to be a semi-open adoption. I receive letters with pictures at 1, 2, 3, 6, 9, 12 months and then every year on H's birthday till she's 18, and then I am allowed 3 visits in the first 2 years (I believe). At the time when I agreed to this I was still pregnant. I wasn't sure how I'd feel after H was born and the adoption was final. My agency even told me that we could work on things after if I felt different about them, and they assured me I would feel different.

Well, they're right. For months now, approximately 6 months I've wanted to change my adoption agreement. Unfortunately, the state that my adoption was made in does not count these communication agreements as legal, it is just verbal. So, at any time the adoptive party could decide not to follow through with their part and the birth family could not do a thing about it. Now, the agency would try anything in their power to talk things out with the adoptive party, but nothing is guaranteed.

So, yesterday I talked with my pregnancy counselor and vocalized my thoughts. This is what I asked for:

-Upon the agreed letters with pictures I would like another set halfway between her birthdays. So every 6 months I would like an update in the mail.
-3 visits a year. Our first visit went so well, and maybe lasted 3 hours; so that would mean I would be able to see them at least 9 hours a year. I don't want 2 more visits for the next 18 years. I would like to see my daughter in person and watch as she grows into a beautiful young woman. Not see her when she is 10 and feel like a complete stranger.

I don't think this is unreasonable. I've done my research. Most adoptions include 2-6 visits a year! I can't even imagine 6 visits! I'm only asking for 3. The commute is only an hour and a half. They wouldn't even have to drive to meet me where I live. If it means that I'd have to go halfway across the world to see H then I would; so of course I will drive the hour and a half 3 times a year to see her beautiful face. I would be able to be a part of her life, but not intrude on their family.

I'm not asking to change the status of the adoption either. I don't want their phone numbers or home address. I don't want to see them every weekend. I don't want to barge in on their family all of a sudden. I just want to be there in her life. I want to see her in person. I want to see her first tooth. I want to watch her take a step. I want to hear her make animal noises. I want to hear her say my name! I want to see her drawings from school. I want to watch her ride a bike. I want to read her a book. I want to swing with her. I want to hear about her first crush. I want to know her dreams and wishes. I want to see her graduate. I want to watch her fall in love. I want to be at her wedding. I want to be there, for everything. But I can't. So, I at least want the chance to be there 3 times out of the whole year; at least 9 hours out of the 8,765.81277 hours they get her to themselves. It's really not much.. but it's what I want, and what I feel I deserve and need.

If any of your are praying people I would truly love some prayer put behind this. My pregnancy counselor said she would speak with them in 2 weeks about this matter... So, pray if you will! I know I will be. But don't pray that I get what I want, pray that what ever is best will happen; that God's Will be done. Thank you.

The Untold Story

I honestly feel like the only way to move on is to talk about things. So here I am, being open and honest. Bearing my soul and putting myself out there to be judged.. (yikes!)

I was always a good girl. I had great friends, I did great in school, I was active in my church, etc. Looking back now I think I can say that the pressures of high school got to me. It was my senior year and I had never done anything really bad. I had had 1 boyfriend my sophomore year, but that was like nothing compared to what I would be doing my senior year. I was still a virgin and had always said I would save myself for my husband. I strongly believed that premarital sex was wrong. Little did I know my life would take a complete turn just 3 short months after I received my purity ring on my 18th birthday.

February 13, 2011 I lost my virginity to a guy I didn't even know. He was 24. I also found out he had 3 other children, never married. I say 'lost' because that's exactly what happened. I could even say it was stolen from me. Was it rape? To a certain extent yes! I said no, I asked him to stop. He didn't. It was so painful and I was so scared and confused. I didn't know how it had even happened. Then, poof.. it was over and he got off. I just laid there thinking "I'm not a virgin anymore.." "How the heck am I going to tell my mother?" "Do I tell my mom?!" "What if I get pregnant?" "He didn't use a condom!!" "I could have an STD!" I remember it like it was yesterday, I had said out loud, "I was a virgin." and He said "Well you aren't anymore." I remember picking my things up and leaving; and being in so much pain. Then I had to walk through my front door and pass my mom in the living room and act like nothing had just happened. I never told her. That was my first mistake.

It was maybe a half hour later when he called me and asked if I was okay. I guess I was shocked that he even cared about my 'well-being'. I said yes, even though inside I was dying. The next day I was so scared that I went and got a Plan B pill. I never told him about that. Then, February 21 I started my period and I was the happiest girl ever! I told him and he of course said "I told you so." This next part many of you will hate me for. This was mistake number two..

For whatever reason, I can't even say why, I slept with him again. Sure I could blame it on the fact that my father left our family and that I was searching to be loved by a man, that I had already lost my virginity so what did it matter if I had sex again, etc.. In the 2 weeks we saw each other we had sex 4 times, only once was protected. That would be mistake number 3. After the last time we had sex I was feeling really scared about not using protection so I went and bought the Plan B pill again. I wouldn't find out till March that I was already pregnant when I took the pill.

The last time we had sex was the last time I had talked to him. He left me, I guess you could say. I was 3 months pregnant by the time he contacted me again. I found out that he was seeing another girl, which means he was probably having sex with her the same time he was having sex with me. I chose not to tell him about H. I had asked him before what he would do if I did get pregnant (from the first time he slept with me) and he said that we'd raise it or get rid of it. Adoption wasn't even an option. It was my first thought when I read "pregnant" on the test. This was our conversation.

Me: "What would we do if I was pregnant?"
Him: "We'd raise it or get rid of it."
Me: "I would never abort!"
Him: "Then we'd raise it."
Me: "What if I don't want to raise it? We can't raise a baby."
Him: "Then I'd raise it."
Me: "You can't raise a baby on your own."
Him: "My mom would raise it."
Me: "What about adoption??"
Him: "No. I don't want someone else raising my baby!!"

That right there was exactly why I chose not to tell him. So I proceeded with my pregnancy, moved states, proceeded with adoption, and now H has a beautiful family and she is safe.

I wish he could know her. Deep in my heart I long for him to know her. I just can't risk H's safety, or her family's safety. I wonder sometimes if I've done the right thing. I can't say that I have... but I think I've done the best thing. To be honest though I do dread the day when she asks about him.

I'm glad I finally got that out there. I'm afraid of your judgements, but I need to heal from this and move forward so I can open my heart to someone new, someone worth it. So please, be kind.. Mistakes are made so we can learn from them. I definitely have.

The Day Has Come

"One day, you'll wake up and it'll be hours, maybe even the whole day when you finally realize you haven't thought of her at all. And when that day comes, don't feel guilty! It's a sign of healing. It's okay." I can hear my mom saying that as if it were yesterday. It was actually a week or so after placement.

Well, today was that day. I didn't realize till just now 12:00 am May 22, 2012 that I didn't think of H at all yesterday. Do I feel guilty? Not exactly, but I do feel sad. I ask myself, "How can you not think of her?! That's your daughter." But then I tell myself, "Yes, she is my daughter, but she is also their daughter." And I realized why I didn't think about her yesterday. I am not her parent. My life does not revolve around her feedings, dirty diapers, trips to the store for more baby food, etc. My life revolves around work, taking care of my house, watching over my grandparents, and getting my body back in shape.

"It's okay." Yes, it is okay. I still love her just as much as when I first laid eyes on her beautiful face. So memo to myself... it's okay.

My 1st Mother's Day

For weeks I've been terrified for Mother's Day. Will I be okay? How will I handle the church sermon? Will anyone acknowledge me as a mother? The questions and worries just kept coming..

March 12th is Birth Mother's Day, which I have known about for a while now. But I didn't think anyone else knew about it. To my surprise my sister knew all about Birth Mother's Day (she does her research). I received an e-card from her this past week. It was a Birth Mother card. I watched it and cried. The tears weren't because I had given birth and chose someone else to parent my child and now I was empty handed; it was because someone remembered me..

Mother's Day weekend my sister came in town with my niece. My family was involved with a children's choir so we had performances all weekend. I just expected for everyone to focus on the children's choir and the stress surrounding that. To my surprised my mom and sisters planned a Birth Mother's Day dinner for me! They took me to my favorite restaurant and gave me cards and gifts. I also received a beautiful card from my grandparents (which was definitely unexpected). My sister got me a Willow Tree. I now have 2! My first one was from my mom. It's called "Remembrance". She bought me and H the same one and gave them to us at the hospital. The one I just got from my sister is called "Healing", which is very appropriate. I also received a gift from my best friend in the mail! She sent a card and a wall decoration; I'm very into interior design.

I never thought I'd receive so much love and support on a holiday not many people know about! Thanks to my sister I was comforted on what could have been one of the hardest days for me. Even Mother's Day was okay! I was so excited to give my mom and my sister their Mother's Day gifts I wasn't focused on myself. We had a lovely day today. My mom, of course, checking in on me asking me how I was doing and if I needed to talk. They were all so great!

To make today a little better than 'okay', I got an email from E! She wished me a happy Mother's Day.. how beautiful! I'm so overjoyed that we can have that kind of relationship and that she wants me in H's life. She told me that they had been praying for me today.. Me?! Not only did MY family remember me, but my daughter's family also remembered me! How blessed am I?!

I'm truly humbled and grateful. Instead of going to sleep crying tonight like I had thought I would weeks ago, I'll be smiling..

Happy 1st Mother's Day to me :)

ps: and Happy Mother's Day to all the mothers who read this! xoxo

Just To See You Smile

I've realized that I have not followed through with my promise to share ALL things that are happening post placement. I tend to linger on the sad or confused parts. Partially because that's where I'm at, but everyday is not like that.

For example; yesterday was my brother's birthday, but we didn't celebrate with him till today. Many times today I smiled, even laughed! My sister and I picked out his birthday card this afternoon. One by one we giggled in the card aisle. After each card one of us said, "Okay, we have to go." but then we'd find another card that would make us laugh and recall memories. We settled on a card that was meant for a little girl. It read, "Hey little lady" on the outside; inside it said something about being a beautiful little girl. :) I wrote a little note inside still playing on the joke. I said how I thought he had grown up to be a special young woman and how I loved him. Below I wrote a real note. I told him happy birthday and that I love him very much. Then we all sang "Happy Birthday" in really obnoxious voices and very off key. :)

I just love watch people's faces when they read cards that I give them. And watching his face was priceless. He laughed at every line and it was great to see a smile on someone's face and know that it was me who put it there.

I find joy in making other people smile. One of my favorite things is to give others compliments. I don't have the most glamorous job; it's not glamorous at all! I work in a factory that gives me flexible hours which will be wondrous when school starts in the fall. I work with a variety of people, as you can imagine. College students, drug addicts, single parents, alcoholics, Christians, smokers, partiers, etc. I don't know many people there and rarely speak to them, unless I am approached. But twice this past week I've put a smile on someone's face. One lady was being bullied by some of the younger college kids. Long story short, she thinks she might be pregnant and someone took it upon themselves to start a rumor that she was lying about it and would come in to work saying she had a miscarriage. Why? Who really knows.. (dumb college kids). But I just told her what my mom has been telling me throughout this whole experience. You don't have to explain yourself to anyone. In return she said, "I knew I liked you. You must be religious." She smiled and then walked away. The second time was with an older gentleman who had helped me when I first started. We passed each other and I asked him a simple question, "Did you get your hair cut?" and he replied with a yes. I proceeded to tell him that I liked it and the biggest smile came across his face. Something so simple, yet so powerful. His smile made me forget what I have been going through. I felt happiness, because he radiated it!

So, you see my life isn't a big blur of sorrow or confusion or regret. Time to time I have glimpses of happiness that I receive from other people. Glimpses of hope that one day I can be truly happy. I hope that day comes soon, because I'm already fed up with crying. :)

The Never-ending Emotional Rollercoaster

There's no doubt that adoption has its ups and downs. And not just for the birthparents and family, but also for the adoptive parents and family. I know in my adoption experience I've been on a never-ending emotional rollercoaster..

Have you ever ridden "The Incredible Hulk" at Universal's Islands of Adventure? It shoots you out of the Gamma Tube at 40 mph in approximately two seconds. Then it goes into a zero-g roll and down a 105 ft drop, and into a cobra roll. Doesn't that sound exciting? It is! It's one of my favorite rollercoasters. But it's not so exciting when those are your emotions flailing about. Today has been an "Incredible Hulk" kind of day.

I woke up, bound and determined to have a great Saturday! So, I shot myself out of bed and mowed the lawn. Quickly got cleaned up and put together for the day, then headed off to see The Avengers with my mom. After that I headed straight to my babysitting job. I was on the go the rest of the night with a 3 year old boy and an 8 month old boy. After I got home it was like my rollercoaster finally came off the high peak of a loop-de-loop... and I crashed. I had that feeling of nervousness in the pit of my stomach. It always happens when I want to talk to my mom about something but am too afraid. Then, I saw a package from my adoption agency on the counter. I flipped through the pages and saw it was my adoption agreement papers. Reading them brought tears to my eyes. I was at a low on my rollercoaster.

I'm at the point now where I feel like I'm an intruder in my daughter's life. Because I now view her as B and E's daughter, I feel like I'm a bother to them. Why should I be asking such personal questions about H when she is their daughter? I'm also struggling with how to talk with B and E. I love them and I'm so grateful that I was allowed to have a visit with them last weekend, but now I don't know how to talk to them. I want so badly to be open and honest with them; to tell them about my feelings, but I don't know what the boundaries are for that type of communication. I never want them to feel bad, because of the way I'm feeling.

After our meeting I sent them an email saying how happy I was to see not just H but them as well! I also said how thankful I was and how lucky I am to have them in my life. I reassured them again how I think they are amazing parents and how glad I am that I chose them to parent H. They emailed back saying how thankful they are that I chose them and that they were able to meet with my family and I. Also how they are excited to see God work in my life and that they love me. Their email has been sitting in my inbox for 5 days now.. I have no idea what to say. I don't want to be insincere, but I also don't know how to share what I'm feeling without overstepping boundaries..

I will never doubt that adoptive parents struggle after finalization. But I don't think I'm wrong when I say that birthmoms (birth parents) struggle that much harder. I walk on eggshells, and I don't want to anymore..

Gave Up

I hate it when people say "Oh, she gave you up for adoption." It might just be how I approached adoption in the first place, or just common sense.

Those words are very negative to a birthmom. I did not give my daughter up or just give her away. It was a very hard, emotional process to choose if adoption was the best choice. In my heart I knew it was, but in my selfishness I wanted her to myself.

When people say that birhtmom's just give their children away it gives them a certain reputation of not wanting them. Giving up = unwanted. And this is not true! Of course there are exception to the rule in everything, but I feel like I can speak for every birthmother when I say we wanted our children! But we also took the time to rationally think about the future. We wanted what was best for our children more than what we wanted ourselves. Personally, I would have been a great mother. I could have loved H and given her everything that I was able to provide. But H deserved more than what I could just provide. She deserves a mom AND a dad, financial stability, an abundance of toys on her birthday, family vacations, an amazing education, etc. H and I would have been able to get by, but she wouldn't have anything that she has now if I would have been too selfish and had chosen to parent.

So, if you've never thought about it, think about it now. Instead of saying "..gave up her baby." how about you re-word and say "..released her baby." or maybe "..relinquished her baby." Does it mean the same thing? Yes. But "gave up" has such a bad connotation and it doesn't do us birthmom's any justice. So, please think twice before you speak. Because if any other birthmom is anything like me, they'll cringe when they hear that they "gave up" their baby.

I saw her..

I saw her..

She is so beautiful. She weighs 14 pounds now.

Her mom took her out of her carseat and called me over with a huge smile on her face. My heart felt like it could beat out of my chest. Then I saw her.. a smile on her face, her beautiful smooth skin, big, brown eyes, and there was that little girl I held 5 months ago. She was 5 lbs 7 oz then, but inside this 14 lb miracle was my tiny little baby I had been waiting to see for what seemed like forever. There she was.. and all I could do was hold her tight and cry. It was the most surreal moment.

I was able to feed her. She is so serious about feeding time. She's just started to try and hold her own bottle, and once she was finished she pushed the bottle away from her face. I was able to dry her tears. She cried a little and I was able to wipe away her tears. I felt like a mother in that moment. I was able to hear her laugh! My sister tickled her and the most beautiful, precious laughter came out of that tiny baby girl. She has the most gorgeous grin. I was able to rock her to sleep. Just like in the hospital H slept on my chest curled up like a little frog. Memories flooded back and brought tears to my eyes. I remember those days in the hospital as if they were yesterday..

Throughout the meeting H was passed from person to person. She met my siblings and her niece. We took lots of pictures. My mom and I spent our time talking with B and E. They explained to us about their move to our state and why they didn't tell me when it was decided. I left with a better feeling about the situation, and was reassured of my decision of choosing B and E as H's parents.

But there's one thing I'm still afraid to come to terms with.. Before the meeting H still felt like MY daughter... but after the meeting she felt like THEIR daughter. I don't know H. I don't know her mannerisms, her likes, her dislikes, her favorite toy, her schedule, her anything! I struggle with realizing that I'll never be H's mom. Maybe this is a step forward in healing.. I honestly don't know. But I'm just so happy that I saw her..

Blessing in Disguise?

You know how your mom would always tell you to let yourself have a cool down after something happened that uprooted you and threw you across the universe?.. That's where I'm at today.

It's funny to see how people go through changes in such short periods of time. Yesterday I was so angry, I wanted to punch something. To answer your question, no I didn't hit anyone or anything.. exactly. I did throw a tennis ball at the wall a couple times and played the drums on Rock Band to get out some of my anger. Did it work? I don't know.. But I'm not so angry today. Today was a day of sadness, uncertainties, and overall confusion.

I trust very few people, so taking the leap with adoption was very hard for me. I met B and E only two times before I gave birth. I really didn't know them. Many nights I'd be up asking myself why would you just hand your child over to a family you barely know!? But there was always a peace in my heart when I saw them, when I thought about my daughter's life with them. So I took that leap of faith.

Just like I did tonight when I talked with my pregnancy counselor (pc). I've been feeling very abandoned lately. I would text or call my pc and wouldn't hear back for days. So it just felt right to share with her all my feelings and let everything be out in the open. I had a list of things I wanted to say. 1. Abandonment 2. Copy of my adoption profile 3. this weekend's meeting 4. B and E moving. I shook the whole time we were on the phone and I barely said a word. My mom was there speaking for me because I was too emotional.

My biggest fear of sharing that I knew they had moved recently after I had released H was that they would be angry I knew and close the adoption. My pc said that is not even allowed to happen, which calmed my spirits. I'm happy I told her and I want everything to be out in the open, but I'm so afraid to see them face to face and what they'll say. My pc said B and E have been wanting to tell me since they found out, so it'll be nice to hear it from them.

It makes me so upset to know that H has been here.. 2 hours away.. for 5 months. I feel like such a horrible mom to not even know she was so close to me. I finally became okay with the fact that she would be 20 hours away, so having my world turned upside down figuring out she's been a couple hours away this whole time just kills me. I feel like I've been lied to. I know things could have been handled in a better way and I wish I didn't find out the way I did.. But that's the cruel thing about life... you can't change what has happened and you can't take your words back once they've been said.

So not everything is as it seems in the heat of the moment. Maybe this is a blessing in disguise? Time will tell..

A Kick in the Gut

There's been a shift in blog plans.. My plan was to tell you from the beginning my story and how I've been doing. Things have been happening lately that I just can't keep silent anymore. So here is my venting session..


My daughter is H, her parents B and E.


So... I was reading through a couple blogs last night and it got me thinking, I wonder if B and E have a website (facebook, blog, twitter, etc). So I went looking- bad idea. They have a facebook and twitters. I just wanted to see some more pictures of H, but what I came across had me up crying till 6 in the morning instead.


I was looking through B's timeline and seeing all B's tweets when I came across one that sounded like they were moving. I had seen before that they were going to plant a church in a different state, but I didn't realize that involved MOVING! I searched a little more and found out they had known since December. It's April folks... And just to add some icing to the cake they moved to the same state I live in. Surprise!!!


Oh, and one more thing I thought was interesting. Apparently, back in March the adoption was finalized. News to me. NO one told me anything about it. Not B and E or my pregnancy counselor.


Can I just say ONE thing? YOU'VE BEEN COMMUNICATING WITH ME ALL THIS TIME AND IT NEVER WAS A THOUGHT IN YOUR MIND TO TELL ME?!


I feel betrayed. I'm angry, sad, terrified, lonely. I've never hated God as much as I do right now. HE called them here to plant that church that's 2 hours away from me. HE kicked my feet out from under me last night when before I thought everything was great and H was safe and sound 20 hours away from me. This makes everything a million times harder..


I'm supposed to be meeting with them this weekend for our first visit. Now I don't even know if I can handle it. I'll see my sweet daughter and instead of her going far away... she'll basically be going down the street..


I just want to scream at the top of my lungs and hit something really hard. I have so much anger inside of me.
AAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! WHAT IS GOD DOING WITH MY LIFE?!?!


Being a birthmom is harder than I ever imagined it would be. My heart is broken and I feel like I just took 5 steps forward and a thousand steps back. Hello square one.

A Mother's Love

 March 2011, I found out I was pregnant at 18. I was scared, angry, disappointed, sad, and even a little happy. In the WalMart parking lot I cried my heart out to my best friend, Ali. I was terrified about what I had to do next. We sat there for an hour talking over all the possibilities; abortion, adoption, and parenting. My whole life I've been pro-life, but in those first minutes all you can think about is "getting rid of the problem". Ali knew me and reminded me that I'm not that kind of person and that this child deserved life. Who was I to end an innocent life? This child could end up doing amazing things for our world and for God's kingdom. After I got myself together we had decided that I'd go speak with her family for advice. They were understanding, yet very upset themselves. Ali's mother was a nurse and father was a pastor, so I figured they could help me figure out how to tell my mother.

 I left their house and made the drive home. It was the scariest drive I made in my life. I was crying the whole way home and trying to find a way to tell my mom. I went over all sorts of scenarios in my head and none of them seemed to turn out good. I pulled in the drive way. Went through the front door, saw my mom sitting in the living room on her computer. My heart racing, I said Hello and went straight to my room. I paced for a couple minutes trying to figure out how to just get this over with. I had both pregnancy tests in my pocket as I walked back into the living room. I looked at my mom and tears streamed down my face. My mom looked up to me with worry in her eyes as I handed her the pregnancy tests. I can still remember the change in her face from worried to disappointment and anger. I fell to the ground and sobbed as my mom sat in silence staring at the pregnancy tests.

 In a stern voice she asked me, "Who is the dad?" The biggest problem about that question is that I wasn't dating anyone. I saw this guy for 2 weeks. He was much older than me and already had 3 kids, never married. I had met him through Facebook, as far as I can remember. He really wasn't my type so it's still confusing to me how I even started talking to him. I showed my mom his Facebook profile and told her how things happened. It was the first time I hung out with him at his house, we were both getting ready to leave and before I knew it I was on his bed and we were having sex. All I remember is saying no and asking him to stop. Finally he did and we both left. I was the only one who left in tears though. I got home and acted as if nothing had happened. Inside I was freaking out. So I called Ali and told her, then I called my other friend Erin and she told me that I should get PlanB. So the next day she took me to get the pill. After I had taken it I felt so relieved and I vowed to myself to never see him again. Clearly that vow didn't hold up. For some reason I went back to him. I saw him for another week, having sex 3 more times. 2 of those were unprotected like the first. Then after I had spent the night at his house he never talked to me again. I found out later he was seeing another girl.

 After I told my mom the whole story there was a lot of yelling, throwing things, tears, and then silence. I remember at the end of the night I asked, emotionally and physically exhausted, "Mom, can I just go to bed?". I was laying in bed for a couple minutes when my mom came in my room and laid down beside me. She gave me a hug and said, "I will be there for you every step of the way. Whatever you need I will help you. We can talk about options later if you want. I love you and I always will."

 I knew from that point forward what a mother's love really was. I had given my mom the worst news a mother could hear, yet she still loved me. She would do anything for me and wanted the best for me in the worst situation. And that's exactly what I had to do for my child. No longer was it about me, it was about the life that was growing inside me. This was the beginning of the rest of my life as a mom.